When tempted to judge and condemn,
Choose instead curiosity.
When tempted to hate and despise,
Choose instead compassion.
When we choose forgiveness, we make the decision to conquer our pride and our need to be right. We choose a path that requires effort, but that is oh, so very worth it. Curiosity and compassion allow us to view our problems from a wiser, kinder perspective.
My anger is trying to tell me something. Anger always carries information, but its message is seldom immediately clear. Befriending anger includes finding ways to retrieve this message.
~Evelyn Eaton Whitehead and James D. Whitehead
Our emotions hold the key to our souls. They give us clues as to what we need to know about our true selves. We can use those clues to understand ourselves better. Once we understand our anger, we can work on resolving whatever issues are causing it. And that leads to peace of mind, better relationships, and spiritual growth.
There is some good in the worst of us and some evil in the best of us.
When we discover this, we are less prone to hate our enemies.
~ Martin Luther King Jr.
It’s very easy to demonize people who hurt us and look at them as objects that cause harm, not imperfect humans who are hurting like us. We may put people in good and bad boxes, refusing to let them out, and ignore Bible verses like Luke 6:27 that say “Love your enemies, do good to those who hate you.” Remembering that we all struggle helps us forgive both others and ourselves.
Your willingness to wrestle with your demons will cause your angels to sing.
~August Wilson
Forgiveness takes courage. Why? Because we must overcome shame and blame, and accept the things about ourselves and others that have caused pain. Struggling with our fears opens the door to our angels, who may be in human or spirit form, and who can help us overcome our darkness.
I want to be remembered for my kindness, for showing up, for giving second chances, for acknowledging my own toxic traits and for loving selflessly. If that isn’t it, then I failed horribly. Remember to extend grace because we’re all just walking each other home.
~Happy Soul
It’s important to ask ourselves what kind of person we want to be. The peace that comes with forgiveness is based on being true to oneself. Many of us want to be forgiving, but our pride and egos stand in the way. We’re afraid to admit our faults and we don’t want to be softies who get taken advantage of. But forgiveness isn’t about excusing or condoning bad behavior. It’s about justice and mercy; the creation of a fearless spirit and a kind heart.
Take forgiveness slowly. Don’t blame yourself for being slow. Peace will come.
~Yoko Ono
Genuine, deep forgiveness takes time because we have to work on understanding our pain. We need to know why we are hurting. Once we’ve processed our pain, we can start working on changing our perspective. We don’t forget our hurtful story; we remember it in a new way. A way that will bring us more peace, better relationships, and growth.
Do the best you can until you know better. Then when you know better, do better.
~Maya Angelou
We’re all doing the best we can and we’re all on different paths to growth. Let’s be gentle with each other. We cannot do what we have not yet learned. Understanding comes with time and experience. Keep learning.
“The Other Serenity Prayer” by Eleanor Brown
God grant me the serenity to stop beating myself up for not doing things perfectly,
The courage to forgive myself because I’m working on doing things better,
And the wisdom to know that you already love me just the way I am.
Self-forgiveness can be harder than forgiving others. When we accept our own strengths and weaknesses, we are more able to extend compassion to others. Letting go of the idea that we should be perfect and not make mistakes gives us the freedom we need to learn and grow.
When we can talk about our feelings, they become less overwhelming, less upsetting, and less scary. The people we trust with that important talk can help us know that we’re not alone.
~Fred Rogers
I recently held a series of in-person forgiveness conversations. It’s great to read about forgiveness, and my book, Being Human Is Hard: Choose Forgiveness, includes many stories that can help guide and inspire us. But it’s also important to talk about what we’ve read and how we feel about it.
I’ll be posting a series of quotes – like the one above from Mister Rogers – that were group favorites. Connections to people with whom we can share our thoughts and feelings safely is vital to healing from a major transgression. As one participant noted, “Dangerous thoughts lose their power when you express them.” We all face hardship, and our journey is made easier when we support each other.
Your willingness to wrestle with your demons will cause your angels to sing.
~ August Wilson, Playwright
Most people would agree that forgiveness is a virtue. They’d also agree that eating healthy foods and exercising are desirable goals. So why aren’t we all eating lots of vegetables and working out regularly with grace-filled hearts?
Most of us would like to be resilient, meaning being able to withstand or recover quickly from difficult situations. So why do we often struggle with our thoughts and emotions and sometimes turn to unhealthy avenues of escape?
