Category: self-help

Must We Walk This Lonesome Valley By Ourselves?

Published on by Christy Heacock1 Comment

After the congregation finished singing the hymn “Jesus Walked This Lonesome Valley,” the pastor at the Methodist church I was visiting in Washington, DC, said, “That’s an awful song. It’s terrible. I should have looked more carefully at the music. I’m sorry!” The congregation burst into laughter.  The pastor’s distress was real, but how often do you hear a minister dissing a song from the hymnal?

 “Jesus Walked This Lonesome Valley” is an American folk song often heard at Lent, the time of year when Christians remember events leading to and including the death of Jesus Christ. The first verse of the song focuses on Jesus walking alone, presumably to the cross. But the next two verses are all about us:

We must walk this lonesome valley,

We have to walk it by ourselves.

Oh, nobody else can walk it for us.

We have to walk it by ourselves.

You must go and stand your trial,

You have to stand it by yourself.

Nobody else, can stand it for you.

You have to stand it by yourself.

I remember my grandmother singing that song. She’d lived through the Depression, WWI and WWII, health problems, money woes, and other hardships. The song brought her comfort and when I researched it, I found the song often touched people who were suffering and needed the courage to persevere. So why was the pastor upset?

Well, because she’d just preached a lovely sermon assuring us that God was always with us. That we did not walk alone because the Holy Spirit was within us. She also assured her congregation of the church’s support for them when they faced trials and tribulations. In other words, she’d been telling us we do not walk alone. And then what happens? We sing a song telling us we have to walk alone.

So what should we think? Do we need to be rugged individualists walking unaided, or supported believers in a God that provides unconditional love?

As with all words, the meaning is in people – not the words themselves. Words are interpreted by the listener, reader, or singer who then assigns them meaning.

I did a Google search and found that lonesome valley songs often had their roots in rural Appalachia or in African American spirituals and had varied lyrics. For example, “Jesus Walked This Lonesome Valley” does not appear in African American hymnals but the song, “I Want Jesus to Walk With Me” does. Other versions focus totally on Jesus and don’t demand we humans navigate this lonesome valley by ourselves.

I believe in the importance of support and guidance on our life journey. My doctoral forgiveness study led me to the theme of empowerment through connections, courage, compassion, and creativity. The people I interviewed described connections that helped them traverse their path to forgiveness. They had a Higher Power, religious communities, family, friends, therapists, or mentors that walked this lonesome valley with them.

But forming those connections required courage. They had to become vulnerable and ask for guidance. Sometimes they were walking their lonesome valley alone as they searched for understanding and support. What was important was that they kept walking, even if they felt alone for a while. They had faith and hope that kept them following the way of love and compassion.

I find faith to be most difficult when I’m worried about the future and feel helpless and confused. I don’t know what’s lurking in the valley and I’m not sure where my walk will lead me. Courage is needed to accept whatever the valley holds for me while trusting my path will help me grow and evolve.

Humility – meaning the ability to clearly perceive, and the willingness to accept, one’s strengths and weaknesses – is a welcome companion when I’m traveling rough roads. It provides me with freedom from believing I must know everything or do everything on my own. It advises me to accept myself and the world as it is and give up expectations and desires that are both futile and making me miserable.  

Spiritually, humility means recognizing there is a power greater than ourselves whom we can trust to love and guide us. It’s often hard to let go of my ego’s need for perfection or control, but when I can humble myself and surrender to love and a higher power, my burden becomes lighter and my joy greater.

I think my grandmother found comfort in singing about this lonesome valley because when times were tough it helped her face sorrow. Grief hurts, but it’s necessary to work through it – not deny it – and music can be a wonderful solace.

Additionally, the first verse told her that Jesus had to walk this lonesome valley alone. I think it helped her to know Jesus also suffered as he faced a tough journey to the cross where he died.

Grandma had a faith that inspired me. She walked this lonesome valley courageously and she was a role model for me. When I’m walking my own lonesome valleys, I often feel Grandma beside me as well as the kind, merciful God Grandma taught me about. Our valleys aren’t as deep when we open our hearts and let love in.

When I hear “Jesus Walked This Lonesome Valley” in the future, I’ll think of Grandma, and also of the pastor who assured her congregation we do not have to walk alone. We just need the courage to reach out, believe, and keep walking.

Who Are You Allergic To?

Published on by Christy HeacockLeave a comment

“If you take sulfa again, you will die.” That was the prognosis after the sulfa prescribed for my infection caused me to become ill and break out in hives that stretched from my head to the bottom of my feet.  It was my introduction into the dangers of allergies.

