Tag: forgiveness

Must We Walk This Lonesome Valley By Ourselves?

Published on by Christy Heacock1 Comment

After the congregation finished singing the hymn “Jesus Walked This Lonesome Valley,” the pastor at the Methodist church I was visiting in Washington, DC, said, “That’s an awful song. It’s terrible. I should have looked more carefully at the music. I’m sorry!” The congregation burst into laughter.  The pastor’s distress was real, but how often do you hear a minister dissing a song from the hymnal?

 “Jesus Walked This Lonesome Valley” is an American folk song often heard at Lent, the time of year when Christians remember events leading to and including the death of Jesus Christ. The first verse of the song focuses on Jesus walking alone, presumably to the cross. But the next two verses are all about us:

We must walk this lonesome valley,

We have to walk it by ourselves.

Oh, nobody else can walk it for us.

We have to walk it by ourselves.

You must go and stand your trial,

You have to stand it by yourself.

Nobody else, can stand it for you.

You have to stand it by yourself.

I remember my grandmother singing that song. She’d lived through the Depression, WWI and WWII, health problems, money woes, and other hardships. The song brought her comfort and when I researched it, I found the song often touched people who were suffering and needed the courage to persevere. So why was the pastor upset?

Well, because she’d just preached a lovely sermon assuring us that God was always with us. That we did not walk alone because the Holy Spirit was within us. She also assured her congregation of the church’s support for them when they faced trials and tribulations. In other words, she’d been telling us we do not walk alone. And then what happens? We sing a song telling us we have to walk alone.

So what should we think? Do we need to be rugged individualists walking unaided, or supported believers in a God that provides unconditional love?

As with all words, the meaning is in people – not the words themselves. Words are interpreted by the listener, reader, or singer who then assigns them meaning.

I did a Google search and found that lonesome valley songs often had their roots in rural Appalachia or in African American spirituals and had varied lyrics. For example, “Jesus Walked This Lonesome Valley” does not appear in African American hymnals but the song, “I Want Jesus to Walk With Me” does. Other versions focus totally on Jesus and don’t demand we humans navigate this lonesome valley by ourselves.

I believe in the importance of support and guidance on our life journey. My doctoral forgiveness study led me to the theme of empowerment through connections, courage, compassion, and creativity. The people I interviewed described connections that helped them traverse their path to forgiveness. They had a Higher Power, religious communities, family, friends, therapists, or mentors that walked this lonesome valley with them.

But forming those connections required courage. They had to become vulnerable and ask for guidance. Sometimes they were walking their lonesome valley alone as they searched for understanding and support. What was important was that they kept walking, even if they felt alone for a while. They had faith and hope that kept them following the way of love and compassion.

I find faith to be most difficult when I’m worried about the future and feel helpless and confused. I don’t know what’s lurking in the valley and I’m not sure where my walk will lead me. Courage is needed to accept whatever the valley holds for me while trusting my path will help me grow and evolve.

Humility – meaning the ability to clearly perceive, and the willingness to accept, one’s strengths and weaknesses – is a welcome companion when I’m traveling rough roads. It provides me with freedom from believing I must know everything or do everything on my own. It advises me to accept myself and the world as it is and give up expectations and desires that are both futile and making me miserable.  

Spiritually, humility means recognizing there is a power greater than ourselves whom we can trust to love and guide us. It’s often hard to let go of my ego’s need for perfection or control, but when I can humble myself and surrender to love and a higher power, my burden becomes lighter and my joy greater.

I think my grandmother found comfort in singing about this lonesome valley because when times were tough it helped her face sorrow. Grief hurts, but it’s necessary to work through it – not deny it – and music can be a wonderful solace.

Additionally, the first verse told her that Jesus had to walk this lonesome valley alone. I think it helped her to know Jesus also suffered as he faced a tough journey to the cross where he died.

Grandma had a faith that inspired me. She walked this lonesome valley courageously and she was a role model for me. When I’m walking my own lonesome valleys, I often feel Grandma beside me as well as the kind, merciful God Grandma taught me about. Our valleys aren’t as deep when we open our hearts and let love in.

When I hear “Jesus Walked This Lonesome Valley” in the future, I’ll think of Grandma, and also of the pastor who assured her congregation we do not have to walk alone. We just need the courage to reach out, believe, and keep walking.

Free Forgiveness Coaching

Published on by Christy Heacock1 Comment

Are you interested in forgiveness coaching sessions?  

As many of you know, I’ve been researching, writing, and teaching about forgiveness for ten years. Recently, I completed a forgiveness coaching program so that I can guide individuals and groups down a healing path that leads to peace, better relationships, and personal growth.

If you would like to let go of hurts or disappointments that are causing you pain, I invite you to contact me regarding forgiveness coaching that I am offering free of charge for a limited time. Sessions can take place in person or virtually through Zoom. To find out more, please contact me at christyheacock@gmail.com or 605-390-3869.

You are welcome to share this information. Thank you!

Who Are You Allergic To?

Published on by Christy HeacockLeave a comment

“If you take sulfa again, you will die.” That was the prognosis after the sulfa prescribed for my infection caused me to become ill and break out in hives that stretched from my head to the bottom of my feet.  It was my introduction into the dangers of allergies.

Allergies occur when our immune system identifies a certain substance as harmful, even though it isn’t. Apparently, the decision-making cells in my immune system mistakenly decided the foreigner sulfa was dangerous, so warrior cells were ordered to attack. Unfortunately, sending the troops into battle caused more harm than good. Nevertheless, in the future, my immune system will stubbornly continue to believe sulfa is a dangerous enemy. That fear, not the sulfa itself, will be what could kill me.   

