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Self-Forgiveness Opens the Door to Forgiving Others

Published on by Christy HeacockLeave a comment

Never be defined by your past. It was just a lesson, not a life sentence.

~Tiny Buddha

Forgiving is for giving. Self-forgiveness can be a life-changing gift we give ourselves that opens the door to forgiving others. If we haven’t experienced compassion and grace ourselves, how can we share it with others?

Forgiving ourselves is hard, and that’s a good thing. We need to feel remorse when we’ve caused pain or injustice. We don’t want to function like sociopaths who have no anxiety or guilt when they harm others. But we need to take on the difficult task of forgiving ourselves so we don’t hide in shame, or even worse, deny our wrongdoing and blame others for our offensive behavior or mistakes.

If we can’t forgive ourselves, we generally journey down one of two destructive paths. I call them The Dead-End Road of Shame and The Abusive Highway of Blame.

Following the Dead-End Road of Shame is different than admitting guilt. Guilt is a motivator that drives us to understand our behavior and decide to do better. Learning from our missteps is productive and allows us to grow and evolve.

Shame, however, means believing we are “bad” and unworthy of forgiveness. We believe our past mistakes and transgressions are fatal and use them as a reason to give up, become stagnant, and isolate ourselves. Shame hurts our relationships. It prevents us from sharing the joy of unconditional grace and the peace that comes with accepting our limitations.

The Abusive Highway of Blame is traveled when we don’t have the courage to own our mistakes and bad behavior. If we fear judgment or punishment because of something we’ve done, finding a way out of our mess that doesn’t involve taking responsibility and admitting wrongdoing may define our journey.   Blaming others is an attempt to stay out of trouble. However, it keeps us from forgiving others because that would mean we have to quit blaming them and become accountable for our actions.

A manipulative tactic sometimes used on the Abusive Highway is what Professor Jennifer Freyd calls DARVO: Deny, Attack, and Reverse Victim and Offender. If we’d rather be right than truthful and are afraid to acknowledge what we’ve done, we may deny, attack, and step into the sinister scenario of accusing those we’ve hurt of being the “real” offenders. We may claim those we’ve offended deserve our abuse or are falsely accusing us of wrongdoing. This strategy is especially harmful when DARVO warriors are attacking vulnerable people who lack the confidence to stand up for themselves.

When DARVO is used politically, it may lead to competitive victimhood. “You started it.” “No, you did.” “It’s your fault.” “No, it’s your fault.” Each side attacks the other self-righteously and protectively. Refusing to listen. Refusing to admit any wrongdoing or mistakes. Refusing to cooperate and collaborate.

Our life journey becomes more joyful and kind when we reject the Dead-End Road of Shame and the Abusive Highway of Blame and choose instead to follow the Path of Forgiveness. We replace shame and blame with courage and compassion and create a new story in which we move forward with honesty and integrity. We reclaim our dignity.

The foundation of forgiveness is acceptance of the messiness of the human condition. Forgiveness is built on the knowledge that we normal, imperfect humans must learn through struggle and errors.

Bad behavior doesn’t mean we’re bad people. We can learn and grow by understanding why our actions failed or were hurtful. We can figure out how to do better in the future. Only when we know better will we be able to do better.  

The ability to forgive ourselves for our human deficiencies frees us from an overemphasis on perfection and allows us to enjoy discovery and innovation. Jonathan Biss, concert pianist, wrote an opinion piece for the NY Times lamenting that classical musicians are trained to prevent mistakes, but they aren’t trained to talk to God. He explained, “You cannot learn or grow while trying to appear as if you have everything figured out. You cannot talk to God by trying to avoid doing something wrong.”

In other words, if we’re afraid to listen to our inner, spiritual voice because we fear messing up, we will miss out on magical moments and creative breakthroughs. Unrealistic expectations and a quest for perfection may imprison us and block the excitement and curiosity that naturally occur when we’re embracing the pleasures of learning and finding joy in the mysteries of life. 

Beatrice Wood, American artist and studio potter, said “My life is full of mistakes. They’re like pebbles that make a good road.” Pebbles are the aggregate that makes roads resilient. Mistakes can do the same for us.

The roads we follow are unique. Sometimes pebbles feel more like boulders that are impossible to move. All our journeys contain regrets, grief, and sadness. We struggle with darkness, but the good news is we can replace it with light and build something new. That’s what the forgiveness process is all about.

Self-forgiveness is not about pardoning ourselves or anyone else for wrongdoing, and it’s not about forgetting what happened. It’s the opposite. It’s about accepting imperfection, stepping on our pride, and taking responsibility for our feelings and actions. It’s about dropping facades and opening our hearts to love fully. It’s about resilience, because we’re not afraid to try new things, reach out to others, and evolve.

The path of forgiveness leads to transformation and becoming our genuine selves. When we do that, we have nothing to hide and no one to blame.

Give yourself the gift of forgiveness. And be sure to pass on the joy and peace it brings you to others.

Photo by Harli Marten on Unsplash

Is Revenge Addiction a Public Health Crisis?

Published on by Christy HeacockLeave a comment

Last time I went to a movie theater I was appalled and alarmed when preview after preview was filled with anger and violence. So much of our entertainment, as well as our politics, centers around vengeance.

I’m a proponent of forgiveness and just mercy as a much wiser way to deal with offensive behavior than revenge, but hadn’t thought about our culture’s desire for vengeance as a public health crisis until I listened to James Kimmel, Jr. –  lawyer and lecturer in psychiatry at the Yale School of Medicine – talk about his book, The Science of Revenge, on Neil DeGrasse Tyson’s podcast, Star Talk. Kimmel contends many of us are addicted to revenge and it’s creating a violent, unstable nation and world.