Because resilience requires hard work.
Forgiving means uncovering a painful event, and moving beyond shame, bitterness, anger, or blame. It means accepting life as it is, even if we don’t like it, and working hard to find a way to move forward with courage, compassion, and creativity. The ability to forgive empowers resilience.
Elizabeth Edwards, attorney and activist, described resilience this way:
Resilience is accepting your new reality, even if it’s less good than the one you had before. You can fight it, you can do nothing but scream about what you’ve lost, or you can accept that and try to put together something that’s good.
Forgiving, resilient people learn from their mistakes instead of dwelling on them. Once they know better, they do better. They accept whatever circumstances they were born into or cannot change and let go of regrets after they’ve learned from them.
Sometimes we fight what was and is so we don’t risk failing at what could be. But if we bury ourselves in shame, or if regrets keep us locked in our own personal prison, we can’t use whatever gifts and talents we possess to move forward and give to others. We blind ourselves to the joy that’s possible if we create a new and improved story about our struggles.
I dislike the saying “work smarter, not harder” because it may give us the idea that if we need to work hard at something, we’re not smart. And who wants to be considered stupid? As a teacher, I learned that most students would rather be bad than dumb, which is why they act badly when something is difficult for them. It’s a cover-up and a cop-out.
Setting priorities, working efficiently, focusing, and picking our battles are all smart ways to work. But sometimes the smartest thing we can do is work harder. If we want to forgive a major hurt quickly and easily and skip the part about wrestling with our demons, we will miss out on the genuine, heartfelt feeling of freedom and peace that comes with deep forgiveness. If we are facing a difficult challenge but seek shortcuts or easy outs instead of developing courage and wisdom, resilience will likely be elusive.
We’re lucky to live in a society wealthy enough for us to have free time to think about what makes us happy. Happiness is great. I love it. But Eleanor Roosevelt warned us that “Happiness is not a goal, it’s a by-product.” If we dwell on happiness or our lack of it, make it a goal in and of itself, we may miss out on the joy that comes with tackling tough situations. We may find ourselves stuck, because changing and evolving, learning and growing, requires us to work through some unhappy times. It requires us to confront tough emotions, take risks, understand people we don’t like, and accept that being human can be very hard indeed.
We all have a lot to learn in our lifetimes. That’s why forgiving, resilient people are open-minded and open-hearted. They’re not afraid to listen to others while staying true to themselves.
Brene Brown researches and writes about the benefits of vulnerability. She said, “Until we can receive with an open heart, we’re never really giving with an open heart.” It’s tough for us to admit our imperfections and own our pain. It makes us vulnerable. But vulnerability is also what joins us with others and lights the way for truth, genuine communication, and spiritual connections.
Both forgiveness and resilience are nurtured through the hope that there will be brighter days. We need faith in our ability to overcome suffering. Poet Shane Koyczan said, “If your heart is broken, make art with the pieces.” When we let go of our fear and grief, we find space in our hearts for love and forgiveness. We are able to create a life that provides us with dignity.
Resilience means you get back up again not just once, but again and again and again. You forgive yourself and whoever else you are blaming for your pain, count your blessings – no matter how meager – and keep trying. We can embrace wisdom from Confucius who said, “Our greatest glory is not in never failing, but in rising every time we fail.”
Forgiveness and resilience are skills that can be developed over time. Helen Keller, who was blind and deaf from the age of 19 months, surmounted her limitations and became an author, educator, and advocate. She said, “Although the world is full of suffering, it is also full of the overcoming of it.” And the good news is that like any skill, forgiveness and resilience get easier the more you work at them. Studies at the Yale School of Medicine found that our brains can be trained to be more resilient over time.
Famous role models like Michael J. Fox and Oprah motivate me to be strong, but I’m even more inspired by resilient neighbors and friends who have suffered tragedies or trauma. They realize we don’t get to dictate what challenges we face, but we do get to choose whether or not we use our hardships to create a meaningful future.
Forgiving, resilient people use gratitude to stay hopeful. They confront their struggles with courage, and they balance their negatives with positives – perhaps a hike in nature, a great cup of coffee, a heartwarming act of kindness, beautiful music. We choose whether to count sorrows or blessings.
Sometimes our pain and grief seem unbearable. We may need to congratulate ourselves for just getting out of bed in the morning and facing the day. We’ve kept moving and that’s something to be proud of. That’s how we make our angels sing.
Choose Forgiveness 