Allergies occur when our immune system identifies a certain substance as harmful, even though it isn’t. Apparently, the decision-making cells in my immune system mistakenly decided the foreigner sulfa was dangerous, so warrior cells were ordered to attack. Unfortunately, sending the troops into battle caused more harm than good. Nevertheless, in the future, my immune system will stubbornly continue to believe sulfa is a dangerous enemy. That fear, not the sulfa itself, will be what could kill me.   

It amazes me that our immune system has the same problem with fear that our brain does. When we overreact to perceived danger, we cause ourselves needless stress resulting in a variety of negative consequences: high blood pressure, anxiety disorders, insomnia, paranoia, damaged relationships – and on a broader scale – terrorism and war.

Perhaps it should come as no surprise that fear and overreaction are common themes affecting both our immune system and our limbic system (the part of the brain involved in our behavioral and emotional responses). After all, a significant challenge in life is assessing risks and creating balanced responses. Antibodies protect us against bacteria, viruses, and infections, but our immune system finds it hard to identify a real threat and react appropriately every time. Our limbic system also suffers from imperfection. It’s designed to protect us from danger, but we don’t always assess a situation accurately. Overreacting shuts down rational, higher-order thinking.

To complicate things further, overreacting to fear creates unhealthy responses that fuel more fears. Admitting we incorrectly responded may hurt our pride and make us fear vulnerability, so we cling to our “allergies.” What a vicious cycle it can be!

Taking control of our worries isn’t easy because one of our primary concerns is, naturally, our safety and survival. We develop “allergies” to each other because we fear being hurt and losing power, control, or resources. Unfortunately, those allergies will end up harming us if we don’t mount a rational counteroffensive.

Fear can lie to us. We need to have a conversation with our fears because they will demand to be heard and acknowledging them can be an insightful experience. But we don’t want them to scream at us and manipulate us into doing something stupid. And we don’t want them to keep us from learning and growing wiser. Seeking a compassionate, balanced discussion with our fears prevents them from moving in and creating allergies.

For example, it seems there are a plethora of politicians and media outlets that want me to fear immigrants and people from foreign countries. If I had let those voices create “allergies” within me, I would have missed out on tutoring English language learners from various countries and I wouldn’t have ventured to Kenya, Palestine, Nicaragua, Lithuania, and Peru on mission trips. My fears may have kept me safe, but they wouldn’t have opened my mind and heart to illuminating new understandings.

Being brave and courageous is a formidable task – at least it is for me – but I don’t want fear to steal my happiness or my integrity. I don’t want to develop the equivalent of an autoimmune disease.

Autoimmune diseases occur when our immune cells attack our own body by mistake. When I become hateful, jealous, greedy, dishonest (or any other adjective indicating a breakdown in my morals), I am attacking my own character. I need to keep my spiritual self healthy so I can fight off transgressions that tempt me because I’m afraid. Gandhi said, “The enemy is fear. We think it is hate; but, it is fear.”

The virtue of forgiveness is impossible to genuinely pursue when we are fearful. We can’t let go of a painful event if we are frightened that it will occur in the future. If I’m hurt by someone and don’t know how to prevent that pain going forward, I will hold onto it until I understand it and can figure out how to reduce it. If I don’t trust myself, I need to determine how to regain self-respect, so I don’t keep torturing myself with shame and regret.   

Actress Betty White said, “You don’t luck into integrity. You work at it.” We have to work at virtues, just like we work at a healthy diet or skill building. The potential is there, but we fool ourselves if we believe integrity develops without effort and a generous dose of humility.

We use our rational brain to fight fear and hate, but we’re also going to need love – love for all humankind, including ourselves. The Roman poet Virgil, around 37 BCE wrote in “Eclogues” that, “Love conquers all; let us surrender to love.” The Bible, 1 John 4:18, counsels us that, “Perfect love casts out fear.” Contemporary author Lorin Morgan-Richards wrote, “Love conquers the temporary hold of fear and hate. Inhumanity is a loop without it.” Throughout the ages, we’ve been advised to love one another, not fear one another.

A love for humankind, also known as agape love, is what unites and heals us. But human history testifies to how difficult it is to embrace. It requires compassion, which I think of as empathy with action. We not only strive to take the perspective and feel the emotions of another, we desire to let that understanding guide us.

When I’m fearful, I’m imprisoned in my own ego because I erect a wall that keeps out compassion. Shifting my perspective allows me to conquer my fear. For example, I was angry with someone recently because, in my mind, they were being arrogant and disrespectful to me. Whether they were or were not wasn’t the issue in my response. I reminded myself their behavior was a reflection on them, not me. Then I chose to be compassionate and consider what they were fearing – what their struggle was – and planned my response accordingly. The outcome was far better than had I given in to the allergy I was forming.

My fear sometimes stems from a lack of compassion for myself. I worry I will say or do something wrong. If I remind myself that it’s okay to say or do something that doesn’t meet expectations, I can relax, show myself self-love, and prevent my fears from harming me.