It amazes me that our immune system has the same problem with fear that our brain does. When we overreact to perceived danger, we cause ourselves needless stress resulting in a variety of negative consequences: high blood pressure, anxiety disorders, insomnia, paranoia, damaged relationships – and on a broader scale – terrorism and war.

Perhaps it should come as no surprise that fear and overreaction are common themes affecting both our immune system and our limbic system (the part of the brain involved in our behavioral and emotional responses). After all, a significant challenge in life is assessing risks and creating balanced responses. Antibodies protect us against bacteria, viruses, and infections, but our immune system finds it hard to identify a real threat and react appropriately every time. Our limbic system also suffers from imperfection. It’s designed to protect us from danger, but we don’t always assess a situation accurately. Overreacting shuts down rational, higher-order thinking.

To complicate things further, overreacting to fear creates unhealthy responses that fuel more fears. Admitting we incorrectly responded may hurt our pride and make us fear vulnerability, so we cling to our “allergies.” What a vicious cycle it can be!

Taking control of our worries isn’t easy because one of our primary concerns is, naturally, our safety and survival. We develop “allergies” to each other because we fear being hurt and losing power, control, or resources. Unfortunately, those allergies will end up harming us if we don’t mount a rational counteroffensive.

Fear can lie to us. We need to have a conversation with our fears because they will demand to be heard and acknowledging them can be an insightful experience. But we don’t want them to scream at us and manipulate us into doing something stupid. And we don’t want them to keep us from learning and growing wiser. Seeking a compassionate, balanced discussion with our fears prevents them from moving in and creating allergies.

For example, it seems there are a plethora of politicians and media outlets that want me to fear immigrants and people from foreign countries. If I had let those voices create “allergies” within me, I would have missed out on tutoring English language learners from various countries and I wouldn’t have ventured to Kenya, Palestine, Nicaragua, Lithuania, and Peru on mission trips. My fears may have kept me safe, but they wouldn’t have opened my mind and heart to illuminating new understandings.

Being brave and courageous is a formidable task – at least it is for me – but I don’t want fear to steal my happiness or my integrity. I don’t want to develop the equivalent of an autoimmune disease.

Autoimmune diseases occur when our immune cells attack our own body by mistake. When I become hateful, jealous, greedy, dishonest (or any other adjective indicating a breakdown in my morals), I am attacking my own character. I need to keep my spiritual self healthy so I can fight off transgressions that tempt me because I’m afraid. Gandhi said, “The enemy is fear. We think it is hate; but, it is fear.”

The virtue of forgiveness is impossible to genuinely pursue when we are fearful. We can’t let go of a painful event if we are frightened that it will occur in the future. If I’m hurt by someone and don’t know how to prevent that pain going forward, I will hold onto it until I understand it and can figure out how to reduce it. If I don’t trust myself, I need to determine how to regain self-respect, so I don’t keep torturing myself with shame and regret.   

Actress Betty White said, “You don’t luck into integrity. You work at it.” We have to work at virtues, just like we work at a healthy diet or skill building. The potential is there, but we fool ourselves if we believe integrity develops without effort and a generous dose of humility.

We use our rational brain to fight fear and hate, but we’re also going to need love – love for all humankind, including ourselves. The Roman poet Virgil, around 37 BCE wrote in “Eclogues” that, “Love conquers all; let us surrender to love.” The Bible, 1 John 4:18, counsels us that, “Perfect love casts out fear.” Contemporary author Lorin Morgan-Richards wrote, “Love conquers the temporary hold of fear and hate. Inhumanity is a loop without it.” Throughout the ages, we’ve been advised to love one another, not fear one another.

A love for humankind, also known as agape love, is what unites and heals us. But human history testifies to how difficult it is to embrace. It requires compassion, which I think of as empathy with action. We not only strive to take the perspective and feel the emotions of another, we desire to let that understanding guide us.

When I’m fearful, I’m imprisoned in my own ego because I erect a wall that keeps out compassion. Shifting my perspective allows me to conquer my fear. For example, I was angry with someone recently because, in my mind, they were being arrogant and disrespectful to me. Whether they were or were not wasn’t the issue in my response. I reminded myself their behavior was a reflection on them, not me. Then I chose to be compassionate and consider what they were fearing – what their struggle was – and planned my response accordingly. The outcome was far better than had I given in to the allergy I was forming.

My fear sometimes stems from a lack of compassion for myself. I worry I will say or do something wrong. If I remind myself that it’s okay to say or do something that doesn’t meet expectations, I can relax, show myself self-love, and prevent my fears from harming me.

Autoimmune diseases are caused by a combination of genetics and environment. The same is true about our behaviors. Genetics provides us with a system that allows us to protect and defend ourselves and we can be grateful for that. But we can be especially thankful that we have it in our power to control our fears.

As Winston Churchill said, “Fear is a reaction. Courage is a decision.”

Photo by Cristi Ursea on Unsplash

Benefits of a Forgiveness Lifestyle: Especially During the Holidays

Published on by Christy Heacock2 Comments

“I used to be angry for several days, but now I can usually calm down in about ten minutes.” These are words from one of the forgiveness heroes I interviewed who lives a forgiveness lifestyle. She’s human, so of course she will get angry at times. But she’s learned the art of controlling her anger, so her anger doesn’t control her.

The holidays can be wonderful. Lights, decorations, beautiful music, delicious food, social gatherings, and family time can brighten our lives. But the holidays can also be stressful, and we may find ourselves experiencing more angst than joy, especially if we have high expectations and want things to be perfect. Even a little perfection is tough for me to manage. That’s why I strive to live a forgiveness lifestyle, especially during the holidays.