Kimmel notes that our culture too often glorifies retribution. Action films are often revenge films that equate avengers with justice seekers. But is revenge just?

I looked up synonyms for revenge. My search did NOT display “justice,” but did list terms such as spite, venom, bitterness, and hatred. So why are we exalting it? Neuroscientists tell us we receive a hit of the addictive and pleasurable chemical dopamine when we retaliate and feel avenged for a real or perceived wrong.  I admit, as a human, that revenge is fleetingly pleasurable. That pleasure, Kimmel explains, is why we can become addicted to it.

Getting even can be cruelly satisfying, even if our vengeance is misplaced. We may kick the dog, abuse a family member, bomb another country in our quest to satisfy our revenge addiction and experience that delightful hit of dopamine.

The desire for revenge is part of our biological survival toolkit. Fighting threats to our existence and protecting our group are natural instincts. Consequences for breaking social norms are adaptive. But revenge is simply reacting viciously when we are hurt, feel threatened, or are fearful. Upshifting our thinking to our prefrontal cortex and reflecting on the best way to ensure our survival and solve our problems is a wiser strategy.

Humiliation can lead to compulsive revenge seeking. When our dignity is threatened, our identity disrespected, we experience both mental and physical pain. Grievances hurt. We may turn to revenge which, like alcohol, gambling, pornography, etc., can bring relief for a short time. The temporary enjoyment revenge brings takes away whatever pain we’re trying to escape from.

It’s so human to feel satisfaction when someone who’s hurt us receives what we believe is their deserved punishment. An eye for an eye seems just, even if it does make the whole world blind.

In the short term, we may be obsessed with our dopamine hit and ignore the brutal long-term consequences of vengeance. We may reassure ourselves those people we’ve labeled bad will surely learn their lesson if severely punished and the world will be safer for us good people. It’s more likely, however, that those people will also feel humiliated and want retribution. The cycle of violence will continue until someone has the courage and wisdom to put a stop to it.

We fuel our addictions by telling ourselves stories that justify our behavior. With a revenge addiction, we may contend we’re victims and revenge will change that. And it does. We become avengers who create victims and compete in a game of competitive victimhood. Each side claims they have the right and justification to hurt the other. Victimhood turns us into villains.

What gives me hope, but also dismays me, is how easy it is to see those revenge synonyms – spite, venom, bitterness, hatred – in others but not recognize them in ourselves. Hope because that means we’re aware of the evil in revenge. Dismay because it’s so easy to project our own failings onto others.

Anna Freud, Sigmund’s daughter, was a psychologist who wrote about defense mechanisms. Projection (being one of them) is when we attribute our own undesirable thoughts and feelings to others to avoid confronting and owning them ourselves. For example, we may feel it is unacceptable to hate someone, so instead of examining our feelings, we simply project our negative emotions unto others and say, “They are the ones being hateful.  Not me.”  

So what do we do about our tendency to turn to anger and revenge when we feel fearful, humiliated, out of control?

Kimmel says forgiveness is the way to free ourselves of a revenge addiction. Doing so will help rid us of a disastrous public health problem.

Have you heard the phrase, “work smarter, not harder?” That phrase isn’t very useful when it comes to forgiveness because forgiveness may take hard work. However, if we change that advice to “work smarter AND harder” it will help us overcome our revenge addiction.

Why work smarter? Because combining justice with mercy and compassion is a much better solution than revenge if our goal is a kinder, safer world. Why work harder? Because it takes effort to shut down our revenge cravings and activate our self-control circuitry. Evil arises from the human condition itself that, unless tamed, compels us to simply hurt those who we believe have hurt us or could hurt us.

We can choose to follow the advice of the prophet Micah who was asked the question, “What does God require of us?” He advised us to act justly, love mercy, and walk humbly with our God. If we strive for justice at the same time as we love mercy and are humble, we can break the cycle of vengeance and experience the joy that emanates from kindness and compassion. Dopamine, oxytocin, and serotonin are neurochemicals that make us feel good and are released when we experience and perform acts of kindness.

Choosing forgiveness over revenge means accepting there is injustice in the world but it does NOT mean excusing or condoning it – in others or in ourselves. It means working for justice with empathy and humility.

Forgiveness promotes healing and empowers our moral and emotional development. It’s about transformation and will help us create a world in which we care about each other more than fear each other. We can follow the biblical teaching to love our neighbors as ourselves without restricting access to our neighborhood.

Kimmel calls revenge the world’s deadliest addiction. Our current obsession with violence as entertainment and using blame as a way to solve problems will simply crush our spirits, damage our souls, and harm our communities. It’s a public health crisis that will require resources and education so we adopt healthy, ethical ways to deal with conflict and threats to our dignity.

There’s hope. We each have the power to be kind, generous, compassionate, and forgiving. We can create a peaceful, joyful world if we’re willing to overcome our addiction to revenge. As Gandhi famously said, “Be the change you want to see in the world.”

Why Boundaries Help Us Forgive

Published on by Christy HeacockLeave a comment

When we fail to set boundaries and hold people accountable, we feel used and mistreated. This is why we sometimes attack who they are, which is far more hurtful than addressing a behavior or a choice.”

~ Brene Brown, The Gift of Imperfection

A therapist told a friend of mine that some things are unforgiveable. She listed three abusive actions taken by my friend’s spouse that she should not forgive. I agreed that the actions in question were cruel and should certainly not be excused, overlooked, or condoned. The behaviors were hurtful and confirmation that her spouse could not be trusted. However . . .

Forgiveness is for people – not bad behavior.

People who are ignorant, stressed out, broken, struggling, hurting (words that describe all of us at some time or another) need forgiveness. We won’t move past bitterness and regrets until we learn how to forgive ourselves and others for the bad behaviors that come with being human. Forgiveness is about personal and spiritual growth.

