Author: Christy Heacock

Becoming Wonder Full

Published on by Christy HeacockLeave a comment

I combed the calendar aisles in the bookstore several times but couldn’t find my usual Audubon yearly planner for 2022. Darn! During the last several years, I’ve loved the pictures of cute and exotic animals, amazing natural wonders, and peaceful scenes. Change was inescapable though, so back through the aisles I went, searching for beautiful, inspiring photos that would spark joy and add wonder to the unimaginative numbers and days of the week that help me organize my life.

My seeking led to my engagement calendar for 2022 which is entitled, “1,000 Places To See Before You Die.” The creator of the calendar, Patricia Schultz, warned me that life is short and adventure beckons. The first page of the planner featured just one quote by writer and philosopher G. K. Chesterton:

We are perishing for lack of wonder, not for lack of wonders.

G. K. Chesterton lived from 1874 to 1936, but I think his observation holds true for all human history. What a wonder full place our world is. And if earth isn’t enough, there’s a whole universe full of wonders we can ponder upon if we are willing to do so.

When I get feeling down about all the crazy disputes we humans create, climate change, pandemics, personal regrets – I am revitalized by upshifting my thinking to the wonders and mysteries that surround us. By appreciating surprises like the furry red fox that recently scampered about in our back yard. I wondered where she was going, where she lived and with whom, whether she was cold or comfortable in ten-degree Fahrenheit weather.

Of course, the wonders and mysteries of life aren’t always uplifting. They can be frightening. It’s natural to feel afraid of things we don’t understand. And the older I get, the more I realize how much we humans don’t understand – how much we can’t control. If I’m not careful, fear may eclipse my wonder and dampen my curiosity. I may become a curmudgeon who has lost the ability to experience awe.

My favorite Albert Einstein quote reminds me I can spark joy through curiosity. Albert advised:

The important thing is not to stop questioning. Curiosity has its own reason for existing. One cannot help but be in awe when one contemplates the mysteries of eternity, of life, of the marvelous structure of reality. It is enough if one tries to comprehend only a little of this mystery every day.

As an educator, I saw the importance of curiosity frequently. I supplied my students with the Einstein quote and tried to emphasize the joy of learning over worries about grades. If we’re not curious, we won’t ask questions, we won’t wonder, and we won’t increase our understanding. And we often fear that which we don’t understand.

I’m guessing most of us would say we seek truth, but when a new idea or perspective seems threatening, we sometimes dig in and refuse to be curious – preferring to stick with the “truth” as we’ve known it in the past. A quote from Nadine Godimer, South African writer and political activist, reminds me to hang in there and keep my mind open even when it’s tough to do so:

The truth isn’t always beauty, but the hunger for it is.

It isn’t pretty to look at our personal faults or the failings of groups we identify with. There are many unpleasant realities in our world that can and should disappoint and sadden us. But when we pursue justice and truth, when we’re curious and try to understand “truths” that appear different from our own, that is when we become wonder full.

When I taught sociology, I asked students to seek out articles about different cultures and different ways of doing things and present them to the class. I soon learned that if I wanted learning to occur, students needed to go beyond presenting information, because the conclusion that was being drawn was simply, “That’s weird. How strange.”  I realized I was facilitating ethnocentrism, which is what I was trying to prevent. Ethnocentrism means evaluating another culture according to the standards and customs of one’s own culture. It therefore leads to judging other groups as inferior to one’s own.

I needed to add to the assignment. Go ahead and present the different way of doing things, but then question why. Do some wondering. Be curious. Research the culture and discover the reasoning behind a tradition or event. No need to evaluate according to good or bad, inferior or superior. Instead discover function and effectiveness.

For example, when I was teaching organizational behavior to a diverse mix of students at the college level, our curriculum included information on building self-esteem – something I and most of my students assumed was a good thing. That is, until a student from Japan commented, “I think focusing on self-esteem makes people too self-absorbed and less likely to care for others.”  Her point of view came from a collectivist culture and mine from an individualistic culture and she made me wonder. A good discussion ensued regarding the meaning of self-esteem and perspectives were shared as to how it could be considered beneficial or detrimental. No criticism, but lots of curiosity, discovery, and expanded awareness.

The world can appear dark and ominous, full of challenges we fear we cannot overcome. Accepting that is hard, but once we do, we can start taking responsibility for creating light. We can pray, meditate, sing, dance, spread kindness, laugh at ourselves, seek out beauty. That helps us balance dark and light, the yin and the yang. We can embrace the holy, loving spirit within us that is urging us to find our joy, to experience wonder.

My new planning calendar has got me wondering what adventures I should be plotting next, what new things I can learn in 2022. There is much to discover close to home and, if all those microscopic viruses behave themselves, I also plan to travel to new places that may seem strange at first. That is until I open my heart and mind to acquiring a better understanding of why people are doing and thinking about things differently than I do. Until I become wonder full.

Photo by Anneliese Phillips at Unsplash

The Gift of Humility: Holiday Stress Reliever

Published on by Christy HeacockLeave a comment

The holiday season can be stressful. I’d love to be able to host a delightful Christmas party, bake delicious cookies, make excellent gift choices, send inspiring cards, decorate like an interior design pro, and create world peace. However, I’m not capable of all of that and if I don’t reduce my expectations to a realistic level the “most wonderful time of the year” will become the most anxiety-ridden time of the year.

Seeing “It’s the most wonderful time of the year” on several festive decorations caused me to look up who wrote the song with that title. I found out it was written by two men – Edward Pola and George Wyle. I can’t confirm this, but I’m guessing they never worried about holiday baking, gifts, decorating, greetings, or event planning.

I wonder if Ed and George were ever concerned about being alone at Christmas or not being invited to holiday parties. For some of us, it’s the loneliest time of the year because it seems everyone has happy families and friends to party with . . . except us. We feel pressured to be happy and that makes us unhappy.

The lyrics of the song read like something out of a Hallmark movie, and I do enjoy Christmas shows now and then throughout the holiday season. I love gazing upon the perfectly decorated homes and neighborhoods in the movies. The characters always have some disagreements and misunderstandings, but I rest assured knowing all will be forgiven by the end of the show. Often an episode ends with a gorgeous couple taking a sleigh ride through something that’s supposed to look like snow, and I feel content knowing they will live happily ever after. But then I switch off the TV. The kind, beautiful people have vanished and it’s just me and my undone to-do list.

 I googled, “What is the most stressful time of the year?”  The holiday season was the overwhelming first choice. A OnePoll survey found that 88% of Americans thought holidays were the most stressful time of the year.

The holiday season comes when daylight hours are at a minimum, temperatures are icy, and spring seems way too far away. At this time of year, we need a holiday very badly to cheer us up, and that won’t happen if we’re too stressed. We need to be enjoying as many Hallmark moments as possible. That’s where humility comes in.

Some dictionaries list “meekness,” “unassertiveness,” and “submissiveness” as synonyms for humility. But spiritual humility is the opposite, because it means the willingness to accept, and the ability to clearly perceive, one’s strengths and weaknesses. It takes some daring to let go of the idea that we need to do all those things we think we should do, and instead discern what we are capable of based on who we genuinely are and what gives us joy. People may not approve.