It’s natural to desire perfection, but unrealistic to expect it. No one gets through life without pain and disappointment of some kind or another. Forgiveness may get us through tough times even better than drugs.

All major religions advocate forgiveness and so do health care professionals. The Mayo Clinic has guidance on forgiveness under its healthy lifestyle section. It advocates letting go of grudges and bitterness so you can have:

  • Healthier relationships
  • Improved mental health
  • Less anxiety, stress and hostility
  • Lower blood pressure
  • Fewer symptoms of depression
  • A stronger immune system
  • Improved heart health
  • Improved self-esteem

Sound good? Sure, but how do you actually live a healthy forgiveness lifestyle?

First, you decide you want to be a forgiving person.  Not everyone does. I have met people who seem to thrive on conflict and grudges. They appear to take immense satisfaction from judging and casting aspersions on those who don’t think or act like them. Some of us may be working on how to forgive those very people.

I, however, don’t like feeling bitter and resentful. I seem to have a low tolerance for unhappiness and am motivated to find ways to release negative emotions that haunt and hurt me. So I’ve learned the art of forgiveness.

Genuine forgiveness does a splendid job of calming us and facilitating serenity. We learn to accept the things we cannot change so we can move forward with courage, compassion, and creativity. Once we’ve experienced liberating, heart-felt forgiveness, we become motivated to apply our skills to all areas of our life. We are transformed.

Genuine forgiveness comes from the heart, but we must also use our head. The process of forgiving requires us to activate our rational brain. We become aware of survival instincts that shout at us to focus on negative information and define justice as revenge. This recognition allows us to quiet harmful messages and upshift to our cerebral cortex, the area where much of our information processing resides. We can then respond instead of react, reflect and seek understanding of whatever is bothering us.  We can decide whether our thoughts and behaviors are healthy or harmful. Our rational brain determines whether we will work on letting go of bitterness and resentment so we can experience the benefits of a forgiveness lifestyle.

If we decide we want to dispose of grudges and be gentler to ourselves and others, we need to seek connections that will support us and facilitate our growth. We know we’ve found the right connections if we find ourselves becoming kinder and less fearful, and if we feel we are being true to our authentic selves.

A forgiveness lifestyle means giving up whatever rewards we are receiving from being a victim and instead embracing our power to create a new story that showcases our courage and compassion. We’ll still get knocked down sometimes – that’s life – but we’ll have the skills and determination to get back up again.

Forgiving others often begins with forgiving ourselves. Sometimes we can’t acknowledge our mistakes because we believe that being vulnerable is dangerous. Professor and author Brene Brown said, “Vulnerability is not weakness. And that myth is profoundly dangerous.” Why is it dangerous? Because if we can’t take responsibility for our missteps, if we think that’s showing weakness, we deny ourselves a necessary part of our continuing transformation.

It’s also dangerous to become obsessed with our shortcomings. Regrets and shame will weigh us down and prevent us from evolving. The forgiveness lifestyle means learning from our mistakes, not dwelling on them. We give up our hope for a different past and refuse to use previous wrongdoings or failures as excuses to hide behind.

When we’re able to be compassionate with ourselves and realize we’re all doing the best we can, we will be able to use forgiving for giving to those we care about. Our burdens are lighter and our capacity to love expands.

This Thanksgiving, my family watched the recently released documentary “Gratitude Revealed.” The film reminded us to appreciate the beauty of nature through its glorious cinematography, and the resilience of the human spirit through the telling of inspirational stories. Gratitude is essential to a forgiveness lifestyle because it directs our perspective to the positive and provides the energy needed to deal with disappointment and pain. It’s not healthy to ignore the bad stuff in our lives, but it’s toxic to dwell on it.

Letting go of bitterness or shame gives us more time and energy for joy. Comedian Amy Schumer said, “We all accept too easily that life has to be hard and forget to make sure we have the most fun we can.”

I don’t think life is easy, but I agree with Amy that we have within us the power to make room for fun even when life is hard. We can make the decision to pursue a forgiveness lifestyle and get rid of burdens that prevent us from laughing, loving, and enjoying special moments.

During the holidays we can let ourselves feel the joy of whatever it is that lifts our spirits – be it Hallmark movies or documentaries, making cookies or buying cookies, caroling on or off key, shopping or refusing to shop – whatever fits your style. Let go of FOMO (fear of missing out) and embrace JOMO (joy of missing out). Don’t expect everyone to get along at holiday gatherings. I sometimes imagine myself in a situation comedy when conversations get weird. Perhaps the best thing I do is remember that our intentions are good, even if the results of our intentions aren’t.

A recipe for a happy holiday includes generosity – not of material gifts – but of grace. Huge helpings of forgiveness when reality falls short of expectations will lead to love and the reason for the season. Enjoy spending the holidays in style – forgiveness style.

Photo by Jakob Owens on Unsplash

Do You Believe in a God You Can Trust?

Published on by Christy HeacockLeave a comment

“In God We Trust” first appeared on US coins in 1864, a time when our nation was devastated by the Civil War and desperately in need of spiritual sustenance.  On July 11, 1955, President Eisenhower signed a bill requiring that the motto appear on US coins and currency. In 2019, a bill was signed requiring all South Dakota public schools to display “In God We Trust”  in a prominent place where students will likely see it.  

But what does it mean to trust in God? If I’m expected to trust – meaning have confidence in the character, strength, and truth of someone or something – I need to understand that someone or something. We may agree that God represents a deity or supreme being, but there’s a lot of variation from that point on. Quoting Enlightenment philosopher Voltaire, “If you wish to converse with me, define your terms.”