We humans have the potential to become kinder and wiser, more respectful and understanding. However, during the process of becoming, we may be very irritating, disrespectful, unfair, cruel, and downright despicable. That’s why boundaries are so important.

Bad behavior needs to be confronted and how we do it is crucial. Setting boundaries doesn’t mean punishing people or telling them off; it means establishing consequences for hurtful actions. For example, I was caretaker for my father when, in his 90s, he needed assistance. My dad had many great qualities, but they didn’t include being calm and patient. He had trouble containing his anger and the aging process hadn’t helped. I didn’t want to feel like a victim – bitter and resentful – so I set boundaries.

I did what I needed to do to feel good about the care I was providing, even if my father didn’t agree with my decisions. If Dad became angry, I kept calm and didn’t chastise him. I simply left, but came back later when he’d had a chance to calm down.

Boundaries aren’t about what you do to someone. They’re about what you do for yourself. The boundaries I set with my father allowed me to be forgiving because I took away his power to hurt me. I didn’t feel like a victim because I’d taken responsibility for my choices.

Those who get angry when you set a boundary are the ones you need to set boundaries for.

~ J.S. Wolfe, The Pathology of Innocence

Setting boundaries takes courage. We likely will make someone mad, even though boundaries are good for all concerned.  Allowing unethical or abusive behavior to continue doesn’t help either party. It just reinforces bad behavior and allows it to continue. 

My friend won’t be able to forgive her spouse until she’s determined how to set boundaries that will protect her from getting hurt. She may need to end the relationship altogether. Forgiving someone doesn’t mean you have to reconcile. It’s important to be safe and have healthy relationships.

Perhaps one did not want to be loved so much as to be understood.

~George Orwell, 1984

George Orwell reminds us that if someone says they love us, but continually do things that hurt us, they don’t understand us. We rightly question love that doesn’t make an effort to care for us in a way that makes us feel valued and secure.

The forgiveness process helps us work through our fear and hurt. We experience growth as we learn more about ourselves and what we need for a life that provides us with dignity and supportive relationships.

Have you ever erupted in anger at someone? Was that someone not the cause of your anger but instead someone you felt secure around or who just happened to be in the wrong place at the wrong time? If we’re not courageous enough to confront the object of our hurt (perhaps they hold power over us, or perhaps we’re really mad at ourselves) we may displace our anger on those we believe will tolerate our bad behavior.

If we haven’t been honest with ourselves about the cause of our pain, the hurt we’re feeling builds up. The volcano inside us is in danger of exploding any minute. If we lock our emotions inside, they will devour us and cause physical health problems. Boundaries set in a compassionate, caring, firm manner help us avoid disaster.

Establishing guidelines and limits helps us with difficult conversations. Human beings will always have different perspectives and points of view and it’s important that we listen and understand each other. However, when people get insulting or threatening, communication breaks down and relationships collapse.

We can establish boundaries by agreeing to take turns listening. If emotions get out of hand, time outs can be taken. Openness to growth and desiring stronger relationships are keys to effective communication.

Setting boundaries requires us to look honestly at the role we’ve played in a painful situation.  Some of my hardest forgiveness work is in gaining the humility to admit I could have handled a situation better; that I’m part of the problem. Being able to acknowledge “I should have spoken up” or “I shouldn’t have done that” is what leads to growth.

Sometimes we become comfortable with our discomfort and lean into the definition of insanity credited to Albert Einstein: doing the same thing over and over again, expecting a different result.  That’s when a new story is needed. One that looks at our situation from a different point of view and creates a new and improved chapter in our life journey.

Have the courage to address bad behavior while remembering we all need to forgive and be forgiven. We’re learning and need help on our individual paths.

Healthy boundaries ease fears and establish trust. They set us on the path to genuine forgiveness.

