Tag: mental health

Self-Forgiveness Opens the Door to Forgiving Others

Published on by Christy HeacockLeave a comment

Never be defined by your past. It was just a lesson, not a life sentence.

~Tiny Buddha

Forgiving is for giving. Self-forgiveness can be a life-changing gift we give ourselves that opens the door to forgiving others. If we haven’t experienced compassion and grace ourselves, how can we share it with others?

Forgiving ourselves is hard, and that’s a good thing. We need to feel remorse when we’ve caused pain or injustice. We don’t want to function like sociopaths who have no anxiety or guilt when they harm others. But we need to take on the difficult task of forgiving ourselves so we don’t hide in shame, or even worse, deny our wrongdoing and blame others for our offensive behavior or mistakes.

If we can’t forgive ourselves, we generally journey down one of two destructive paths. I call them The Dead-End Road of Shame and The Abusive Highway of Blame.

Following the Dead-End Road of Shame is different than admitting guilt. Guilt is a motivator that drives us to understand our behavior and decide to do better. Learning from our missteps is productive and allows us to grow and evolve.

Shame, however, means believing we are “bad” and unworthy of forgiveness. We believe our past mistakes and transgressions are fatal and use them as a reason to give up, become stagnant, and isolate ourselves. Shame hurts our relationships. It prevents us from sharing the joy of unconditional grace and the peace that comes with accepting our limitations.

The Abusive Highway of Blame is traveled when we don’t have the courage to own our mistakes and bad behavior. If we fear judgment or punishment because of something we’ve done, finding a way out of our mess that doesn’t involve taking responsibility and admitting wrongdoing may define our journey.   Blaming others is an attempt to stay out of trouble. However, it keeps us from forgiving others because that would mean we have to quit blaming them and become accountable for our actions.

A manipulative tactic sometimes used on the Abusive Highway is what Professor Jennifer Freyd calls DARVO: Deny, Attack, and Reverse Victim and Offender. If we’d rather be right than truthful and are afraid to acknowledge what we’ve done, we may deny, attack, and step into the sinister scenario of accusing those we’ve hurt of being the “real” offenders. We may claim those we’ve offended deserve our abuse or are falsely accusing us of wrongdoing. This strategy is especially harmful when DARVO warriors are attacking vulnerable people who lack the confidence to stand up for themselves.

When DARVO is used politically, it may lead to competitive victimhood. “You started it.” “No, you did.” “It’s your fault.” “No, it’s your fault.” Each side attacks the other self-righteously and protectively. Refusing to listen. Refusing to admit any wrongdoing or mistakes. Refusing to cooperate and collaborate.

Our life journey becomes more joyful and kind when we reject the Dead-End Road of Shame and the Abusive Highway of Blame and choose instead to follow the Path of Forgiveness. We replace shame and blame with courage and compassion and create a new story in which we move forward with honesty and integrity. We reclaim our dignity.

The foundation of forgiveness is acceptance of the messiness of the human condition. Forgiveness is built on the knowledge that we normal, imperfect humans must learn through struggle and errors.

Bad behavior doesn’t mean we’re bad people. We can learn and grow by understanding why our actions failed or were hurtful. We can figure out how to do better in the future. Only when we know better will we be able to do better.  

The ability to forgive ourselves for our human deficiencies frees us from an overemphasis on perfection and allows us to enjoy discovery and innovation. Jonathan Biss, concert pianist, wrote an opinion piece for the NY Times lamenting that classical musicians are trained to prevent mistakes, but they aren’t trained to talk to God. He explained, “You cannot learn or grow while trying to appear as if you have everything figured out. You cannot talk to God by trying to avoid doing something wrong.”

In other words, if we’re afraid to listen to our inner, spiritual voice because we fear messing up, we will miss out on magical moments and creative breakthroughs. Unrealistic expectations and a quest for perfection may imprison us and block the excitement and curiosity that naturally occur when we’re embracing the pleasures of learning and finding joy in the mysteries of life. 

Beatrice Wood, American artist and studio potter, said “My life is full of mistakes. They’re like pebbles that make a good road.” Pebbles are the aggregate that makes roads resilient. Mistakes can do the same for us.

The roads we follow are unique. Sometimes pebbles feel more like boulders that are impossible to move. All our journeys contain regrets, grief, and sadness. We struggle with darkness, but the good news is we can replace it with light and build something new. That’s what the forgiveness process is all about.

Self-forgiveness is not about pardoning ourselves or anyone else for wrongdoing, and it’s not about forgetting what happened. It’s the opposite. It’s about accepting imperfection, stepping on our pride, and taking responsibility for our feelings and actions. It’s about dropping facades and opening our hearts to love fully. It’s about resilience, because we’re not afraid to try new things, reach out to others, and evolve.