My concept of God stems from my childhood and the church where I grew up surrounded by good friends from school and caring Sunday School teachers. Hanging in the church hallway was a lovely picture of a Jesus figure with long hair and a kind smile in a beautiful, sunny meadow with adorable children and cute lambs. That became a comforting visual of God for me.

I didn’t think too much about that painting that has provided me the image of a God I could trust until I heard someone describe statues of Buddha as having a combination of male and female characteristics. That got me thinking. My Jesus/God image is not a burly guy with machismo, or an old, bearded king judging me from the sky. My God lives in nature and is gentle and nurturing.

Hindus have many images of the Divine. The Hindu Triumvirate is composed of three divine couples, male and female. They represent different aspects of our existence and are to be trusted to assist with a variety of human needs.

Chinese religion offers the yin and the yang, which represents complementary forces such as the feminine and masculine, dark and light, hot and cold. No force is superior to the other, but they need to be in balance to create harmony.

The Muslim word for God is Allah. Allah has no gender. Muslims believe gender is a human trait and Allah, who is beyond human, therefore has no gender. Pictures and statues of human figures are avoided to prevent idolatry, so mosques contain beautiful calligraphy, floral motifs, and geometric designs.

I especially appreciate one of the indigenous names for the Divine, Wakan Tanka, which can be translated as the “Great Mystery,” because the concept of God is mystifying and impossible for the human mind to fully comprehend. “Mother Earth” and “Father Sun” are often visuals for people who live close to nature.

Our mental images of God help us relate to, or feel connected to, a power that is vast, abstract, and eternal. Concepts of the divine vary because we need a vision we can personally relate to – a God we can trust.

My mom had to deal with breast cancer that metastasized and was very painful. She lived with it for many years, and she found comfort and strength in angels. She had a wonderful collection of angels in different sizes and shapes but all conveyed love and compassion. Mom has passed away and I wish I’d asked her more questions about her faith. I treasure the angels she left behind.

Visuals are powerful because of the feelings and emotions they invoke in us. One woman I interviewed for my forgiveness research loved the image of Guan Yin, Goddess of Mercy, Buddhist bodhisattva of compassion. She said, “Isn’t she beautiful? Such a kind lady.” That image guided her as she aspired to become a more compassionate, forgiving person.

Another woman I know who’d been abused by her husband had a strong connection with Jesus’s mother, Mary. She was a devout Catholic so made sure I knew she, “worshipped God, not Mary.” We’re trained to value hierarchy and know we can get in trouble if we don’t acknowledge power. But it was Mary who filled her heart and soul with love and peace.

When people tell me they don’t trust in God, their reasons often are something like this: “If there was a God, he wouldn’t let bad things happen to good people.” Some people personify God as a “he” with superpowers – like Santa Claus. He’s supposed to bestow requested gifts on the good people and lumps of coal on the naughty ones.

Some people don’t trust God because so many wars and hurtful acts are justified through religion. I hear, “Religion is why we have so much hate in the world.” Some people’s God appears as a fear-mongering politician or a military general who wants us to line up on one side or another of a human-conceived battlefield.

As we grow older, we can start to think of the Divine in more abstract ways, but we may still need to obtain inspiration through a visual image that provides us peace and joy. I believe God is Love, but how do I visualize love?

Love is an abstract concept, and sometimes I need a picture in my mind to comfort and encourage me while praying and seeking guidance. It may be a scene from nature, an image of the Divine, an adorable animal, an inspirational person.

Our God concept evokes our feelings, guides our thinking, and affects our behavior, so it’s important to reflect upon whether our personal idea of the Divine is one we can trust. What leads you to loving kindness, gives you courage, shields you from fear, and provides comfort and hope when life is tough?

People envision God in various ways, and I don’t trust in everyone’s concept of God. I do, however, trust in the Fruit of the Spirit – meaning the power of love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, generosity, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control.

I hope the God you trust strengthens your character, brings you peace, and empowers you with the fruit of the Spirit.

Photo by Raimond Klavins on Unsplash

Forgiveness Transforms Victims Into Heroes

Published on by Christy HeacockLeave a comment

Hope is being able to see that there is light despite all the darkness.

~ Bishop Desmond Tutu

What makes someone a hero? According to my online dictionary, it’s being admired for courage, noble qualities, and outstanding achievement. Someone who forgives a major offense or injustice fits that definition.

Forgiveness requires the courage to confront and accept our pain, plus the ability to embrace compassion and empathy – which are noble qualities. The capacity to let go of a story of victimhood and forge a path forward that shines a light in the darkness is an outstanding achievement.

We honor heroes and remember victims. We’ve all been treated unfairly at some point in our lives and been hurt in ways we didn’t deserve. Victims suffer and feel justified outrage. Sometimes victims get sympathy and compensation for their suffering. Sometimes they get to avenge a wrong. But victims don’t become heroes until they are empowered through forgiveness.

When we’ve been victimized, it’s natural to focus on ourselves and whoever or whatever is to blame for the hurt we feel. We need to understand and process through our pain. But if we’re not careful, we may stay stuck in the past, wallowing in bitterness and regrets, too afraid or resentful to create new, improved chapters in our life stories.

Forgiveness heroes also have regrets and fears, but they learn from the past and focus on a brighter future. They use their struggles to become strong and help others.

How many politicians garner votes and media attention not by helping others, but through fear of “others,” convincing us that we are victims of the “bad” group? Life will get better if we just become enraged enough – and of course vote for them.