Think about what you truly love about the holiday season and decide what helps you make the shortest daylight hours of the year more livable. Remember that you’ll be receiving all sorts of ads and messages about what you need for a Merry Christmas and ignore as many as possible.

Maya Angelou advised, “If you’re always trying to be normal you will never know how amazing you can be.” That’s why humility is such a gift. Humility is accepting the ways we can’t meet society’s norms and rejoicing in the ways we can share our own unique gifts and talents. If we spend Christmas preparing treats for our dog and the squirrel that somehow found its way into our home, so be it.

The Japanese have a word, wabi-sabi, that means “finding beauty in imperfection and impermanence.” That isn’t an easy task because we want things to be perfect and may fear criticism and feel ashamed when we are unable to meet standards we believe are vital to belonging and respect. But I’ve found that an imperfect dinner or performance is just as satisfying as a perfect one when the people involved are filled with a joyful, loving spirit.

Humor can also help get us through a less than perfect holiday season. My mother had a plaque that I inherited with a saying that most likely helped her survive and thrive during many a holiday season. It read, “Blessed are we who can laugh at ourselves, for we shall never cease to be amused.”  Human beings are perfectly imperfect if we can be compassionate and take ourselves lightly. Laughter and humility are great companions and are all about the freedom of letting go and enjoying life – and the holiday season – in all its craziness.

There are many enticing holiday activity choices. But if I choose too many of them, it becomes like overeating. Sure, all the food is great, but the more I eat, the less delicious the food becomes. I need to choose what not to eat orI risk ruining what could be a very satisfying meal. During the holidays I need to realize I can only handle so much before I face diminishing returns.

We can choose what we want to worry about, too. Have you ever asked or been asked, “Are you ready for Christmas?”  When I’m asked that question, I answer, “I’m enjoying the beautiful lights and decorations as well as the music.” I want to delight in the holiday season, not prepare for a single day’s event.

I want to have the humility needed to be comfortable with the limitations of what I can cheerfully accomplish in the darkest weeks of the year. And I also want to do my part to spread light and warmth during a time that can seem bleak and cold. If I’m stressed and worried about being ready for Christmas and whether or not my Christmas will measure up to that of others, I may find myself on Santa’s naughty list with my inner Scrooge annoying those around me.

Humility truly is a gift to enjoy. The holiday season will very likely not go as planned and that’s just fine. Humility means letting go of expectations and opening up to the unexpected – to the mysteries and the magnificence of a holy time devoted to love and what’s beautiful about being human.

The most wonderful time of the year is whenever we can share our blessings generously, and gratefully rejoice in whatever kindnesses we are fortunate enough to receive.

Photo by Karsten Winegeart on Unsplash

Tough Paths Lead to Beautiful Destinations: Choose Forgiveness

Published on by Christy HeacockLeave a comment

I was asked to give the message at my church, Canyon Lake United Methodist, Rapid City, SD, and what follows are the stories and words I shared to express why forgiveness is a life-giving practice. If you wish to listen to the service that was focused on forgiveness follow this link https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tRz3CsyYg_A or check out CLUMC’s website or Facebook page.

Have you ever noticed that in the Lord’s Prayer, “forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those who trespass against us” follows right behind “give us this day our daily bread?” I think it’s because forgiveness and bread are both life-giving and both are needed daily.

I know I make mistakes and do things I wish I hadn’t or wish I had on a regular basis. If I can’t forgive myself, or others, for simply being human, I’ll waste a lot of time and energy being angry and ashamed. Forgiveness allows us to spend more time smiling than frowning, being relaxed instead of tense, moving forward instead of backward.

I personally know how life-giving forgiveness can be and I chose to research forgiveness for my doctorate in psychology. I did qualitative research, meaning I analyzed stories and looked for patterns and themes in those stories. I interviewed people from different sacred belief systems who had forgiven a major transgression and looked specifically for what their stories had in common. I feel very blessed because I was led to people whose stories were insightful and their stories continue to inspire me today.

Forgiveness means different things to different people, so I like to start by explaining what I mean by forgiveness. First, forgiveness is NOT excusing, condoning, or ignoring bad behavior. It’s the opposite. It’s like Micah 6:8. We’re to act justly, love mercy, and walk humbly with our God. Forgiveness means balancing justice and mercy and remaining humble as we walk with our loving God.

It means having the courage to uncover and confront destructive thoughts and feelings so we can let go of our shame, anger, bitterness, and resentment. That takes time, but it’s worth it because when we experience genuine, deep forgiveness our health improves, our relationships become healthier, and we learn and grow spiritually.

The forgiveness experiences of the people I interviewed had four things in common that helped them forgive, and I call them the 4Cs: connections, courage, compassion, and creativity.

Connections

I first want to talk about connectionsbecause connections make the other 3 Cs possible. Connections are what led the people I interviewed from being victims to becoming forgiveness heroes. None of them were able to forgive without help. They all described spiritual, religious, or social connections that gave them two main things: support and guidance.

So how did their connections support them?

First, they did not pressure anyone to forgive. Pressure to forgive can backfire. Why? Because it can make someone feel worse. If you’re struggling to forgive and someone tells you, “Just let it go,” they’ve added to your shame, to your angst – because deep down you can’t do what they want you to do, what you may think a “good” person is supposed to easily be able to do. If you want to please someone, maybe even God, you may pretend to forgive and deny your genuine feelings. But holding your pain inside and trying to please others will add to your stress and hurt your health.

After I did a talk on my book, Being Human Is Hard: Choose Forgiveness, a man came up to me and said he appreciated the book and he surprised me with why. He was struggling with forgiveness issues and it reassured him to hear that genuine forgiveness of something major is difficult and takes time.

Connections are important because they provide support and also because they provide guidance. They show us the way through the forgiveness process and serve as role models.

One of the stories in my book is about William (pseudonym), who was Lakota and grew up on the Pine Ridge Indian Reservation. He and his family had experienced horrible acts of prejudice and trauma; William became resentful and as can happen if we’re filled with bitterness, he took his hurt out on others. His major turning point came when he heard Black pastors speak about their painful experiences, which he felt were even worse than his. One had helplessly watched his sister be set on fire and burned to death by prejudiced people who were never punished. “How were you able to forgive?” he asked them. And they said, “You talk about it, and you pray about it.” When William had trouble forgiving, he thought about the Black pastors, read the Bible, prayed, talked to his pastor and the people in his church.

We don’t have to do forgiveness alone, and that’s what helps us with the second C, courage.  

Courage

Forgiveness work takes courage because it means becoming vulnerable. It means uncovering and confronting things that may be shameful, embarrassing, humiliating, traumatic.

One of the people I interviewed, Katherine, said, “Before I discovered forgiveness I wasn’t open enough and willing to admit mistakes. I would have unknowingly kept secret certain things that would have been the heart of what needed to be heard and I wouldn’t have been able to get to the healing part. I wouldn’t have been able to see another’s viewpoint because I would have been too busy protecting my ego. Now I try to remember that it’s not all about me.”

Katherine had a strong connection to God and could feel the Holy Spirit within her. She said, “I’m always praying for the courage and strength to face forgiveness issues because I know that even though it’s scary, I will feel so liberated, relieved, and joyful to be a part of something that is healing.”

Sometimes we need the courage to listen to a perspective that’s different from our own and may seem threatening. At other times, in order to forgive, we may need to have the courage shown by the first person I interviewed for my research, a woman I called Esther, who taught me the importance of standing up for yourself and setting boundaries.