The path of forgiveness leads to transformation and becoming our genuine selves. When we do that, we have nothing to hide and no one to blame.

Give yourself the gift of forgiveness. And be sure to pass on the joy and peace it brings you to others.

Photo by Harli Marten on Unsplash

Is Revenge Addiction a Public Health Crisis?

Published on by Christy HeacockLeave a comment

Last time I went to a movie theater I was appalled and alarmed when preview after preview was filled with anger and violence. So much of our entertainment, as well as our politics, centers around vengeance.

I’m a proponent of forgiveness and just mercy as a much wiser way to deal with offensive behavior than revenge, but hadn’t thought about our culture’s desire for vengeance as a public health crisis until I listened to James Kimmel, Jr. –  lawyer and lecturer in psychiatry at the Yale School of Medicine – talk about his book, The Science of Revenge, on Neil DeGrasse Tyson’s podcast, Star Talk. Kimmel contends many of us are addicted to revenge and it’s creating a violent, unstable nation and world.

Kimmel notes that our culture too often glorifies retribution. Action films are often revenge films that equate avengers with justice seekers. But is revenge just?

I looked up synonyms for revenge. My search did NOT display “justice,” but did list terms such as spite, venom, bitterness, and hatred. So why are we exalting it? Neuroscientists tell us we receive a hit of the addictive and pleasurable chemical dopamine when we retaliate and feel avenged for a real or perceived wrong.  I admit, as a human, that revenge is fleetingly pleasurable. That pleasure, Kimmel explains, is why we can become addicted to it.

Getting even can be cruelly satisfying, even if our vengeance is misplaced. We may kick the dog, abuse a family member, bomb another country in our quest to satisfy our revenge addiction and experience that delightful hit of dopamine.

The desire for revenge is part of our biological survival toolkit. Fighting threats to our existence and protecting our group are natural instincts. Consequences for breaking social norms are adaptive. But revenge is simply reacting viciously when we are hurt, feel threatened, or are fearful. Upshifting our thinking to our prefrontal cortex and reflecting on the best way to ensure our survival and solve our problems is a wiser strategy.

Humiliation can lead to compulsive revenge seeking. When our dignity is threatened, our identity disrespected, we experience both mental and physical pain. Grievances hurt. We may turn to revenge which, like alcohol, gambling, pornography, etc., can bring relief for a short time. The temporary enjoyment revenge brings takes away whatever pain we’re trying to escape from.

It’s so human to feel satisfaction when someone who’s hurt us receives what we believe is their deserved punishment. An eye for an eye seems just, even if it does make the whole world blind.

In the short term, we may be obsessed with our dopamine hit and ignore the brutal long-term consequences of vengeance. We may reassure ourselves those people we’ve labeled bad will surely learn their lesson if severely punished and the world will be safer for us good people. It’s more likely, however, that those people will also feel humiliated and want retribution. The cycle of violence will continue until someone has the courage and wisdom to put a stop to it.

We fuel our addictions by telling ourselves stories that justify our behavior. With a revenge addiction, we may contend we’re victims and revenge will change that. And it does. We become avengers who create victims and compete in a game of competitive victimhood. Each side claims they have the right and justification to hurt the other. Victimhood turns us into villains.

What gives me hope, but also dismays me, is how easy it is to see those revenge synonyms – spite, venom, bitterness, hatred – in others but not recognize them in ourselves. Hope because that means we’re aware of the evil in revenge. Dismay because it’s so easy to project our own failings onto others.

Anna Freud, Sigmund’s daughter, was a psychologist who wrote about defense mechanisms. Projection (being one of them) is when we attribute our own undesirable thoughts and feelings to others to avoid confronting and owning them ourselves. For example, we may feel it is unacceptable to hate someone, so instead of examining our feelings, we simply project our negative emotions unto others and say, “They are the ones being hateful.  Not me.”  

So what do we do about our tendency to turn to anger and revenge when we feel fearful, humiliated, out of control?

Kimmel says forgiveness is the way to free ourselves of a revenge addiction. Doing so will help rid us of a disastrous public health problem.

Have you heard the phrase, “work smarter, not harder?” That phrase isn’t very useful when it comes to forgiveness because forgiveness may take hard work. However, if we change that advice to “work smarter AND harder” it will help us overcome our revenge addiction.