But victims aren’t heroes.

I listened to a pastor tell members of the LGBTQ+ community that he was a victim of their advocacy efforts – that they were trying to make him feel bad for refusing to preside at their weddings or allow them leadership roles in the church. In his defense, he said, “My niece is a lesbian and married her partner. I went to her wedding and she assured me she loved me and respected me, even though I wouldn’t officiate at her wedding.” I thought, “Your niece is a hero. She has compassion for you and loves you without conditions. You, however, are stuck being a victim.”

I taught a class where we discussed the issues of “white privilege” and “critical race theory.” One woman felt ashamed of her white privilege and didn’t know what to do about it. I said, “Feeling ashamed isn’t the goal. Being aware and using that awareness to make your community a more just and welcoming place is the objective.” 

When one group has oppressed the other, it’s common for both groups to become defensive and sometimes compete for victimhood status. No one should feel bad about who they are, but we should all feel bad about unjust or cruel behavior – even if it’s in the past and even if we weren’t directly involved. That’s the only way lessons will be learned and progress will occur.

Whether we’re talking about group or individual relationships, genuine forgiveness can only occur when past wrongs are acknowledged and their impact on the present brought into the light of awareness. Otherwise, both sides will dig in and exchange insults in a scenario resembling trench warfare, meaning horrible destruction with no productive results.

Forgiveness is all about the process of working through our grievance story so we can emerge from a house of sorrows into a garden of possibilities. It’s not about excusing, condoning, or overlooking wrongdoing. It’s about freeing ourselves from the burdens of bitterness and resentment. As a Lakota woman I interviewed said, “No one is going to make me hate.” She was a Sacred Pipe Carrier and a hero who overcame great pain to spread light and compassion.

There is darkness in the world and a very powerful part of our brain wants us to focus attention on that darkness. After all, to survive, we must see problems and recognize danger. But we can’t solve problems unless we shift our attention to the light.  

One of the forgiveness heroes I interviewed for my research said, “When I was able to overcome my dark emotions, it was like a cloud being lifted. Forgiveness helps you see people clearly and understand them better. I’ve learned to respect opinions that differ from my own and take offensive comments less seriously.”

Life is hard and relationships can be difficult, but we can empower ourselves with love and forgiveness. Mister (Fred) Rogers said, “Love isn’t a state of perfect caring. It is an active noun like ‘struggle.’”

We can all be forgiveness heroes. But first, we have to have the courage and compassion necessary to let go of being victims.

Photo by Curt Landry Ministries, curtlandry.com

Why Is It So Hard to “Let Go”?

Published on by Christy HeacockLeave a comment

The curious paradox is that when I accept myself just as I am, then I can change.

~ Psychologist Carl Rogers

I’m taking a course to prepare me to become a forgiveness coach. Our current assignment is to examine our personal lives and decide if we’re ready to let go of a story we’ve been telling ourselves about the past that’s causing us pain. I’ve been researching and practicing forgiveness for quite a while now and have gotten pretty good at letting go of regrets and resentments from the past. However, I’m in a personal situation now that calls me to let go of my desires for the future if I want to avoid needless anxiety and gloom. I’m working on it, but it’s not been easy.

Letting go is tough. When we are young, we learn things should be a certain way. We should get an education, have lots of friends, find a terrific job, marry our soul mate, have adorable kids, take exciting vacations that look good on social media. Failure, betrayal, abuse, divorce, mental illness, crushing debt, loneliness should not be part of our life story – but they often are.

I titled my book Being Human Is Hard: Choose Forgiveness because for most of us, it is hard to be human. If we can’t accept that – if we can’t let go of the fantasy that we shouldn’t have to feel pain, mess up, experience injustice – we set ourselves up for despair.

The Buddha taught that if we cling too tightly to our desires and expectations we will suffer. A friend reminded me that others will suffer too. She said, “When I try so hard to make sure things are perfect and just right, I get mean and controlling.”

 “Let go and let God” is a phrase that reminds us to lighten up and recognize we’re not in charge of the world.  Philippians 4:6-7 (New International Version Bible) advises:

 Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

If we want peace and joy, it helps to unclench our fists, breathe deeply, and surrender to the mystery which is life.

Letting Go of the Desire to Change the Past

I have learned that letting go of the past means confronting its ugliness and messiness, dealing with shame, and understanding why something happened so we can prevent it from happening again. It does not mean looking back and thinking up excuses for what happened; it does not mean condoning or denying that something painful or unjust occurred.

For example, I’ve interviewed several people who had thought they’d forgiven, but were still haunted by their past. They eventually realized they hadn’t truly forgiven because genuine, deep forgiveness gets rid of the bitter taste of resentment and shame.

Why did some of the people I interviewed think they’d forgiven when they hadn’t? Often, it was because they’d told themselves a story that excused or condoned their abuse. The abuser had a bad childhood, was an addict, etc. Sometimes pain was denied because the person felt ashamed of their hurt. The problem with excusing, condoning, or denying is that the ache is simply buried and can’t make its way to the surface, where it can finally be dispelled.  

So how do we oust the pain? We talk about it, pray about it, and work on compassionately understanding it. One of the techniques used in forgiveness coaching is reparenting our inner child. We let ourselves go back in time and imagine comforting the hurt child or adult in us. We nurture our broken self in the way a loving, grace-filled parent would, and give ourselves the kindness we didn’t receive at the time. The goal is transforming our pain so we learn from it and feel safe and loved.