Esther was working in construction with men who didn’t appreciate women and she was being taken advantage of and disrespected. She grew resentful and extremely angry, and at first, she kept it inside. But one day she’d had enough and set some firm boundaries. I asked her how that helped her forgive. She said, “Once I set my boundaries and felt safe, I experienced an expanding of space. I started being able to see more deeply into my offender’s situation and I could better understand him. Releasing my fears allowed me to open up and have compassion.”

Once Esther felt safe, she could see her offender as a human being, instead of an object of hurt.

At a church conference this summer one of the speakers said, “I supported my addiction by blaming my parents.” He had what everyone would consider horrible parents, but he knew that he couldn’t serve God and help others unless he  accepted his imperfect childhood and figured out how to move beyond his past.

We may be a victim of oppression and someone else’s bad behavior and that’s awful. But we’ll never become empowered and liberated if we get stuck in victim status. To get unstuck, sometimes we need to set firm boundaries or possibly even walk away from a relationship that is harmful. At other times, we may need to swallow our pride and have the courage to really listen to perspectives that are uncomfortable. Those forgiveness issues are tough and require not just courage, they also require the third C, compassion.

 Compassion

Courage and compassion are best buddies because it’s hard to be kind when we’re in pain. It’s hard to be loving and grace-filled when we’re hurting.

But opening our hearts and minds to compassionately understanding ourselves and those who hurt us is a key to forgiveness.

Martin Luther King Jr. said:

He who is devoid of the power to forgive is devoid of the power to love. There is some good in the worst of us, and some evil in the best of us. When we discover this, we are less prone to hate our enemies.

We sometimes like to think of ourselves or others as either all good or all bad – it’s simpler that way – but that leads to forgiveness problems. We may refuse to believe anything good about someone who’s hurt us. When we do something hurtful, we may blame others because we are afraid our wrong action means we’re a bad person. Or we may retreat in shame and miss the opportunity to share our gifts and talents.

A Muslim man I called Basil forgave the person who tortured him and it definitely wasn’t easy. But he had compassion for his torturer, and that helped. He said, “I felt like he was a poor guy. I looked at him like he really, really needs help. From my experience with him, he was always worried, always wondering. He had this weird feeling he was not safe, and he wondered which one of his friends would betray him.” Basel was physically tortured in prison, but Basel realized his torturer had created a personal prison in his own mind and was letting his paranoid, fearful thoughts torture him.

When people hurt us, it’s natural to become bitter and resentful. But I remember the words of the Lakota woman I interviewed who had amazing compassion and forgave the people who murdered her mother and pregnant sister. She said, “No one can make me hate.”

I love that because hate isn’t good for us. Hateful, unforgiving thoughts can torture us. They keep us from experiencing the life Christ wants for us. I asked one of the women I interviewed why she thought God wanted us to forgive. She said simply, “Because it’s good for us.”

Forgiveness frees us and helps us give to others. Have you noticed that the word forgiving can be separated into for and giving? Forgiving is for giving because when we break free from the chains of bitterness or shame we can give more to others.

But forgiving a major transgression isn’t easy because it requires us to write a new, improved chapter in our life story. We need help from the fourth C, creativity.

Creativity

Forgiveness is about learning from our painful experiences. It’s about adjusting our perspective and transforming our thoughts so that we can create a healthier, more peaceful and joyful way of being.

James, brother of Jesus, experienced tough times with a great attitude. In James 1: 2-4 he advises us:

Whenever you face trials of any kind, consider it nothing but joy, because you know that the testing of your faith produces endurance, and let endurance have its full effect, so that you may be mature and complete, lacking in nothing.

Wow, that’s awesome inspiration, though I must admit I think considering trials of any kind nothing but joy seems a bit over the top.  I do agree that what makes forgiveness possible is knowing that tough paths lead to beautiful destinations. I don’t know why some of our best learning experiences involve humiliation, embarrassment, disappointment, and pain, but if we can accept that inconvenient truth, I know we are on the road to more joy, love, and peace.

We’re all on a journey and we’re all at different places on our journey. I often remember the words of Valerie, one of the woman I interviewed. She said, “We’re all on our own paths.” That’s so true, but often so hard to accept. Her words remind me to focus on compassion versus judgment. To relax my expectations and need to control, take deep breaths, and “Let go and let God.” 

When forgiveness is really tough, thankfulness and gratitude are more important than ever. During my toughest times, being grateful for the beauty of nature, acts of kindness, music, good books, friendly dogs, the ability to laugh at myself – those things have given me the positive energy I need to create something good out of something painful.

In Philippians 4:8, Paul, no stranger to adversity, counsels:

Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things.”

Why? Because gratitude shines a light for us, so we can see what path to take.

Some of the people I interviewed described forgiveness as a cleansing of the heart, and the forgiveness process as a way to scrub your heart clean and experience a liberating rebirth. David in the Bible saw it in a similar way. Listen to the words he uses when asking God for forgiveness in Psalm 51: 10 -12

Create in me a pure heart, O God,

and renew a steadfast spirit within me.

Do not cast me from your presence

or take your Holy Spirit from me.

Restore to me the joy of your salvation

and grant me a willing spirit, to sustain me.

I pray that we feel the Holy Spirit within us as we strive to shine a light of love and grace for our world.

Addicted to Escaping Reality

Published on by Christy HeacockLeave a comment

The t-shirt said, “Life isn’t easy. Life isn’t perfect. Life is good.” I enthusiastically bought it for my daughter who is studying to be a mental health counselor and wished they also had one in my size.

Life isn’t easy, and we may struggle with the belief that life can be hard, imperfect, and good at the same time. Reality is often painful, and it’s natural to want to escape for a while. Life is full of difficult issues and when those issues get extremely difficult, we may want to escape for a good long while.

A break is sometimes just what we need to recharge our batteries and embrace the “life is good” philosophy. Complications occur when our break turns into a vacation so extended our passport expires – when it turns into an addiction. Our reality deteriorates and our need for an escape escalates.

When we talk about addiction, our minds generally picture alcoholics, illegal drug users, and gamblers. But we can become addicted to many things such as comfort foods, video games, pornography, social media, and even cleaning. We may try to get rid of the object of the addiction – the alcohol, the meth, the casinos – and assume the problems will then go away. But cutting off the supply won’t be effective if the demand remains. If one type of addiction goes away, what will stop us from simply seeking another way to escape a reality we find too complicated and unbearable to face?

If our need to evade our pain has become destructive to ourselves and those around us, making the object of our addiction illegal won’t be the cure. The cure will revolve around two components: making our reality less frightening and more hopeful; and finding healthy, short-term escape outlets.

Making Our Reality Less Frightening and More Hopeful

When life overwhelms us and we’ve lost hope in our ability to manage it, we need to know we’re not alone and we’re not doomed. We need to know we’re loved and have purpose. Help may come from people who care and provide support. It may come from spiritual sources that assure us we are forgiven and valuable.

As a society, we can look at what there is in the environment and culture we’ve created that is causing despair. Happiness researchers tell us that the amount of money we have is not related to our satisfaction with life once we have the resources to meet our basic living expenses. We don’t need fancy cars or huge houses, but we do need enough money for food, clothes, and shelter plus a little extra so we can fix the car when it breaks down and get medical help when we need it. Most importantly, we need to belong to a community that respects and cares about us.