Why work smarter? Because combining justice with mercy and compassion is a much better solution than revenge if our goal is a kinder, safer world. Why work harder? Because it takes effort to shut down our revenge cravings and activate our self-control circuitry. Evil arises from the human condition itself that, unless tamed, compels us to simply hurt those who we believe have hurt us or could hurt us.

We can choose to follow the advice of the prophet Micah who was asked the question, “What does God require of us?” He advised us to act justly, love mercy, and walk humbly with our God. If we strive for justice at the same time as we love mercy and are humble, we can break the cycle of vengeance and experience the joy that emanates from kindness and compassion. Dopamine, oxytocin, and serotonin are neurochemicals that make us feel good and are released when we experience and perform acts of kindness.

Choosing forgiveness over revenge means accepting there is injustice in the world but it does NOT mean excusing or condoning it – in others or in ourselves. It means working for justice with empathy and humility.

Forgiveness promotes healing and empowers our moral and emotional development. It’s about transformation and will help us create a world in which we care about each other more than fear each other. We can follow the biblical teaching to love our neighbors as ourselves without restricting access to our neighborhood.

Kimmel calls revenge the world’s deadliest addiction. Our current obsession with violence as entertainment and using blame as a way to solve problems will simply crush our spirits, damage our souls, and harm our communities. It’s a public health crisis that will require resources and education so we adopt healthy, ethical ways to deal with conflict and threats to our dignity.

There’s hope. We each have the power to be kind, generous, compassionate, and forgiving. We can create a peaceful, joyful world if we’re willing to overcome our addiction to revenge. As Gandhi famously said, “Be the change you want to see in the world.”

The Joy of Love Is My Strength

Published on by Christy HeacockLeave a comment

The large, fluffy white dog was so patient, staying close to his elderly friend who walked very slowly with the help of a cane. He was joined by a woman, who also stayed close by his side. The man, whom I’d greeted for many years on my own walks, used to stride unaided at a fast clip. I understood. Walking a beloved dog through a beautiful park is pure joy and not something you give up just because your body complains of aches and pains.

The scene I observed that morning raised my spirit and brightened my mood, which was rather sour after reading news headlines proclaiming terrible things we humans do to each other. As I drove by, the song “The Joy of the Lord Is My Strength,” played on the radio. My mind quickly transformed the words to “The Joy of Love Is My Strength.”  I envision God as the Spirit of love, not a lord or king. Acts of loving kindness strengthen my faith and give me hope.

Later that day I was listening to a news podcast interviewing Christian nationalists and quoting Elon Musk, who has said that “the fundamental weakness of Western civilization is empathy.” They discussed what Joe Rigney, a fellow of theology at New St. Andrews College, has called “the sin of empathy.”  This was the first I’d heard about the idea that empathy could be wicked.

I learned that those who consider empathy as something that can be taken to a sinful extreme believe that when we immerse ourselves in the feelings of others we lose our ability to rationally consider what’s truly good for them. We may abandon our beliefs and judgments when committing the sin of empathy.

So what is empathy?

The Merriam Webster Dictionary defines empathy as “the action of understanding, being aware of, being sensitive to, and vicariously experiencing the feelings, thoughts, and experience of another.”

Understanding, awareness, and sensitivity do affect our thinking. If I can’t feel empathy for others’ suffering, I may make choices that benefit me and my group only. If I refuse to try to understand the feelings, thoughts, and experiences of others, it will be easy for me to make cruel, unfair decisions concerning them. If I’m not sensitive to the needs of someone whose land or resources I want to take, my conscience can be clear, moral integrity intact. That’s why attempts are made to desensitize soldiers to killing before we send them off to break one of the Ten Commandments.

Those interviewed were especially concerned about how empathy affects people’s thinking about immigrants, the LGBTQ+ population, and others who may be suffering. They warned that empathy can lead to excessive compassion and the fear is, instead of helping those who are suffering, we will instead fall into a pit with them. They warned we must not get caught up in feelings (I assume strong feelings against empathy are okay) but instead hold fast to our beliefs and judgments so we can do good.

One of my beliefs is that empathy is important and the podcast made me even more convinced that engaging in empathy is valuable to decision making. Being sensitive to the feelings and experiences of people in the LGBTQ+ community has helped me eliminate fears that could cloud my thinking. Time spent with English language learners has provided me with a better understanding of why people enter the United States and how they benefit our communities. Truly listening to people with different needs and perspectives from my own has expanded my awareness. I would feel “sinful” if I judged people I hadn’t taken the time to understand. 

Forgiveness requires empathy. The Sacred Lakota Pipe Carrier I interviewed regarding forgiveness realized lack of knowledge regarding American Indians led to prejudice and injustice. She didn’t like being judged by people who didn’t understand her and didn’t want to become like them. She said, “Nobody is going to make me hate.”  