Autoimmune diseases are caused by a combination of genetics and environment. The same is true about our behaviors. Genetics provides us with a system that allows us to protect and defend ourselves and we can be grateful for that. But we can be especially thankful that we have it in our power to control our fears.

As Winston Churchill said, “Fear is a reaction. Courage is a decision.”

Photo by Cristi Ursea on Unsplash

Creating a Brighter Story for Ourselves

Published on by Christy HeacockLeave a comment

Creativity is the greatest expression of liberty.

~Bryant H. McGill

I still remember the moment when I realized I didn’t have to believe everything I was telling myself. Yes, I had a story, but I didn’t have to stick to it. Not if it was causing me unnecessary pain, keeping me from moving forward, preventing me from opening my eyes to a new and improved perspective on life.

It was a joyous, liberating feeling. I could create a new story that would benefit me and clear away some of the clouds that had obscured the light I needed to transform a painful situation. I acquired an amazing skill that made my life a little easier. Not easy. But brighter, more hopeful.

The stories we tell ourselves are powerful because they affect how we feel and behave. They determine our identity.

In my younger days, when I was feeling unpopular and inept, I made myself miserable by thinking I should have lots of friends and darn it, people should like me. When I changed my beliefs and assured myself that it was okay to have just a few buddies, I reached out to others whose social skills were on par with mine and connected with the interesting characters I found in books.  And that was enough.

Sometimes the unhelpful story we’ve constructed about ourselves is that we can’t do something or that we need to be full of fear. Those thoughts block our positive energy and deplete our personal power. Pulitzer Prize-winning author Alice Walker said, “The most common way people give up their power is by thinking they don’t have any.”

If we suspect that the narrative we’ve developed is harming, not helping us, we can ask ourselves questions like those recommended by Byron Katie in “The Work”:

Is it true?

Are you absolutely sure it’s true?

We can explore further:

How do I feel and behave when I believe that story?

Who would I be without that story?

When we realize that what society, or others, or our own sad self is saying isn’t the final word, we can summon up our courage, compassion, and creativity. We can reframe a chapter or paragraph in our life in a way that will bring peace and inspiration.

Sometimes the tale we are telling ourselves prevents us from moving on from past injustices. One of my favorite forgiveness stories is that of Holocaust survivor Eva Kor, who has been honored as a “Hero of Forgiveness.” For many years the story she told herself was that of victimhood because she was unjustly hurt by Nazis who conducted horrific medical experiments upon her and her twin sister. Members of her family were murdered. Kor had every reason to hate, but she came to this realization:

Hatred is an infectious disease.

She decided the narrative she believed about herself as a powerless victim was prolonging the trauma of her past. Her new story, one of forgiveness, was self-healing and self-empowering. She called forgiveness miracle medicine and said, “It’s free; it works and has no side effects.”

The story we tell ourselves about our pain determines our degree of suffering. When we tell ourselves that a situation can’t change because another person is to blame or we’re not good enough to do something about it, we become weak. When we ruminate obsessively over a past that inevitably remains the same, we are stubbornly refusing to direct our energy toward creating a better future.

Focusing on fault or regret takes us down a detour of defensiveness or shame. It delays our journey to a destination where burdens are lifted, problems are solved, and relationships are mended. One of my favorite anonymous quotes is, “Fix the problem, not the blame.”

When we’re able to control our harmful thoughts,

they lose their power to control us.

Self-control is a virtue encouraged in the major religions along with the goal of “mindfulness.” Being mindful means creating a distance between our thoughts and our identity, realizing our thoughts are not who we are. They are simply thoughts that appear based on a variety of factors such as our instincts, our past, our fears and desires. We can decide what we want to do with our thoughts and create the next chapter in our courageous, compassionate life story.

I’m a writer and it’s important that I edit my work. I go back to early chapters of a book, or paragraphs of a blog, and modify my words so their meaning becomes clearer and more illuminating. As a human being, I can go back to early chapters of my life and reflect on them with grace and the wisdom that experience brings me. I can use my reflections to create new, improved episodes in my life journey.

Creativity isn’t just about art. It’s about the ability to look at a situation from various perspectives and imagine new ways of being. About having the courage to question assumptions and “certainties” that aren’t really certain. About being determined and persistent as we create a story in which we become a person whom we respect.

Thomas Edison created a story that led him to the creation of the first light bulb. He had many unsuccessful attempts at his goal, but that did not deter him. He said, “I have not failed. I’ve just found 10,000 ways that won’t work.”

We will all have struggles in life. What’s important is that we don’t lose hope. That we take what we learn and create stories that brighten our paths and lead us to light.

photo by Nick Fewings on Unsplash