Healthy Short-Term Escape Outlets

Life will never be a worry-free, gleeful path forward. There will be bumps and detours. We need to find positive ways to deal with hurt and shame. If we want to say “no” to an unhealthy addiction, we need to find healthy choices to say “yes” to.

I’m a big fan of reading myself and love any form of fiction that allows me to jump into the lives of characters I can care about on a pain-free level. Watching a thought-provoking movie or silly comedy takes me out of myself and into another world without worries of a hangover or gaining weight. Exercise, music, gardening, art, prayer, meditation, service to others, or whatever form of flow we enjoy can take us to a happy place and give us a needed respite from whatever concerns may be haunting us. 

We need to be wary of trying to escape our own difficult reality by gossiping about our neighbor’s shortcomings and displacing our personal angst onto others. Conspiracy theories and fake news may consume us because they are easier for us to digest than inconvenient truths concerning ourselves. Instead of being curious and open-minded, we become close-minded and addicted to passing judgment on others.

Communities can create healthy environments that reduce the demand for harmful substances and activities. Envision economic development plans that truly value making a community healthier, not just wealthier. Where progress is measured not just in quantity of dollars, but also in quality of life.

Loneliness can be deadly, and caring communities provide opportunities for connection so people can enjoy time together. Parks, gardens, and trails encourage time with nature, and the arts beautify our environment and educate us, inspiring positivity.

Health and medical writer Anne Fletcher stated, “Nobody stays recovered unless the life they have created is more rewarding and satisfying than the one they left behind.”We can create a more rewarding and satisfying reality on both a personal and community level.

On a personal level, we can lift ourselves up by finding moments that deliver us from our gloomy thoughts and feelings in a beneficial way. We become addicts because our lives are filled with pain and we don’t know how to stop spiraling out of control.  It’s hard to see the good in life when we feel good for nothing. We can, however, follow Maya Angelou’s advice “Do your best until you know better. Then when you know better, do better.”

On a community level, we can make reality less frightening by being more compassionate and accepting. By looking beyond a harmful addiction to what has harmed the soul and spirit of the person suffering with the addiction. We all need care at some time and we all can experience the joy of making a difference in the life of someone who needs care. Physician and poet William Carlos Williams advised, “The only way to be truly happy is to make others happy.”

As the t-shirt reminded me, life doesn’t have to be easy or perfect to be good.

Don’t Change, Become

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I’m grateful when my Facebook friends post inspirational, beautiful, or funny things on their pages. A recent post advised, “Don’t change, become.” That got me thinking about the difference between the words “change” and “become.”

If someone tells me I should change, I may feel like the real me is not good enough. That I should try to be someone else. I may ask, “What’s wrong with me? How am I bad or broken? If I’m bad or broken, is there really any hope for me?”

However, if someone talks to me about who I can become, I can create a vision. It’s still okay to be me. In fact, it’s vital that I be me. The genuine me with the potential to learn, grow, and live with purpose. 

When I’m becoming, I can decide what there is about me that I’d like to stay the same, and what I’d like to transform. Being aware of positives, not just negatives, gives us the energy we need to move forward.

Positive humanist psychologist Carl Rogers believed we all need genuineness, acceptance, and empathy in order to thrive. He said, “What I am is good enough, if I would only be it openly.” If we are hiding fears of not being good enough, we aren’t being our true selves. It’s only when we have the courage to confront our genuine feelings and thoughts that we gain the power to transform them.

Reading a devotion before bedtime comforts me and the following passage from James 1: 2-4 (NRSV) was just what I needed one night. The verse said, “Whenever you face trials of any kind, consider it nothing but joy, because you know that the testing of your faith produces endurance; and let endurance have its full effect, so that you may be mature and complete, lacking in nothing.”

What an awesome and amazingly difficult way of looking at our struggles. I’m still striving to look at my current woes with joy, but when I remind myself that no inspirational life story is without struggles – and the more extreme the better – I am able to improve my attitude.

Those times when I’ve been humiliated, disappointed, ashamed, or grieving have clothed me with empathy for others and led to insightful moments. I’ve been very happy to shed some of my old judgments that were acquired before I experienced things like: my child being the one throwing a tantrum in the grocery store; my work being criticized and rejected; my assumptions proven wrong.

Experience transforms us in ways advice never can. Experience delivers intelligence in the form of feelings and emotions and goes beyond the simplicity of mere words.  

Becoming means throwing off unrealistic or pointless expectations of how we should appear and what we should achieve. It means being patient with ourselves as we work through difficult periods in our life. Grief coach Maria Kilavkoff explained, “Sometimes we slow down so we can digest the indigestible.”

Feeling broken is awareness that it’s time to challenge beliefs and behaviors that are no longer appropriate for us. We find ways to fix what needs repairing by learning to become more compassionate, generous, respectful, courageous, daring. We take deep breaths, relax, and enjoy being who we are and where we are in the moment.

When we know we’re becoming, and we realize others are also becoming, forgiveness can blossom within us. We feel sadness and hurt, but we accept our feelings and learn to understand where those feelings are coming from and where they are leading us. The beauty of forgiveness is in knowing it’s okay to be who we are, and it’s okay for others, who are also struggling to become, to be who they are.

Becoming requires humility, not humiliation. When we have humility, others no longer have the power to humiliate us because we’re strong enough to accept whatever mistakes we make and learn from them. We refrain from humiliating others because we wish the best for them as they strive to become a better version of themselves.

Humility means having the courage to accept who we are, and the compassion needed to treat ourselves and others kindly. Humility has been called the master virtue because it’s vital in helping us become virtuous.  We don’t close our minds to new ideas or cling tenaciously to what was or what we assume should be because we are no longer defensive. We are excited about who we are becoming.

When I think of the times when I’ve been irritated with someone who is trying to give me advice, it’s because I feel they want me to change into someone they approve of. A friend said she was hesitant about getting help from an organization called “Behavior Management” because she didn’t like the idea that she needed to be managed and said, “It seems like they will be out to control me.” Most of us don’t want to be controlled, but we appreciate people who support us on our journey of becoming.

Of course, when we think someone else should change, “Behavior Management” sounds like just the ticket. The problem is we can only manage our own behavior. Everyone is on their own path to becoming and we don’t get to control the pace or the direction.

Inner freedom blossoms as we let go of the burden of expectations that we or others must change. We find peace with letting ourselves just be and become. We can rest assured that we are who we are supposed to be as we envision – with faith, hope and love – the person we are becoming.

Critical Race Theory Is About Our Identities

Published on by Christy Heacock1 Comment

Critical Race Theory (CRT) has gone from a concept to be analyzed to a political football targeted at provoking fear and manipulating voters. Supposedly CRT misleads students into believing their country is evil or was founded upon evil – as if nations can be categorized as good or evil – one or the other. But nations are made up of people, and like people, they are a mixture of good, bad, and everything in between.

I’ve taught history, but I’d never heard of CRT until it became a political issue, so I looked it up. The theory was officially organized in 1989 and, according to Britannica.com, is based on the premise that “Race is not a natural, biologically grounded feature of physically distinct subgroups of human beings, but a socially constructed (culturally invented) category that is used to oppress and exploit people of color.”