photo by Suki Lee

Forgiving Is For Giving

Published on by Christy HeacockLeave a comment

We forgive so we can become transformed – more peaceful and joyful, less fearful and angry. When we are buried in shame or full of bitterness, our pain ends up hurting those we love and those who love us. Forgiving people open their hearts, shine a light for others, love freely, and give generously.

~~~

If you are interested in forgiveness coaching or joining a forgiveness conversations group, please message me. Being human is hard, but learning to forgive makes it easier.

Why Can’t We All Just Get Along?

Published on by Christy HeacockLeave a comment

I’ve taught a variety of math and psychology courses to high school and college students over the years. Some people have been impressed that I teach math but unimpressed that I teach what they consider the trivial, common-sense subject of psychology. However, we humans have figured out the math necessary for space travel, but still haven’t discovered how to live in peace. We’ve developed complex weapons of mass destruction but remain baffled as to how to keep from using them. So I wonder, which is more difficult, more important: math or psychology?

Psychology is the scientific study of our mental states and processes as well as our behaviors. We’re affected by both our biology and our environment. In order to create an environment where we can all get along, we need to understand our neurobiology. We are less likely to be tricked or manipulated when we are aware of how our minds work. Without awareness, we may become captive to instincts and subconscious processes that may or may not be useful to us.

I’ve selected four human characteristics that affect our ability to get along, starting with what psychologists like to call our reptilian brain, the home of our survival instincts.

Survival Instincts

Our reptilian brain contains our limbic system. It’s good at reacting quickly and spotting danger – real or imaginary. It’s essential to our safety, but it also gets us in lots of trouble when we aren’t in control of it. We should never make it our CEO (chief executive officer). When it comes to decision making, our cerebral cortex, which contains our frontal lobe and executive functions, is far better able to help us reach rational decisions. When anxiety or fear is getting the best of us, we can find ways to calm ourselves and upshift our thinking to areas of the brain equipped for productive problem solving.

The Binary Instinct – Us Versus Them Thinking

Complex, deep thinking takes time and perseverance. It’s easier to put things in two distinct categories (black and white – no gray, please) and decide between them. So when it comes to issues, we are propelled by our genetics to either win or lose, be right or wrong. For example. . . Immigrants are good or bad. My political party is good, the other one is bad.  The people who hurt me are all bad, and I refuse to see any good in them. I’m too busy, perhaps too angry as well, to think any further. Quit bothering me with specifics or facts that go against what I believe is correct.

Mirror Neurons – Observational Learning

We are copycats. This often works very well for us, which is why it’s part of our biological heritage. As children, we automatically learn by watching our parents and those around us. But as a parent, I sometimes resemble the remark, “If I can’t be a good example, at least I can be a horrible warning.” The world is full of poor role models. This, however, does not stop us from copying them. You insult me, I insult you back. You hurt me, I hurt you or whoever else happens to be handy. Abused or oppressed people sometimes end up doing unto others the same immoral act as was done unto them, never thinking about how crazy it is to be mimicking bad behavior.

Need to Belong – Submission to Authority

The greatest crimes in the world are not committed by people breaking the rules but by people following the rules. It’s people who follow orders that drop bombs and massacre villages.
― Banksy, Wall and Piece

We need each other. That can be a good thing. Or, as Banksy points out, it can be catastrophic. We follow authority so we can remain part of a group, so we can belong. It feels virtuous to know we’re one of the “good” people who follow our righteous leaders on what we’re convinced is the correct moral pathway. We are led to believe there are exceptions to the Golden Rule; limits to values like forgiveness, compassion, and generosity. And so, we’re willing to kill and harm people we don’t know. People who are sons, daughters, mothers, fathers. Why? Because we’re told it’s the right thing to do and we want to do the right thing.

The disappearance of a sense of responsibility is the most far-reaching consequence of submission to authority.
― Stanley Milgram, Psychologist

Stanley Milgram researched obedience. You can read about his work here. He found that kind, caring people could do awful, mean things if ordered to do so by an authority figure they trust. We need to belong because we aren’t equipped to survive on our own. But if we want a peaceful world, a happy home, we will need to examine the directives we are given from authority sources and determine whether they truly match our values. We need to be careful who we follow.

How Can We All Just Get Along?

It’s the economy, stupid! Make War and Violence Less Profitable

Dwight D. Eisenhower, WWII general and former president of the United States, warned us about the military-industrial complex. Armament manufacturing and military bases play a huge part in our economy. If we were conducting our battles with dialogue and negotiations instead of guns, bombs, drones, etc., powerful people would fear for their bank accounts. The people making money on violence generally aren’t the ones suffering from PTSD, service-connected diseases or injuries, destruction of their homes and communities, loss of loved ones.

We obviously need a military and Eisenhower wasn’t talking about doing away with the defense industry. He was warning us of the need to be vigilant in monitoring the military-industrial complex because he recognized it was vulnerable to the abuse of power.

Dramatize More Stories of Peace, Justice, and Reconciliation

Violent conflict resolution is profitable, plus dramatic and exciting. Brutal movies sell and appeal to our reptilian brain. War stories involving bravery and victory are inspirational. But if we really want to all get along, how about more moving, inspiring stories of courageous people who have achieved peace and justice through dialogue and finding common ground? Stories in which people have had the courage to humanize their “enemies” and solve problems nonviolently.

Fix the Problem, Not the Blame

Blaming and shaming don’t lead to innovative solutions because they’re reactions, not answers. We’re mad because things didn’t go our way, so we get wrapped up in our egos, take offense, and end up off course, somewhere in the weeds. One way to avoid this is by adopting what’s been called the Chatham House rule. The goal is to focus on the issue only, not individual personalities or labels. When you speak your opinion, your identity is protected (names are not connected to ideas), so you don’t have to worry about being attacked and you don’t have to compete for a win. You work to resolve an issue productively and remind yourself, “It’s not all about me.”

Teach the Benefits of Dialogue versus Debate