Letting Go of Expectations for the Future

The problem I’ve been working on in my class is how to let go of my expectations about the future. We naturally think we know the way life should be. We’ve been told by our families, schools, media, religious leaders, politicians, advertisers, that we should be a certain way and want certain things and live a certain type of life. But sometimes we need to let all that go and be willing to travel to destinations that seem foreign and frightening at first.

In my case, I desired a certain outcome to a personal dilemma and was clutching it too tightly. It’s hard not to have control over something we want so much and that we truly believe is for the best.  However, I reminded myself, “Who am I to think that I know what’s best?” and remembered the classic story that follows:

Story of the Farmer Whose Horse Ran Away

A farmer’s horse ran away. On hearing of the misfortune, the farmer’s neighbor arrived to commiserate, but all he got from the farmer was, “Who knows what’s good or bad?”  This proved to be true, for the next day the horse returned bringing with it a drove of wild horses in its train.  This time the neighbor arrived with congratulations, only to receive the same response.  This too was so, for the next day the farmer’s son tried to mount one of the wild horses and broke a leg.  More commiserations from the neighbor, with the same response, which was again validated, for soldiers soon came around commandeering for the army, and the son was spared because of his injury.

          The Dalai Lama tells us to “Remember that not getting what you want is sometimes a wonderful stroke of luck.” And I do remember times in my life when that has been true. But what about when it’s not? What about when disaster strikes?

Who Will Catch Me If I Let Go?

Letting go is difficult because we’re often unsure who and what will catch us if we fall. We need the nourishment and support that comes from spiritual and human relationships we can count on. We need to connect with our higher power and people who will listen patiently and without judgment.

When everything seems to be going wrong, it’s more important than ever to remember any little thing that may be going right. Without thankfulness for something – friendly dogs, a favorite food, a kind word from or for a stranger – we deplete our power source and find ourselves in the dark. Gratitude can light our way and lift us up when we fall.

William Kent Krueger’s book, This Tender Land, has a quote I love. The main character, Odie, is reflecting on his life and says:

It’s pointless to rail about the twists in the river . . . worry about where the current will take [you]. . . I still struggle to understand what I know in my heart is a mystery beyond comprehension. Perhaps the most important truth I’ve learned across the whole of my life is that it’s only when I yield to the river and embrace the journey that I find peace.

Letting go means freeing ourselves from thoughts and emotions that are blocking our creativity and ability to find joy and peace. When we are truly able to accept that “It is what it is,” we find the courage to become what we are meant to become.

Photo by Ankush Minda on Unsplash

Creating a Brighter Story for Ourselves

Published on by Christy HeacockLeave a comment

Creativity is the greatest expression of liberty.

~Bryant H. McGill

I still remember the moment when I realized I didn’t have to believe everything I was telling myself. Yes, I had a story, but I didn’t have to stick to it. Not if it was causing me unnecessary pain, keeping me from moving forward, preventing me from opening my eyes to a new and improved perspective on life.

It was a joyous, liberating feeling. I could create a new story that would benefit me and clear away some of the clouds that had obscured the light I needed to transform a painful situation. I acquired an amazing skill that made my life a little easier. Not easy. But brighter, more hopeful.

The stories we tell ourselves are powerful because they affect how we feel and behave. They determine our identity.

In my younger days, when I was feeling unpopular and inept, I made myself miserable by thinking I should have lots of friends and darn it, people should like me. When I changed my beliefs and assured myself that it was okay to have just a few buddies, I reached out to others whose social skills were on par with mine and connected with the interesting characters I found in books.  And that was enough.

Sometimes the unhelpful story we’ve constructed about ourselves is that we can’t do something or that we need to be full of fear. Those thoughts block our positive energy and deplete our personal power. Pulitzer Prize-winning author Alice Walker said, “The most common way people give up their power is by thinking they don’t have any.”

If we suspect that the narrative we’ve developed is harming, not helping us, we can ask ourselves questions like those recommended by Byron Katie in “The Work”:

Is it true?

Are you absolutely sure it’s true?

We can explore further:

How do I feel and behave when I believe that story?

Who would I be without that story?

When we realize that what society, or others, or our own sad self is saying isn’t the final word, we can summon up our courage, compassion, and creativity. We can reframe a chapter or paragraph in our life in a way that will bring peace and inspiration.

Sometimes the tale we are telling ourselves prevents us from moving on from past injustices. One of my favorite forgiveness stories is that of Holocaust survivor Eva Kor, who has been honored as a “Hero of Forgiveness.” For many years the story she told herself was that of victimhood because she was unjustly hurt by Nazis who conducted horrific medical experiments upon her and her twin sister. Members of her family were murdered. Kor had every reason to hate, but she came to this realization:

Hatred is an infectious disease.

She decided the narrative she believed about herself as a powerless victim was prolonging the trauma of her past. Her new story, one of forgiveness, was self-healing and self-empowering. She called forgiveness miracle medicine and said, “It’s free; it works and has no side effects.”

The story we tell ourselves about our pain determines our degree of suffering. When we tell ourselves that a situation can’t change because another person is to blame or we’re not good enough to do something about it, we become weak. When we ruminate obsessively over a past that inevitably remains the same, we are stubbornly refusing to direct our energy toward creating a better future.

Focusing on fault or regret takes us down a detour of defensiveness or shame. It delays our journey to a destination where burdens are lifted, problems are solved, and relationships are mended. One of my favorite anonymous quotes is, “Fix the problem, not the blame.”

When we’re able to control our harmful thoughts,

they lose their power to control us.

Self-control is a virtue encouraged in the major religions along with the goal of “mindfulness.” Being mindful means creating a distance between our thoughts and our identity, realizing our thoughts are not who we are. They are simply thoughts that appear based on a variety of factors such as our instincts, our past, our fears and desires. We can decide what we want to do with our thoughts and create the next chapter in our courageous, compassionate life story.