Whether we like it or not, we humans do label each other, and we have historically used the categories we invent, such as race, to distribute resources and power. We learn at an early age we can fit people into categories and those categories play an essential role in establishing identities. Our families and institutions, such as schools and the media, often lead us to believe some identities are better than others.

When teaching at an alternative high school serving students of various skin colors who were struggling through their teen years, I learned the impact our identity has on our vision of who we will become. A gentle, soft-spoken boy with light skin being raised by his grandparents worried he’d become a murderer like his father. A boy with Lakota heritage who had just studied the Holocaust wondered, “Why don’t people hate Germans instead of us Indians.”

Girls showed me the lyrics to their favorite songs, which portrayed them as objects whose only value was in providing sex to demanding males. A transgender student felt she would never have an opportunity for a loving, supportive relationship because of the messages she had received about an LGBTQ+ identity. A variety of students asked, “Why are you trying to teach us? We’ll just wind up in jail or working at McDonalds like our parents. Do you think we’re smart or something?”

The history and civics curriculum we provide our students is very important because it has a vital impact on their identities and the life paths they embark upon. I don’t believe anyone truly wants children, or adults, to feel badly about their identities. But sometimes we are so wrapped up in defending our own identities, in trying to escape guilt and shame, that we become defensive and neglect showing compassion, respect, and appreciation for the diversity of identities that surround us.

If our identity is tied to feeling special or uniquely blessed, hard truths and different perspectives will not be welcome information. When our identities are based on superiority to the identities of others, problems occur.

I grew up in the ‘60s and ‘70s and was taught about the Founding Fathers and other “his” stories of America. However, I do distinctly remember having the opportunity to read biographies of Marie Curie and Florence Nightingale. As a female, I could identify with those stories, and they comforted and motivated me much more than stories of heroes like Abe Lincoln or Albert Einstein. I also remember a story about George Washington Carver and the amazing discoveries he made regarding one of my favorite foods, the peanut. However, the grand majority of information I received regarding the contributions of people other than white males was garnered only through my own curiosity, as I sought out books covering a wide variety of people and perspectives.

We need to be proud of our identities and we need to understand why and how placing people in certain categories has led to unjust behaviors. One of my daughters sobbed after being told by a Sunday School teacher that, while enacting a play regarding a Jesus story, all the girls had to sit in the back while the boys got all the “good” roles. Through tears she told me, “I knew God didn’t like women, but I thought Jesus did.”

My daughter needed to know that historically societies, not Jesus, have demeaned women, and she needed to know why. We purchased a book entitled Herstory that told stories of strong women and the struggles they faced. My daughter confronted hard truths so that she could feel good about her identity and what the future could hold for her.

When I was teaching world history, one of my favorite topics was that of the Columbian Exchange. The world changed in “fourteen hundred and ninety-two when Columbus sailed the ocean blue” because it was the beginning of a link between the continents of Europe, Asia, and Africa, and the continents of North and South America. Goods such as wheat, oats, sugarcane, cows, horses, sheep and chickens, were transported across the ocean to the Americas. The Americas introduced colonizers to products such as potatoes, tomatoes, corn, beans, pineapples, turkeys, and cacao. Mixing cultures made possible hot chocolate and pizza.

After a class discussion on the Columbian Exchange, one of my Lakota students came up to me with a contented smile on her face and said, “So, everyone contributed to the America we live in today. That’s cool!”

When we tell the stories of the indigenous people and all the immigrants who came to the Americas, whether voluntarily or involuntarily, we honor all identities. When we explain why there are disparities in our society and encourage civil discourse that sparks positive change, we create “liberty and justice for all.” We walk the talk.

Critical race theory may be poorly named because it sounds so, well, critical – and nobody likes to be criticized. “Vital understanding theory” or “cultural awareness theory” might be better accepted and more accurately describe the goal of exploring and analyzing our society’s labels and the way they have affected, and continue to affect, the institutions and systems we have in place.

 J.R.R. Tolkien wrote, “Deep roots are not reached by the frost.” America is a land of great diversity with people who have amazing stories that need to be told. Growing up, I wasn’t made aware of the accomplishments, struggles, and resilience of all Americans, all the deep roots. For an American of European descent, that’s sad, but for Americans whose stories haven’t been told because of their minority status, that’s tragic.

All our stories need to be told. That’s not being critical, that’s being wise.

Photo by Naassom Azevedo on Unsplash

But I Have Issues

Published on by Christy HeacockLeave a comment

Photo by Tengyart on Unsplash

Following is the message I gave to my church, Canyon Lake Methodist, on July 13, 2021, while filling in for our excellent pastors and giving them a break. The sermon series, entitled “Your But’s Too Big,” focused on those things that keep us from finding our calling and living life to the fullest. My message was entitled, “But I Have Issues.” You can listen to the church service and message by following the link https://www.facebook.com/canyonlakeunitedmethodist/videos/126356636251833/

2 Corinthians 12:9-10 New International Version

9 But God said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. 10 That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.

Our pastors asked me to do the message on “But I Have Issues.” They said, “Chris, you have lots of issues, so this is a perfect topic for you.” Actually, they were too nice to say that so instead said, “You have a doctorate in psychology and psychology involves the study of people’s issues.” So, here I am.

What does it mean to have issues? Issues are emotional or psychological difficulties, and we all have those difficulties at some time or another, to varying degrees – from a personality quirk to a severe mental illness. When I taught psychology, I liked to assure students that, “We’re all a little crazy.” However, our issues don’t need to keep us from using our God-given gifts and talents, from following our dreams, from living fulfilling, purposeful lives.

Our scripture for today is about Paul, and it describes a time when Paul was having issues and he wanted God to do something about that. God had given him what Paul referred to as a thorn and Paul didn’t like it. I can certainly identify with his feelings.

Travis Heam, the author of “Your But’s Too Big” said “We want comfort. God wants character. We want freedom. God wants faith. We want easy. God wants everything. We want to feel good. God wants us to feel God.”  

In our society, issues are especially tough because we often feel like we have to pretend we don’t have issues, or we think we should be able to solve them by ourselves. We can tell people we’re on a diet or that we have high blood pressure, a bad back, or cancer, but it’s hard to admit we have mental issues, spiritual issues. We hide our true thoughts and feelings. And the horrible thing is that hiding our depression, anxiety, trauma, addiction or whatever issue we may be suffering from makes it worse. Pretending is poisonous.

So let’s not hide from our issues or let them keep us from our calling. Let’s look at the advice God gives to Paul, I’ll throw in a little psychology, and we’ll talk about three ways to keep from saying, “I would, but I have issues.”

First –God’s love is unconditional. “My grace is sufficient for you.”

My issues started early and I remember struggling as a teenager. I was fortunate to grow up in a Methodist church in Redfield, SD, that assured me God’s love was unconditional. God was merciful, not wrathful.  I was also fortunate that I loved to read. I still have the book I’m Okay, You’re Okay by Dr. Thomas Harris that helped get me through high school. It gave me hope that I was okay, even when I didn’t fit in or feel okay. Books can function as excellent therapists.

When Paul experienced his “thorn” – his issue – he needed assurance that even though what he was going through was hard, he was still okay. God told Paul, “My grace is sufficient for you.” Meaning it doesn’t matter how many issues you have, you are okay and I will love you through this.