Dialogue is a cooperative process with the goal of exchanging information and building a collective perspective. Debate is competitive and is often more concerned about winning than truth. Dialogue considers the dignity of all and involves civil discourse; debate often belittles the other person.

Civil discourse means constructive dialogue and that is much tougher than uncivil discourse, in which we give our reptilian brain free reign. Civil discourse means listening to different perspectives, respecting others, taming our fearful instincts, and putting time and effort into genuine understanding. We attack issues, not people. Tackle problems, not our neighbors. We’re more curious than judgmental; more compassionate than vengeful.

Math is important, but understanding psychology is essential to our survival. It teaches us how we can all just get along.

Photo credit to Viktor Aheiei

Humility Is a Superpower

Published on by Christy HeacockLeave a comment

We come nearest to the great when we are great in humility.

~ Rabindranath Tagore (Bengali writer awarded a Nobel prize in literature)

“You don’t understand. Arabs aren’t like us. Their mothers don’t care for their children like ours do. Their leaders don’t protect them like ours do.” I was on a plane returning to the USA from a United Methodist Mission trip to Israel and the Palestinian West Bank. My seat happened to be in the middle of two Jewish Israeli citizens and I listened to the two men describe their fears and beliefs about Palestinian Arabs.

I’d had the opportunity to visit with a variety of people on my trip. People who identified as Jewish, Christian, and Muslim; Israeli and Palestinian Arabs. Our conversations centered around peace and justice, and I think they all had mothers who loved them dearly. I didn’t talk to members of Hamas. If I had, I would likely have heard remarks about Israelis similar to the ones I heard from my seatmates about Arabs.

I shared with my new Israeli companions that I’d met many wonderful people of different faiths and ethnicities during my travels. They weren’t impressed. “Of course, there’s a few good ones,” one responded, and the other nodded agreement.

I understood the men’s fear. Antisemitism has been and continues to be a real threat to peace and safety. But so is anti-Arab sentiment, anti-Muslim, anti-Palestinian, anti-Christian, and the list goes on and on. Our instincts tell us it’s “us against them.” But all the military might – the weapons, bombs, and drones that allow us to kill people we don’t know but somehow still hate – won’t bring real peace or safety. Wars create bitterness. Violence and oppression produce rage and terrorism.

I told my airline seatmates that I studied and taught about the wisdom (not the politics) of the world’s major religions and felt there was beauty and much for us imperfect humans to learn in all of them. They were skeptical. I get it. We humans are programmed to be fearful. We defend ourselves against people who we believe don’t think or act like we do. That’s what helps us survive.

Until it doesn’t.

Human history is full of war and violence. The idea that we need to fiercely fight an enemy for our freedoms seems firmly entrenched in our psyche. Our belief in the efficacy and necessity of war has not changed over the centuries. But technological advancements in the weapons of war have made the destruction of the human species a real possibility. We need to put forth a powerful effort to solve our conflicts differently.

That’s where the superpower of humility comes in. The major religions promote humility. Not as a weakness. Just the opposite. As a strength. The superpower of humility means we’re able to overcome our fears and have the confidence and self-control necessary to listen to those who challenge us, hurt us, and make us oh, so mad. Those whom we don’t understand – but we could if we put forth the effort.

Humility isn’t easy. It’s hard to hear ideas we believe are harmful. It’s hard to listen to people we fear will hurt us. But if we don’t listen, we won’t understand. And if we don’t understand, we’ll fix the blame instead of fixing the problem. We’ll keep fighting or fleeing when faced with tough situations and never resolve core issues.

When I returned from my travels to Israel and Palestine, I joined the Jewish Voice for Peace, a group which believes that ending apartheid in Israel and condemning all racism, not just antisemitism, is the way to keep Israel and the Jewish people safe. They  “envision a world where all people — from the U.S. to Palestine — live in freedom, justice, equality, and dignity.”

Christianity’s Jesus gave us a tough message. He said, “Love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you.” Those words were meant to protect us and help us look upon each other with compassion and empathy so we could solve conflicts without harming each other. So clouds of misunderstanding could be lifted and we could communicate with respect.

When we respect the dignity of others and they respect us, fear diminishes. Our rational brain kicks in and finds a way to create solutions that don’t harden our hearts and destroy our souls. We produce answers that don’t rely on death and devastation; that don’t create a cycle of revenge.

On a personal level, humility is a superpower that brings us peace of mind. We let go of the fear we are not good enough, or the desire to be better than others, and can just be our unique selves. We can fail and make mistakes without beating up on ourselves, because we accept the fact that we are only human and doing the best we can.

 A favorite Bible verse of mine is Micah 6:8 because it answers a question many of us have: How should we live our lives? The advice given is simply to act justly, love mercy, and walk humbly with your God.  

When we walk humbly with our God, we seek justice and we defend ourselves. But we do so with grace and compassion, knowing we all struggle and are always learning. Knowing that when we hurt another, we hurt ourselves.

When we listen well and extend dignity to all, we will be blessed with new insights, innovative ideas, and unexpected friendships. Humility is the superpower that enables peace in our personal lives and in our world. It’s what makes us great.

Photo by Vicky Sim at Unsplash

What Makes Hard Times Happy Times?

Published on by Christy Heacock2 Comments

Happiness is not a goal, it’s a by-product.

~ Eleanor Roosevelt

“Beth remembered it as the best time in her life,” the museum volunteer told me. “Because even though they had nothing, every day they worked to make something out of nothing.”

I’ve been researching South Dakota life from around 1910 to 1950 for a historical novel I’m writing. Recently, my husband and I took a road trip to northwestern South Dakota and stopped at several small, local museums staffed by volunteers who were eager to share stories. They told me about tough times: food was scarce; weather could be ferociously cold or suffocatingly hot; disease, fires, and accidents were a constant concern.  But they also informed me that for many, those were happy times. The theme in our conversations: economic depressions aren’t always depressing.

What makes hard times happy times?

When I was straight out of college, I taught American history in Madison, SD. My students interviewed folks in the area who’d lived through the Depression years of the 1930s. I was surprised to find that many of the stories they collected described a happy time when people had little in the way of material goods, but still considered themselves rich. Rich in relationships. People pulled together as a community and found that being generous and kind, caring and sharing, provided a wealth of happiness.