I’m a writer and it’s important that I edit my work. I go back to early chapters of a book, or paragraphs of a blog, and modify my words so their meaning becomes clearer and more illuminating. As a human being, I can go back to early chapters of my life and reflect on them with grace and the wisdom that experience brings me. I can use my reflections to create new, improved episodes in my life journey.

Creativity isn’t just about art. It’s about the ability to look at a situation from various perspectives and imagine new ways of being. About having the courage to question assumptions and “certainties” that aren’t really certain. About being determined and persistent as we create a story in which we become a person whom we respect.

Thomas Edison created a story that led him to the creation of the first light bulb. He had many unsuccessful attempts at his goal, but that did not deter him. He said, “I have not failed. I’ve just found 10,000 ways that won’t work.”

We will all have struggles in life. What’s important is that we don’t lose hope. That we take what we learn and create stories that brighten our paths and lead us to light.

photo by Nick Fewings on Unsplash

It’s vitally important to forgive, but we must never forget the truth behind the pain 

Published on by Christy HeacockLeave a comment

How do you forgive someone who has tortured you? Or someone who has murdered your mother and pregnant sister?  In what way do you forgive those who have oppressed and harmed your people, your community?

Do you forgive and forget?

Absolutely not. You remember, but you remember graciously.

Remembering graciously means remembering for the purpose of understanding and extending grace, as well as pursuing justice.  It does not mean condoning or excusing wrongdoing or oppression.

The people I interviewed for my doctoral research on the experience of forgiving injustices like those above told me, “I will never forget.”  One of the participants in my study said, “It’s important to remember with eyes wide open.” No denying, spinning, or avoiding.

Accountability and consequences were very important to the people I interviewed. Vengeance was not. Revenge would mean they were joining with their offenders in causing pain, not progress.

The man I interviewed who was tortured for his political beliefs said to his tormentor, “I will never forget what you’ve done to me because that’s my history. That’s my experience. I will keep it in my mind, so I keep working to stop this from happening to anyone else.” He forgave without forgetting because he knew that remembering would allow him to help create a better world. But he had to remember graciously, or anger and bitterness would harden his heart and prevent him from acting morally.

Our tough experiences have the capacity to teach us essential wisdom. They can provide valuable insights. German philosopher Arthur Schopenhauer said:

To forgive and forget means to throw away dearly bought experience.

Forgiveness has different meanings for different people, but overall, forgiveness is a virtue with the purpose of leading us to better lives. Genuine forgiveness helps us feel at peace and improves our relationships.  Fake forgiveness extends or even deepens hurt. Buried hurts are toxic because they deprive us of our need to grieve, to lament, to process and release our pain.

People who’ve been mistreated may have a hard time with the word forgiveness because they fear abuse and injustice will continue if they forgive. People who are concerned they will be blamed or shamed may have a hard time with the concept of forgiveness because they fear retribution. 

“Just get over it,” sounds so easy when we aren’t the ones who need to get over something that is churning inside us, affecting our health, our relationships, our future.

We see the desire to forgive and forget in conversations about what’s being labeled “critical race theory.” The message seems to be, “Let’s not talk about the parts of our history that are painful. Let’s just feel good about ourselves and forget the past.” But as author William Faulkner said:

The past is never dead, it’s not even past.

We are all a product of our past. It has shaped us. The same is true about communities and nations.

I was leading a conversation class for adults from various countries who were learning the English language, and one woman asked me, “Why are so many of the homeless people in our community Native Americans?” I paused for a moment, realizing that answering that question was complex. Another woman in the class piped in before I could respond, “They’re lazy. If they have arms and legs they should be working.”

Ugh! It’s so easy to judge others harshly and comfort ourselves by thinking they surely deserve whatever misfortune has befallen them. Psychologists call that “just world hypothesis” – or more accurately, “just world fallacy.” We don’t like unfairness, and it feels better to think good things happen to good people, bad things happen to bad people. And if all is fair, there’s no need to alter our personal behavior or our society. Just world fallacy is intoxicating because it comforts us and releases us from any responsibility to change ourselves or a situation that may, in fact, not be just.

 You’ll be relieved to know I didn’t start spouting psychological theories to the class. Instead I replied, “To understand why, you need to know history. Every person, every group, has a story to tell. You will not understand why until you learn their story.”

We talked about the history of Native Americans in our nation and in our community. We talked about historical trauma, prejudice, and differing perspectives. About what a tough time we humans have being compassionate and treating others – all others, no exceptions – with respect.

It takes time to learn history, to listen to people’s stories. It can be difficult because some things are hard to hear. We wish they had never happened.

We like to hear a lovely story of unending progress – what’s sometimes called a “whiggish” interpretation of history. That version of history tells us that if we are satisfied with the present, the past must have been a good thing and needn’t be examined for flaws. It’s nice to feel good about our history, but sometimes we need to hear truths that make us feel bad so we can heal and learn from them.

If a trail of damaged, wounded people has been left behind, whether it’s in a family or in a nation, understanding their history will help create beneficial paths forward. When past wrongdoings are acknowledged, those who have been harmed gain confidence that lessons have been learned from that past, and they gain trust and hope for the future.

Forgiveness and progress flourish when people come together for gracious remembering. The goal is recognizing a painful past, hearing each other’s stories, and reimagining the future. Ishmael Beah, Sierra Leonean author and human rights activist, said:

A lot of people, when they say forgive and forget, think you completely wash your brain out and forget everything. . .What I think is you forgive and you forget so you can transform your experiences, not necessarily forget them, so that they don’t haunt you or handicap you or kill you.