Having faith and truly believing God’s assurance that “My grace is sufficient for you” is important because it helps us calm down and realize it’s okay to not feel okay. We are still okay even if our thoughts don’t feel okay. Because we are not our thoughts, we are not our crazy feelings. We are beloved children of a merciful God.

What we especially need when our issues are keeping us from sharing our gifts and causing us great pain is a firm foundation of love and acceptance. I’m okay. You’re okay. “My grace is sufficient for you.” If we don’t believe that – that grace is sufficient – we develop big buts full of shame and blame that keep us from delighting in life and living out our purpose; from finding the joy that forgiveness and compassion brings.

If our issues cause us to bury our heads in shame, we will miss out on new experiences that will help us grow closer to God and we’ll say, “I would, but . . .when asked to share our gifts with others, to experience new things. We’re worried we’ll mess up againand just create even more shame for ourselves. We’re stuck.

Blaming can be even worse because if we can’t face our issues, we may take our pain out on others and become people who spread hurt rather than healing. If we’re busy blaming others for our issues and judging them for their issues, we’re missing out on the peace that passes understanding and the joy that comes with accepting and giving grace. With realizing we’re all okay and doing the best we can. Which leads me to the second point. We’re born to learn, not perform.

Second – We’re Born to Learn, Not Perform

We’re born to learn, not perform, which means we will make mistakes and fail. That’s the human condition. We don’t know it all and we need Jesus to show us the way and other people to teach us. Even rugged individualists in South Dakota need help.

So our scripture goes on to say, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Paul had a very high opinion of himself, and the scripture informs us he was quite upset that he had to endure “weakness, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities.” He didn’t like having issues and at first, he tried to persuade God to get rid of them for him.

I understand, issues are no fun. We want comfort. God wants character. When I was much younger, I remember times when my issues were bothering me – and then I’d have an insight, a personal epiphany, and think, “I’ve got things figured out now. No more issues.”  And for a few hours, maybe even a couple days I did, but it wasn’t long before a new struggle would come along and I’d have issues again. I finally figured out this learning thing is lifelong. It’s not a one and done. God wants us to grow and learn all our lives. We’re to be lifelong learners.

Paul figured that out too. He wasn’t supposed to be too content with himself, and he definitely wasn’t supposed to boast about how smart and special he was. God told him to boast about his weaknesses, because his weaknesses, his issues, were going to lead him closer to God and keep him learning. It wouldn’t be as comfortable and self-esteem boosting as Paul would have liked, but struggles are when we have the opportunity to build character, to be transformed.

Like Paul, we probably need to do some complaining first because issues are tough. Then we can surrender and ask God, “What am I supposed to be learning? Why am I so depressed, so obsessive, so anxious, so angry, so unable to concentrate, so addicted, so tormented? And we ask God to be with us as we try to figure out our issues, as we grow and learn, ask for help, share what we’ve learned, and develop character. We change our focus, so our negative thoughts don’t spiral out of control.

Third – It’s Not All About Me.

Changing my focus and reminding myself, “It’s not all about me,” has been effective for me in a couple ways. First, I’ve quit telling God what to do – it wasn’t working anyway – and just ask the Holy Spirit to be with me as I stumble and struggle and do my best. Paul, too, realized it was not all about him and said, “When I am weak, I am strong.” What does that mean?

When we realize we’re weak, that we have a lot to learn, we can open our heart and mind to what the Spirit is telling us, what people around us and our experiences are trying to teach us, and that’s how we become strong. Open hearts, open minds, and open doors – our Methodist slogan – is what strengthens us. It’s what spiritual humility is all about.

Spiritual humility is realizing, “It’s not all about me” and that’s a delightful thing. Humility has been called the master virtue because it’s all about letting go of our ego and our fears and welcoming in the Holy Spirit. Spiritual humility isn’t about thinking less of ourselves, it’s about thinking of ourselves less. When I’m wasting time ruminating about my issues I can say, “Stop, it isn’t all about me,” remember that I am more than my negative thoughts and take a sanity break. I can think about the fruits of the spirit – love, joy, peace, forbearance, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control – and how I can develop those fruits and share them with others. I can think about how I can serve others, not how I can be served.

Mary Oliver, a poet who knew what it meant to struggle with issues, wrote “Attention is the beginning of devotion.” She had found that shifting her focus to the beauty of the earth, nature, and God’s creation allowed light to shine in her darkness. Paying attention to that which heals – nature, music, service, kindness – takes the focus off that which hurts. It strengthens us.

Spiritual humility means we are strong enough to share our gifts even though we may fail and fall flat on our face; it means we are strong enough to admit we don’t know everything, that we have issues, and we need help. When we are honest about our issues, when we face them with courage and compassion, knowing we are unconditionally loved, forgiven, and always learning, we keep our issues from turning into big buts. Instead, our issues bring us closer to God, closer to those with whom we share our concerns, and closer to our true calling. As God told Paul, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.”

Paul’s ability to handle his thorn, his issues, had its foundation in the love of God and he wrote in Romans 8: 38-39 the passage I will close with:

38I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, 39 neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord. Romans 8: 38-39.

I pray we will open our hearts, feel God’s love, and embrace grace.

Overcoming Trauma Through Forgiveness

Published on by Christy HeacockLeave a comment

Have you had experiences in your life that were extremely disturbing and still cause you emotional sadness or fear? Do you belong to a group that has been, or is currently being, oppressed or victimized?  If you answered no to both questions you are uniquely blessed.

Human history is full of trauma. I’m an educator and experienced at teaching world history. My students loved studying the wars, especially the dramatic world wars when humans were traumatized on a global level. Sometimes we think of history as studying one war after another, as if all we humans do is kill each other in the name of some grand or greedy cause. One student told me she couldn’t do a report on the recent history of Brazil because Brazilians hadn’t been in any wars during the last fifty years.

Survival as a human has rarely been easy. Prehistoric humans faced dangers like wild animals, food scarcity, and harsh weather conditions from which they had little protection. Fast forward to the last millennium and we find our hardships continuing.  

Europeans who had been traumatized in their home countries – by oppression, famine, homelessness, persecution of some kind – came across the ocean to what they referred to as the New World and inflicted trauma on the Indigenous people and the Africans they subjugated as slaves. Females have been viewed as property and had little recourse against rape or domestic abuse. Alpha males have made other males their pawns and directed them to kill and be killed for questionable causes. Kings, queens, and autocrats were constantly in danger of being beheaded or falling prey to some other sort of horror as those around them competed for power.

What has all that trauma done to us? It has indeed sharpened our survival instincts. We are equipped with an emotionally reactive amygdala that is powered by fear. It can override the rational, decision-making part of our brain, the prefrontal cortex, because it’s programmed for quick, life-or-death protective action. Sometimes the amygdala is a hero, saving us from dangerous predators and accidents. But at other times, it destroys relationships and causes high blood pressure.

We have evolved to automatically focus on negatives because we need to be ready to defend ourselves against the perils of the world. But too much fear over long periods of time causes overexposure to the hormone cortisol, which disrupts our body’s natural processes and increases our risk of health problems like heart attacks and headaches.  