Without enough empathy we get caught up in condemning others and proving our side – our people – are the right ones, the superior ones. The “others” are a scapegoat for our problems and a foe to defeat. The value of cooperation and collaboration are forgotten as we battle to win or lose, not to reach a wise decision that considers all perspectives.

Have you ever been told you’re too nice? I’ve found being too nice means going along with someone or something so I don’t suffer. It’s easier to say “yes” than argue with someone. We don’t want to make people mad, lose a friendship or job. So we go along to get along. Empathy makes it harder for us to go along with cruel, unfair actions.

Bleeding heart and do-gooder are terms that may indicate we’re trying to make ourselves feel good by doing good to others. Nothing wrong with that. However, without empathy, we may not truly understand another’s needs. The danger is we may make people feel incompetent or helpless, increasing their dependence on us for our own gain instead of providing them with dignity and opportunity.

Empathy helps us understand what someone needs and what they don’t need. It keeps us from judging people we don’t know by anything other than a label.

In an “us versus them” world, we may believe a powerful, harsh lord or king is needed to protect us. But the joy of the Lord, as described in the Bible under chapters 8 and 9 of Nehemiah, is delight in a loving God that is forgiving, gracious, and compassionate. It sounds like an empathetic God to me.

When I’m not feeling kind and loving, I’m not joyful nor am I strong. I’m weak because I’m wrapped up in my own ego and personal expectations. My heart and mind are closed for business because I’m too busy being angry and self-righteous. I’ve no energy for empathy because fear and anxiety have depleted me.

The woman and the dog who walked beside the man in the park understood what he needed and respected his dignity. They walked beside him, sharing in his love of nature, fresh air, exercise. They were sensitive to his feelings. That’s empathy. That’s the joy of a loving spirit that is our strength.

Forgiveness – Bridging Deep Divides

Published on by Christy Heacock4 Comments

I was a guest, along with Kenneth Cloke, on Humanity Rising’s program exploring the power of forgiveness and civil discourse in bridging deep divides. Below you will find an explanation of our conversation and a link to the program.

Blessings,

Chris

…a profound exploration of Forgiveness in Times of Duress, as Humanity Rising delves into the complexities of this vital virtue.

Tom Eddington and Eileen Barker engage with guests Christie Heacock and Kenneth Cloke, exploring civil discourse, the power of compassion, and the importance of transcending binary thinking. Christy shares insights from her book “Being Human is Hard: Choose Forgiveness,” emphasizing connections, courage, compassion, and creativity. Ken Cloak offers a mediative approach to resolving conflicts, highlighting the need for higher-order skills and emotional intelligence.

This session invites you to reflect on the role of forgiveness in personal and political realms, encouraging a shift towards empathy, understanding, and unity. Don’t miss this opportunity to deepen your understanding of forgiveness and its transformative potential.

https://www.patreon.com/posts/forgiveness-deep-120999133?utm_medium=clipboard_copy&utm_source=copyLink&utm_campaign=postshare_fan&utm_content=web_share

Why Boundaries Help Us Forgive

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When we fail to set boundaries and hold people accountable, we feel used and mistreated. This is why we sometimes attack who they are, which is far more hurtful than addressing a behavior or a choice.”

~ Brene Brown, The Gift of Imperfection

A therapist told a friend of mine that some things are unforgiveable. She listed three abusive actions taken by my friend’s spouse that she should not forgive. I agreed that the actions in question were cruel and should certainly not be excused, overlooked, or condoned. The behaviors were hurtful and confirmation that her spouse could not be trusted. However . . .

Forgiveness is for people – not bad behavior.

People who are ignorant, stressed out, broken, struggling, hurting (words that describe all of us at some time or another) need forgiveness. We won’t move past bitterness and regrets until we learn how to forgive ourselves and others for the bad behaviors that come with being human. Forgiveness is about personal and spiritual growth.

We humans have the potential to become kinder and wiser, more respectful and understanding. However, during the process of becoming, we may be very irritating, disrespectful, unfair, cruel, and downright despicable. That’s why boundaries are so important.

Bad behavior needs to be confronted and how we do it is crucial. Setting boundaries doesn’t mean punishing people or telling them off; it means establishing consequences for hurtful actions. For example, I was caretaker for my father when, in his 90s, he needed assistance. My dad had many great qualities, but they didn’t include being calm and patient. He had trouble containing his anger and the aging process hadn’t helped. I didn’t want to feel like a victim – bitter and resentful – so I set boundaries.