A conversation I had years ago with an uncle from McLaughlin, SD, yielded the same information. My uncle was in his 90s and I asked him, “When you look back on your life, what are some of your fondest memories?” He responded that he enjoyed the Depression years. Curious, I asked why. “Because everyone was equal. The banker wasn’t any better than the farmer. We were all struggling, and we all pulled together to help each other out.”

The museum volunteers I talked to told me stories of orphans in the small South Dakota communities whose parents had died of various causes – war, disease, accidents. Some parents couldn’t afford to keep all their offspring. The children were taken in by families who had little room or food to spare, but lots of love to offer. One museum volunteer told me, “My parents took in whatever child needed caring for. We all slept on the floor together, played together. I didn’t even know about how people differentiated folks by skin color or where they were born until I was a teenager.” She had fond memories of those times.

There was plenty of tragedy. Not everyone survived. Many left for what were literally greener pastures. Indigenous families were heartbreakingly separated when children were taken by force to boarding schools, programmed to be ashamed of who they were and to become what government and religious leaders wanted them to be. Some people flourished while others perished. What made the difference? How were some people able to persevere? The answer for many: a caring community and supportive relationships.

I’ve been on mission trips to Lithuania, Nicaragua, Peru, Palestine, and Kenya. Exchanging gifts is culturally valued everywhere, and I’ve always received as well as given gifts – the most memorable being a live chicken.  However, the material gifts weren’t nearly as important as the friendships and cultural insights that I gained. I’ve found it’s easy to get caught up in our society’s focus on the dollar value of gifts and miss out on rich lessons we can gain from countries we often label as “third world” – as if we’ve discovered a legitimate way to rank nations.

I’ve learned that showing kindness and bestowing dignity is, in many ways, more important than providing food and material goods. Once, when sharing food with those in need, a man told me, “What’s important is that you feed our souls, not just our bodies.” Our bodies need food to live, but our souls need love and dignity. Without a sense of belonging, purpose, and meaning, we can lose our will to live.

I feel sad when I read statistics about the rise in mental health problems and suicide rates in this country. Our society’s problems are different than those of 100 years ago, but human beings haven’t changed. We still need a supportive community, a place where we feel we belong, and an identity that provides us with dignity and purpose. Generosity and compassion need to be abundant. Hatred, anger, and fear scarce.  

I bought a copy of the Timber Lake and Area Centennial of 1910-2010 that included stories from various people who lived in the area during that time. William E. Coats, whose homestead became part of the Firesteel townsite, shared a message he gave the people of his church in the early 1900s (pages 131-2). I’ll share part of it with you:

 We came here as strangers but with interests in common, which made it easy to become acquainted and now live as a great family of brothers and sisters. Not one of us is better than his neighbor. There is no caste, no faction, no highbrow, no lowdowns, no rich, no poor. We all like each other. Let us all try and keep it this way by overlooking each other’s faults and shortcomings. When we can say no good thing about our neighbor, let us be silent and hold our peace.

Mr. Coats had high hopes for his community. It’s not easy for us humans to respect people we disagree with, whom we fear will take more than their fair share and mess with our way of life. But I think we need more people with Mr. Coat’s attitude, idealistic as it may be.

If we look around with hope and excitement at the thought of creating something beautiful and meaningful – whether we have nothing or many things – we may experience some of the purpose and meaning that helped those rugged pioneers and resilient indigenous people survive and thrive in a challenging environment.

If we can dream of making a better life not just for ourselves, but for everyone in our community – no exceptions – we may find that joy replaces fear and despair. By working together in harmony, we can face the future with courage. And we may find out that is what makes us truly happy.

Forgiveness Empowers Resilience

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Your willingness to wrestle with your demons will cause your angels to sing.

~ August Wilson, Playwright

 Most people would agree that forgiveness is a virtue. They’d also agree that eating healthy foods and exercising are desirable goals. So why aren’t we all eating lots of vegetables and working out regularly with grace-filled hearts?

Most of us would like to be resilient, meaning being able to withstand or recover quickly from difficult situations. So why do we often struggle with our thoughts and emotions and sometimes turn to unhealthy avenues of escape?

Because resilience requires hard work.

Forgiving means uncovering a painful event, and moving beyond shame, bitterness, anger, or blame. It means accepting life as it is, even if we don’t like it, and working hard to find a way to move forward with courage, compassion, and creativity. The ability to forgive empowers resilience.

Elizabeth Edwards, attorney and activist, described resilience this way:

Resilience is accepting your new reality, even if it’s less good than the one you had before. You can fight it, you can do nothing but scream about what you’ve lost, or you can accept that and try to put together something that’s good.

Forgiving, resilient people learn from their mistakes instead of dwelling on them. Once they know better, they do better. They accept whatever circumstances they were born into or cannot change and let go of regrets after they’ve learned from them. 

Sometimes we fight what was and is so we don’t risk failing at what could be. But if we bury ourselves in shame, or if regrets keep us locked in our own personal prison, we can’t use whatever gifts and talents we possess to move forward and give to others. We blind ourselves to the joy that’s possible if we create a new and improved story about our struggles.

I dislike the saying “work smarter, not harder” because it may give us the idea that if we need to work hard at something, we’re not smart. And who wants to be considered stupid? As a teacher, I learned that most students would rather be bad than dumb, which is why they act badly when something is difficult for them. It’s a cover-up and a cop-out.

Setting priorities, working efficiently, focusing, and picking our battles are all smart ways to work. But sometimes the smartest thing we can do is work harder. If we want to forgive a major hurt quickly and easily and skip the part about wrestling with our demons, we will miss out on the genuine, heartfelt feeling of freedom and peace that comes with deep forgiveness. If we are facing a difficult challenge but seek shortcuts or easy outs instead of developing courage and wisdom, resilience will likely be elusive.