Grouping people into “good” and “bad” categories and perceiving the world as a place where it’s “us against them” has protected us from harm as we banded together against them. But whether we like it or not, we are all connected. Viruses don’t honor national borders, and combatting the negative effects of climate change will take a global effort. Nuclear weapons have the capacity to destroy all the humans in the world, but I’m guessing cockroaches will somehow survive, as fossil evidence indicates they have for around 300 million years. 

Why have cockroaches survived? It’s not because they are extremely fearful and have developed ingenious ways to punish and kill each other. It’s because they are good at adapting to changing and difficult conditions. They “overcome.”

Overcoming trauma, for humans, requires the ability to calm our instinctual fears and use our prefrontal cortex to adapt to whatever environment we find ourselves in.  Scientist Marie Curie advised, “Nothing in life is to be feared, it is only to be understood. Now is the time to understand more, so that we may fear less.” Understanding helps us overcome our fear, heal from our trauma, and adapt to whatever situation we find ourselves in.

Fear can take the form of what Lakota writers have called Iktomi, the trickster. We must be careful because we can be tricked into harmful behavior unless we are self-aware and able to understand what we fear. That’s why Eleanor Roosevelt said, “You gain strength, courage, and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face. You are able to say to yourself, ‘I have lived through this horror. I can take the next thing that comes along. ‘”

All the major religions recognize self-control and forgiveness as virtues because fear, negativity, and demonizing “others” can lead to destructive decision making. We need to quiet down our amygdala and convince it to hand over control to what psychologists call our “executive function” – the part of our brain that can reflect and effectively problem solve.

A Bible verse, 2 Timothy 1:7, reads “For God gave us a spirit not of fear, but of power and love and self-control.” 1 John 4: 18-19 tells us that love — genuine love for ourselves, for each other, and for God — can overcome all fear. But self-control isn’t easy, nor is loving without conditions. It’s something we must genuinely desire and strive for.

“Moral injury” is a term psychologists use to describe a wound to our inner soul. It’s a type of trauma and it happens when our actions, or the actions of those we have admired and followed, runs contrary to our deeply held moral beliefs. This may happen in war, a time when survival instincts are on high alert, or anytime our foundational beliefs of goodness and truth are shattered. Our spirit suffers.

Forgiveness means letting compassion and grace heal us and set us free. Coming to terms with our own humanness, as well as embracing the humanity of others, allows us to let go of our fears and our bitterness at all the unfairness and cruelty in the world. We still work for justice and kindness, but with the guidance of that part of our being that directs us forward with hope and love.

Orson Scott Card wrote, “When you really know somebody, you can’t hate them. Or maybe it’s just that you can’t really know them until you stop hating them.”

That advice goes for knowing ourselves as well. We can shed our shame and resentment by accepting our humanness and forgiving ourselves for not being everything we assume we should be. We can reject a culture of blaming and liberate ourselves from fear. We don’t have to hide from the truth or distort it to feel in harmony with the world.

Deeply distressing, disturbing experiences – traumas – are hard to overcome, but it’s worth the effort. Forgiveness helps us heal, making life a little easier and bringing joy and light into our darkness.

My favorite Native American dance is the hoop dance, and it inspired me to write the following words.

Great people don’t spend their time jumping through other people’s hoops.

Great people don’t spend their time creating hoops for other people to jump through.

Great people learn how to dance with hoops and create circles that inspire, include, and enrich others.

 Photo courtesy PDPhoto.org –  https://commons.wikimedia.org/w/index.php?curid=868316

How To Avoid “Troubles”

Published on by Christy HeacockLeave a comment

 We in the United States have been experiencing troubles. “Troubles” is a term used to describe public unrest and disorder. On January 6th, we witnessed the storming of our Capitol and violent attacks on Congress. Riots and protests brought on by racial injustice, mass shootings, and hate groups fuel our troubles. Conspiracy theories and the spreading of dangerous misinformation spark our troubles.

Amidst our troubles, South Dakota governor Kristi Noem persuaded the state’s legislature to spend almost one million dollars to establish a new South Dakota Civics curriculum. She said the “common mission and key objective needs to be explaining why the USA is the most special nation in the history of the world.”

That comment made me recall a Pickles cartoon in which Grandma tells Grandson, “You’re unique and special, just like everybody else.” Some people believe in American exceptionalism – we’re the best and the brightest ever – but what about the people who question that or who think every nation is special in its own way?

If our mission is to teach students the USA is the most special nation in the history of the world, are we going to let students use their critical thinking skills to analyze that statement – or will we insist they accept American exceptionalism and feed them only information that supports that goal?

I’m proud of the ingenuity, tenaciousness, and strength my pioneer ancestors demonstrated as they survived and even thrived on the Dakota prairie. They came from Sweden, Great Britain, Germany, Russia, and who knows where else, and they worked hard to create a better life in what was to them a new land full of much needed opportunity. But I’m not going to deny the slave ship captain in the family tree that was discovered by my historian uncle, or ignore the duplicity and inhumanity that allowed European immigrants to acquire the land of the Indigenous people.

It’s natural to want to feel good about ourselves and our nation, but not at the expense of truth and excellent reasoning skills. If we’re truly patriots who love America, we embrace our country, warts and all, and accept the fact that all people – and nations – have strengths and weaknesses. If we can’t be honest about our mistakes, our faults, our ignorance, because we’re clinging so tightly to our superior identity, we won’t be able to develop, to adapt, and to learn from anyone whose viewpoint is different from ours. 

From 1968 to1998, Northern Ireland experienced the conflict commonly called “The Troubles,” a turbulent time in which a low-level war was fought between Catholics (Irish nationalists) and Protestants (British unionists). Catholics wished Northern Ireland would become one with the Republic of Ireland and Protestants wanted to remain part of the United Kingdom.

I visited Northern Ireland several years ago and learned that the Catholic position in The Troubles did not necessarily have anything to do with religion. As our taxi driver stated, “I’m Catholic, but I’m not religious.” The Troubles resulted from a history of injustice and prejudice, and they were eased through cooperative efforts to reduce anger and promote greater fairness throughout society.   

Northern Ireland suffered The Troubles because Protestants thought they were more special than Catholics and vice versa. But The Troubles became less troubling when Queen Elizabeth apologized for the injustices her government had inflicted on the Irish Catholics. On my tour of the Republic of Ireland, our Irish tour guide became quite emotional as she expressed her gratitude for Queen Elizabeth’s acknowledgement of oppressive actions and injustice on the part of the British. When someone sincerely apologizes and takes responsibility for the harm that was done, fear is reduced, and trust can be established. We really can’t trust someone who isn’t aware of the pain they have caused, because people are unable to change if they do not recognize what needs changing.

Education for Mutual Understanding was a program established in schools in Northern Ireland to ease The Troubles and they are currently promoting a curriculum entitled “Integration Works – Transforming Your Schools.” Students are taught to listen and empathize and are given skills to help them respond to personal and systemic injustice with compassion and creativity instead of anger and aggression. Healthy forgiveness is emphasized, meaning having the courage to confront issues with a genuine desire to understand, while working for peaceful solutions beneficial to all. Students are not taught that one group is more special than another but are instead asked to respect the inherent worth of all people.

Our brains are programmed for survival in wild environments and therefore our default system leads us to revenge, aggression, and competitiveness as we fear we won’t have enough resources or will be harmed by “the others.” We may grasp conspiracy theories instead of scientific explanations because they fit our preconceived notions and biases and require less effort to understand.