There is nothing easy about facing a painful past, so it’s understandable that we may wish we could simply extinguish agonizing memories, and there is research going on right now with the purpose of physiologically doing just that.  In some cases of post-traumatic stress disorder, that could be a good thing. But erasing a painful past could also turn into a way of making us vulnerable to a tragedy’s repeat performance. We may eliminate an opportunity for greater awareness and transformation.

It takes courage and compassion to remember graciously. But that is the way to create a brighter future.

Photo by Alex Shute on Unsplash

The Gift of Humility: Holiday Stress Reliever

Published on by Christy HeacockLeave a comment

The holiday season can be stressful. I’d love to be able to host a delightful Christmas party, bake delicious cookies, make excellent gift choices, send inspiring cards, decorate like an interior design pro, and create world peace. However, I’m not capable of all of that and if I don’t reduce my expectations to a realistic level the “most wonderful time of the year” will become the most anxiety-ridden time of the year.

Seeing “It’s the most wonderful time of the year” on several festive decorations caused me to look up who wrote the song with that title. I found out it was written by two men – Edward Pola and George Wyle. I can’t confirm this, but I’m guessing they never worried about holiday baking, gifts, decorating, greetings, or event planning.

I wonder if Ed and George were ever concerned about being alone at Christmas or not being invited to holiday parties. For some of us, it’s the loneliest time of the year because it seems everyone has happy families and friends to party with . . . except us. We feel pressured to be happy and that makes us unhappy.

The lyrics of the song read like something out of a Hallmark movie, and I do enjoy Christmas shows now and then throughout the holiday season. I love gazing upon the perfectly decorated homes and neighborhoods in the movies. The characters always have some disagreements and misunderstandings, but I rest assured knowing all will be forgiven by the end of the show. Often an episode ends with a gorgeous couple taking a sleigh ride through something that’s supposed to look like snow, and I feel content knowing they will live happily ever after. But then I switch off the TV. The kind, beautiful people have vanished and it’s just me and my undone to-do list.

 I googled, “What is the most stressful time of the year?”  The holiday season was the overwhelming first choice. A OnePoll survey found that 88% of Americans thought holidays were the most stressful time of the year.

The holiday season comes when daylight hours are at a minimum, temperatures are icy, and spring seems way too far away. At this time of year, we need a holiday very badly to cheer us up, and that won’t happen if we’re too stressed. We need to be enjoying as many Hallmark moments as possible. That’s where humility comes in.

Some dictionaries list “meekness,” “unassertiveness,” and “submissiveness” as synonyms for humility. But spiritual humility is the opposite, because it means the willingness to accept, and the ability to clearly perceive, one’s strengths and weaknesses. It takes some daring to let go of the idea that we need to do all those things we think we should do, and instead discern what we are capable of based on who we genuinely are and what gives us joy. People may not approve.

Think about what you truly love about the holiday season and decide what helps you make the shortest daylight hours of the year more livable. Remember that you’ll be receiving all sorts of ads and messages about what you need for a Merry Christmas and ignore as many as possible.

Maya Angelou advised, “If you’re always trying to be normal you will never know how amazing you can be.” That’s why humility is such a gift. Humility is accepting the ways we can’t meet society’s norms and rejoicing in the ways we can share our own unique gifts and talents. If we spend Christmas preparing treats for our dog and the squirrel that somehow found its way into our home, so be it.

The Japanese have a word, wabi-sabi, that means “finding beauty in imperfection and impermanence.” That isn’t an easy task because we want things to be perfect and may fear criticism and feel ashamed when we are unable to meet standards we believe are vital to belonging and respect. But I’ve found that an imperfect dinner or performance is just as satisfying as a perfect one when the people involved are filled with a joyful, loving spirit.

Humor can also help get us through a less than perfect holiday season. My mother had a plaque that I inherited with a saying that most likely helped her survive and thrive during many a holiday season. It read, “Blessed are we who can laugh at ourselves, for we shall never cease to be amused.”  Human beings are perfectly imperfect if we can be compassionate and take ourselves lightly. Laughter and humility are great companions and are all about the freedom of letting go and enjoying life – and the holiday season – in all its craziness.

There are many enticing holiday activity choices. But if I choose too many of them, it becomes like overeating. Sure, all the food is great, but the more I eat, the less delicious the food becomes. I need to choose what not to eat orI risk ruining what could be a very satisfying meal. During the holidays I need to realize I can only handle so much before I face diminishing returns.

We can choose what we want to worry about, too. Have you ever asked or been asked, “Are you ready for Christmas?”  When I’m asked that question, I answer, “I’m enjoying the beautiful lights and decorations as well as the music.” I want to delight in the holiday season, not prepare for a single day’s event.

I want to have the humility needed to be comfortable with the limitations of what I can cheerfully accomplish in the darkest weeks of the year. And I also want to do my part to spread light and warmth during a time that can seem bleak and cold. If I’m stressed and worried about being ready for Christmas and whether or not my Christmas will measure up to that of others, I may find myself on Santa’s naughty list with my inner Scrooge annoying those around me.

Humility truly is a gift to enjoy. The holiday season will very likely not go as planned and that’s just fine. Humility means letting go of expectations and opening up to the unexpected – to the mysteries and the magnificence of a holy time devoted to love and what’s beautiful about being human.

The most wonderful time of the year is whenever we can share our blessings generously, and gratefully rejoice in whatever kindnesses we are fortunate enough to receive.

Photo by Karsten Winegeart on Unsplash