We’re lucky to live in a society wealthy enough for us to have free time to think about what makes us happy. Happiness is great. I love it. But Eleanor Roosevelt warned us that “Happiness is not a goal, it’s a by-product.” If we dwell on happiness or our lack of it, make it a goal in and of itself, we may miss out on the joy that comes with tackling tough situations. We may find ourselves stuck, because changing and evolving, learning and growing, requires us to work through some unhappy times. It requires us to confront tough emotions, take risks, understand people we don’t like, and accept that being human can be very hard indeed.

We all have a lot to learn in our lifetimes. That’s why forgiving, resilient people are open-minded and open-hearted. They’re not afraid to listen to others while staying true to themselves.

Brene Brown researches and writes about the benefits of vulnerability. She said, “Until we can receive with an open heart, we’re never really giving with an open heart.” It’s tough for us to admit our imperfections and own our pain. It makes us vulnerable. But vulnerability is also what joins us with others and lights the way for truth, genuine communication, and spiritual connections.

Both forgiveness and resilience are nurtured through the hope that there will be brighter days. We need faith in our ability to overcome suffering. Poet Shane Koyczan said, “If your heart is broken, make art with the pieces.” When we let go of our fear and grief, we find space in our hearts for love and forgiveness. We are able to create a life that provides us with dignity.

Resilience means you get back up again not just once, but again and again and again. You forgive yourself and whoever else you are blaming for your pain, count your blessings – no matter how meager – and keep trying. We can embrace wisdom from Confucius who said, “Our greatest glory is not in never failing, but in rising every time we fail.”

Forgiveness and resilience are skills that can be developed over time. Helen Keller, who was blind and deaf from the age of 19 months, surmounted her limitations and became an author, educator, and advocate. She said, “Although the world is full of suffering, it is also full of the overcoming of it.” And the good news is that like any skill, forgiveness and resilience get easier the more you work at them. Studies at the Yale School of Medicine found that our brains can be trained to be more resilient over time.

Famous role models like Michael J. Fox and Oprah motivate me to be strong, but I’m even more inspired by resilient neighbors and friends who have suffered tragedies or trauma. They realize we don’t get to dictate what challenges we face, but we do get to choose whether or not we use our hardships to create a meaningful future.

Forgiving, resilient people use gratitude to stay hopeful. They confront their struggles with courage, and they balance their negatives with positives – perhaps a hike in nature, a great cup of coffee, a heartwarming act of kindness, beautiful music. We choose whether to count sorrows or blessings.

Sometimes our pain and grief seem unbearable. We may need to congratulate ourselves for just getting out of bed in the morning and facing the day. We’ve kept moving and that’s something to be proud of. That’s how we make our angels sing.

Must We Walk This Lonesome Valley By Ourselves?

Published on by Christy Heacock1 Comment

After the congregation finished singing the hymn “Jesus Walked This Lonesome Valley,” the pastor at the Methodist church I was visiting in Washington, DC, said, “That’s an awful song. It’s terrible. I should have looked more carefully at the music. I’m sorry!” The congregation burst into laughter.  The pastor’s distress was real, but how often do you hear a minister dissing a song from the hymnal?

 “Jesus Walked This Lonesome Valley” is an American folk song often heard at Lent, the time of year when Christians remember events leading to and including the death of Jesus Christ. The first verse of the song focuses on Jesus walking alone, presumably to the cross. But the next two verses are all about us:

We must walk this lonesome valley,

We have to walk it by ourselves.

Oh, nobody else can walk it for us.

We have to walk it by ourselves.

You must go and stand your trial,

You have to stand it by yourself.

Nobody else, can stand it for you.

You have to stand it by yourself.

I remember my grandmother singing that song. She’d lived through the Depression, WWI and WWII, health problems, money woes, and other hardships. The song brought her comfort and when I researched it, I found the song often touched people who were suffering and needed the courage to persevere. So why was the pastor upset?

Well, because she’d just preached a lovely sermon assuring us that God was always with us. That we did not walk alone because the Holy Spirit was within us. She also assured her congregation of the church’s support for them when they faced trials and tribulations. In other words, she’d been telling us we do not walk alone. And then what happens? We sing a song telling us we have to walk alone.

So what should we think? Do we need to be rugged individualists walking unaided, or supported believers in a God that provides unconditional love?

As with all words, the meaning is in people – not the words themselves. Words are interpreted by the listener, reader, or singer who then assigns them meaning.

I did a Google search and found that lonesome valley songs often had their roots in rural Appalachia or in African American spirituals and had varied lyrics. For example, “Jesus Walked This Lonesome Valley” does not appear in African American hymnals but the song, “I Want Jesus to Walk With Me” does. Other versions focus totally on Jesus and don’t demand we humans navigate this lonesome valley by ourselves.

I believe in the importance of support and guidance on our life journey. My doctoral forgiveness study led me to the theme of empowerment through connections, courage, compassion, and creativity. The people I interviewed described connections that helped them traverse their path to forgiveness. They had a Higher Power, religious communities, family, friends, therapists, or mentors that walked this lonesome valley with them.

But forming those connections required courage. They had to become vulnerable and ask for guidance. Sometimes they were walking their lonesome valley alone as they searched for understanding and support. What was important was that they kept walking, even if they felt alone for a while. They had faith and hope that kept them following the way of love and compassion.

I find faith to be most difficult when I’m worried about the future and feel helpless and confused. I don’t know what’s lurking in the valley and I’m not sure where my walk will lead me. Courage is needed to accept whatever the valley holds for me while trusting my path will help me grow and evolve.

Humility – meaning the ability to clearly perceive, and the willingness to accept, one’s strengths and weaknesses – is a welcome companion when I’m traveling rough roads. It provides me with freedom from believing I must know everything or do everything on my own. It advises me to accept myself and the world as it is and give up expectations and desires that are both futile and making me miserable.  

Spiritually, humility means recognizing there is a power greater than ourselves whom we can trust to love and guide us. It’s often hard to let go of my ego’s need for perfection or control, but when I can humble myself and surrender to love and a higher power, my burden becomes lighter and my joy greater.

I think my grandmother found comfort in singing about this lonesome valley because when times were tough it helped her face sorrow. Grief hurts, but it’s necessary to work through it – not deny it – and music can be a wonderful solace.