To avoid troubles, we need education that helps us understand how our brain works and that improves our thinking skills. Misinformation and conspiracy theories are dangerous, but the good news is we can be taught how to evaluate information and search for valid, reliable sources. We can learn skills that help us appreciate different perspectives and develop the ability to disagree without being disagreeable.

While teaching high school, I encountered students who were surprised to learn they could be angry without lashing out or running away. Because I didn’t lose my temper (usually, anyway) they assumed I was never angry. I assured them I did get angry, and we talked about ways to be assertive instead of aggressive or passive – to control our anger so it doesn’t control us.

I remember a situation in which students in rival gangs were invited into a mediation session that focused on creating win/win solutions. Students were amazed to discover that their foes had feelings and concerns much like their own. What was the secret to their discovery? One student explained, “I’d never listened without interrupting. I’d just assumed I knew what the others were thinking, and I only cared about what I thought.” Members of each side were able to express themselves without interference, and they then worked on fixing the problem, not the blame.

In that mediation session, the students were forced to listen to each other. The desire to listen compassionately to those outside our in-group doesn’t come naturally. Why? Because we may hear something that could upset our view of the world and our cherished beliefs. Changing our thoughts and behaviors is stressful. We worry about what our in-group will think. We could lose relationships and important connections if we’re seen as sympathetic to “those people” – the others who aren’t like us.

But it can be exciting and freeing to break down the wall we’ve constructed with the building blocks of fear, unclench our fists, quit gnashing our teeth, and let new insights and awareness flow through us. There is freedom in forgiveness and there is joy in learning and discovering.

Recently, Northern Ireland has again been plagued with violence. Brexit and economic problems have sparked rioting. These new troubles remind us our ability to effectively resolve conflict needs constant work and effort. Our mental and spiritual health requires tending in the same way our physical health does. If we do not keep working on our forgiveness and peaceful problem-solving skills, they will atrophy and our fight-or-flight instincts will predominate.

If we truly want a peaceful, just world where all human beings are respected and treated fairly and kindly, we won’t choose a curriculum that dictates one nation or one type of person is more unique and special than another. That’s the type of curriculum that was taught in Germany and Japan before World War II. If we want to avoid troubles, we will teach our students how to be kind, respectful, generous, and forgiving to everyone, not just to their own group. We will give them the skills needed to analyze and evaluate information.

And we will remind them they are unique and special, just like everyone else.

Why I Love Libraries

Published on by Christy HeacockLeave a comment

What kinds of places make your heart tingle, the corners of your mouth turn upward, your body relax? Beaches, mountain tops, flower gardens, babbling brooks, cozy restaurants, and for me – libraries. Books have been some of my best friends, and libraries contain my past buddies as well as future BFFs that I’m looking forward to meeting.

Libraries, of course, are not just for books anymore. They now have movies, computers, magazines, photocopiers, scanners, Storytime programs, makerspaces, and meeting rooms. They have Facebook pages and programs about yoga and gardening. Books can now be downloaded onto a variety of devices and may be heard but not seen. Sometimes I even enjoy housework because I can don my earbuds and immerse myself in a suspenseful mystery. At a particularly thrilling part, I’ve been known to dust stuff that hasn’t been touched for weeks – okay, maybe months. 

My favorite thing in libraries, however, remains words written on that old-fashioned material – paper. I can cuddle up with a book and travel to all sorts of distant places, make amazing discoveries, understand different perspectives, comprehend insightful information, all from the comfort of a chair or couch. I can skim boring descriptions and reread passages that spark my imagination. Books are incredibly patient and transform me at whatever pace I choose.

Libraries are full of interesting books and interesting people. There are nerdy folks like me, parents shepherding rambunctious children, individuals seeking a warm, welcoming environment, and people grateful for the computers and low-cost resources a library provides. There are people of all shapes, ages, and sizes, from every income bracket, pursuing a diverse variety of reading materials: romance, history, sci-fi, fantasy, self-help, classics, mysteries, biographies, . . . Oh, the places we can go!

I first fell in love with libraries while growing up in Redfield, South Dakota. The library there began as a reading club with members buying books to circulate. In March of 1902, the town received a Carnegie Library grant of $10,000. Andrew Carnegie was a Scottish-American philanthropist who funded a total of 2,509 Carnegie libraries between 1883 and 1929. At first, he funded only libraries in places to which he had a personal connection, but in later years, few towns that requested funding and agreed to terms of operation and maintenance were refused a grant.

 Redfield’s library has the distinction of being the oldest Carnegie Library in continuous use in South Dakota.  It’s now on the National Register of Historic Places.

I remember the beautiful building and the extremely interesting books it contained about dinosaurs. Like most children, I was a big fan of prehistoric creatures. The Redfield Carnegie Library also contained a plethora of Nancy Drew mysteries. Perfect Nancy, tomboy George, and plump Bess were great friends with three distinct personalities who accepted me just the way I was.

When I was a teenager, Redfield’s librarian, who may have been a hippie at heart, let me check out Catcher in the Rye, which was a scandalous book back in the ‘70s. It was a liberating read for a naïve girl from a small town whose most exotic travel experiences had been to Aberdeen, South Dakota, and the Black Hills. Reading it again as an adult was disappointing though, as I found it more silly than tantalizing.

The classics fascinated me as a teenager because I wondered why certain books had been deemed so special. Shakespeare’s dialect perplexed me, but I was able to journey in my mind to different places and times through the works of authors such as Charles Dickens, Mark Twain, James Michener, and Fyodor Dostoevsky.  My vocabulary expanded and whenever I see the word “unctuous” I think of Uriah Heep, the villain in David Copperfield. Western history began to come alive for me while I read Bury My Heart at Wounded Knee and my interest in Russian history sprouted through War and Peace. In other words, Redfield’s Carnegie Library was an enormously exciting place to be.

Local bookstores weren’t available to me when growing up, but I delight in them now, especially if they contain a coffee shop. The advantage of acquiring a book in a store over a library is that, when you pay for a book, you can write in it and highlight the good stuff. If you’re running out of room for all your books, you can become a librarian yourself – loaning books to people or generously giving them away, with the only caveat being recipients should pass the precious words on to someone else.

If you have an addictive personality, I highly recommend becoming hooked on books. Books can give you a natural high. Library cards are generally free, so you can obtain one and have access to all the “uppers” you need – very economical. Charles De Montesquieu said, “I have never known any distress that an hour’s reading did not relieve.” If you’re feeling sad or stressed, finding a good book may be excellent therapy. It has worked for me.

When I finish a good book, I often have to do a little grieving because I miss the characters I’ve come to know. When my daughters were young, together we read the Anne of Green Gables series by Lucy Maud Montgomery and became kindred spirits. Visiting the book’s setting, Prince Edward Island, was on my wish list and several years ago I delighted in visiting the sites set up for Anne groupies like me that so enjoyed the wit and wisdom contained in Montgomery’s writing.

I love libraries because their contents allow me to journey to places I’d never be able to go physically. They expand my mind, warm my heart, give me comfort, and allow me to escape whatever may be troubling me.  Thank you, librarians and authors. I’m grateful for all the joy you’ve given me.

Photos compliments of the Redfield Carnegie Library