Additionally, the first verse told her that Jesus had to walk this lonesome valley alone. I think it helped her to know Jesus also suffered as he faced a tough journey to the cross where he died.

Grandma had a faith that inspired me. She walked this lonesome valley courageously and she was a role model for me. When I’m walking my own lonesome valleys, I often feel Grandma beside me as well as the kind, merciful God Grandma taught me about. Our valleys aren’t as deep when we open our hearts and let love in.

When I hear “Jesus Walked This Lonesome Valley” in the future, I’ll think of Grandma, and also of the pastor who assured her congregation we do not have to walk alone. We just need the courage to reach out, believe, and keep walking.

Who Are You Allergic To?

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“If you take sulfa again, you will die.” That was the prognosis after the sulfa prescribed for my infection caused me to become ill and break out in hives that stretched from my head to the bottom of my feet.  It was my introduction into the dangers of allergies.

Allergies occur when our immune system identifies a certain substance as harmful, even though it isn’t. Apparently, the decision-making cells in my immune system mistakenly decided the foreigner sulfa was dangerous, so warrior cells were ordered to attack. Unfortunately, sending the troops into battle caused more harm than good. Nevertheless, in the future, my immune system will stubbornly continue to believe sulfa is a dangerous enemy. That fear, not the sulfa itself, will be what could kill me.   

It amazes me that our immune system has the same problem with fear that our brain does. When we overreact to perceived danger, we cause ourselves needless stress resulting in a variety of negative consequences: high blood pressure, anxiety disorders, insomnia, paranoia, damaged relationships – and on a broader scale – terrorism and war.

Perhaps it should come as no surprise that fear and overreaction are common themes affecting both our immune system and our limbic system (the part of the brain involved in our behavioral and emotional responses). After all, a significant challenge in life is assessing risks and creating balanced responses. Antibodies protect us against bacteria, viruses, and infections, but our immune system finds it hard to identify a real threat and react appropriately every time. Our limbic system also suffers from imperfection. It’s designed to protect us from danger, but we don’t always assess a situation accurately. Overreacting shuts down rational, higher-order thinking.

To complicate things further, overreacting to fear creates unhealthy responses that fuel more fears. Admitting we incorrectly responded may hurt our pride and make us fear vulnerability, so we cling to our “allergies.” What a vicious cycle it can be!

Taking control of our worries isn’t easy because one of our primary concerns is, naturally, our safety and survival. We develop “allergies” to each other because we fear being hurt and losing power, control, or resources. Unfortunately, those allergies will end up harming us if we don’t mount a rational counteroffensive.

Fear can lie to us. We need to have a conversation with our fears because they will demand to be heard and acknowledging them can be an insightful experience. But we don’t want them to scream at us and manipulate us into doing something stupid. And we don’t want them to keep us from learning and growing wiser. Seeking a compassionate, balanced discussion with our fears prevents them from moving in and creating allergies.

For example, it seems there are a plethora of politicians and media outlets that want me to fear immigrants and people from foreign countries. If I had let those voices create “allergies” within me, I would have missed out on tutoring English language learners from various countries and I wouldn’t have ventured to Kenya, Palestine, Nicaragua, Lithuania, and Peru on mission trips. My fears may have kept me safe, but they wouldn’t have opened my mind and heart to illuminating new understandings.

Being brave and courageous is a formidable task – at least it is for me – but I don’t want fear to steal my happiness or my integrity. I don’t want to develop the equivalent of an autoimmune disease.

Autoimmune diseases occur when our immune cells attack our own body by mistake. When I become hateful, jealous, greedy, dishonest (or any other adjective indicating a breakdown in my morals), I am attacking my own character. I need to keep my spiritual self healthy so I can fight off transgressions that tempt me because I’m afraid. Gandhi said, “The enemy is fear. We think it is hate; but, it is fear.”

The virtue of forgiveness is impossible to genuinely pursue when we are fearful. We can’t let go of a painful event if we are frightened that it will occur in the future. If I’m hurt by someone and don’t know how to prevent that pain going forward, I will hold onto it until I understand it and can figure out how to reduce it. If I don’t trust myself, I need to determine how to regain self-respect, so I don’t keep torturing myself with shame and regret.   

Actress Betty White said, “You don’t luck into integrity. You work at it.” We have to work at virtues, just like we work at a healthy diet or skill building. The potential is there, but we fool ourselves if we believe integrity develops without effort and a generous dose of humility.

We use our rational brain to fight fear and hate, but we’re also going to need love – love for all humankind, including ourselves. The Roman poet Virgil, around 37 BCE wrote in “Eclogues” that, “Love conquers all; let us surrender to love.” The Bible, 1 John 4:18, counsels us that, “Perfect love casts out fear.” Contemporary author Lorin Morgan-Richards wrote, “Love conquers the temporary hold of fear and hate. Inhumanity is a loop without it.” Throughout the ages, we’ve been advised to love one another, not fear one another.

A love for humankind, also known as agape love, is what unites and heals us. But human history testifies to how difficult it is to embrace. It requires compassion, which I think of as empathy with action. We not only strive to take the perspective and feel the emotions of another, we desire to let that understanding guide us.

When I’m fearful, I’m imprisoned in my own ego because I erect a wall that keeps out compassion. Shifting my perspective allows me to conquer my fear. For example, I was angry with someone recently because, in my mind, they were being arrogant and disrespectful to me. Whether they were or were not wasn’t the issue in my response. I reminded myself their behavior was a reflection on them, not me. Then I chose to be compassionate and consider what they were fearing – what their struggle was – and planned my response accordingly. The outcome was far better than had I given in to the allergy I was forming.

My fear sometimes stems from a lack of compassion for myself. I worry I will say or do something wrong. If I remind myself that it’s okay to say or do something that doesn’t meet expectations, I can relax, show myself self-love, and prevent my fears from harming me.

Autoimmune diseases are caused by a combination of genetics and environment. The same is true about our behaviors. Genetics provides us with a system that allows us to protect and defend ourselves and we can be grateful for that. But we can be especially thankful that we have it in our power to control our fears.

As Winston Churchill said, “Fear is a reaction. Courage is a decision.”

Photo by Cristi Ursea on Unsplash