I did what I needed to do to feel good about the care I was providing, even if my father didn’t agree with my decisions. If Dad became angry, I kept calm and didn’t chastise him. I simply left, but came back later when he’d had a chance to calm down.

Boundaries aren’t about what you do to someone. They’re about what you do for yourself. The boundaries I set with my father allowed me to be forgiving because I took away his power to hurt me. I didn’t feel like a victim because I’d taken responsibility for my choices.

Those who get angry when you set a boundary are the ones you need to set boundaries for.

~ J.S. Wolfe, The Pathology of Innocence

Setting boundaries takes courage. We likely will make someone mad, even though boundaries are good for all concerned.  Allowing unethical or abusive behavior to continue doesn’t help either party. It just reinforces bad behavior and allows it to continue. 

My friend won’t be able to forgive her spouse until she’s determined how to set boundaries that will protect her from getting hurt. She may need to end the relationship altogether. Forgiving someone doesn’t mean you have to reconcile. It’s important to be safe and have healthy relationships.

Perhaps one did not want to be loved so much as to be understood.

~George Orwell, 1984

George Orwell reminds us that if someone says they love us, but continually do things that hurt us, they don’t understand us. We rightly question love that doesn’t make an effort to care for us in a way that makes us feel valued and secure.

The forgiveness process helps us work through our fear and hurt. We experience growth as we learn more about ourselves and what we need for a life that provides us with dignity and supportive relationships.

Have you ever erupted in anger at someone? Was that someone not the cause of your anger but instead someone you felt secure around or who just happened to be in the wrong place at the wrong time? If we’re not courageous enough to confront the object of our hurt (perhaps they hold power over us, or perhaps we’re really mad at ourselves) we may displace our anger on those we believe will tolerate our bad behavior.

If we haven’t been honest with ourselves about the cause of our pain, the hurt we’re feeling builds up. The volcano inside us is in danger of exploding any minute. If we lock our emotions inside, they will devour us and cause physical health problems. Boundaries set in a compassionate, caring, firm manner help us avoid disaster.

Establishing guidelines and limits helps us with difficult conversations. Human beings will always have different perspectives and points of view and it’s important that we listen and understand each other. However, when people get insulting or threatening, communication breaks down and relationships collapse.

We can establish boundaries by agreeing to take turns listening. If emotions get out of hand, time outs can be taken. Openness to growth and desiring stronger relationships are keys to effective communication.

Setting boundaries requires us to look honestly at the role we’ve played in a painful situation.  Some of my hardest forgiveness work is in gaining the humility to admit I could have handled a situation better; that I’m part of the problem. Being able to acknowledge “I should have spoken up” or “I shouldn’t have done that” is what leads to growth.

Sometimes we become comfortable with our discomfort and lean into the definition of insanity credited to Albert Einstein: doing the same thing over and over again, expecting a different result.  That’s when a new story is needed. One that looks at our situation from a different point of view and creates a new and improved chapter in our life journey.

Have the courage to address bad behavior while remembering we all need to forgive and be forgiven. We’re learning and need help on our individual paths.

Healthy boundaries ease fears and establish trust. They set us on the path to genuine forgiveness.

photo by Suki Lee

Understanding Anger

Published on by Christy HeacockLeave a comment

My anger is trying to tell me something. Anger always carries information, but its message is seldom immediately clear. Befriending anger includes finding ways to retrieve this message.

~Evelyn Eaton Whitehead and James D. Whitehead

Our emotions hold the key to our souls. They give us clues as to what we need to know about our true selves. We can use those clues to understand ourselves better. Once we understand our anger, we can work on resolving whatever issues are causing it. And that leads to peace of mind, better relationships, and spiritual growth.

Favorite Forgiveness Quotes

Published on by Christy HeacockLeave a comment

When we can talk about our feelings, they become less overwhelming, less upsetting, and less scary. The people we trust with that important talk can help us know that we’re not alone.

~Fred Rogers

I recently held a series of in-person forgiveness conversations. It’s great to read about forgiveness, and my book, Being Human Is Hard: Choose Forgiveness, includes many stories that can help guide and inspire us. But it’s also important to talk about what we’ve read and how we feel about it.

I’ll be posting a series of quotes – like the one above from Mister Rogers – that were group favorites. Connections to people with whom we can share our thoughts and feelings safely is vital to healing from a major transgression. As one participant noted, “Dangerous thoughts lose their power when you express them.” We all face hardship, and our journey is made easier when we support each other.

But I Have Issues

Published on by Christy HeacockLeave a comment

Photo by Tengyart on Unsplash

Following is the message I gave to my church, Canyon Lake Methodist, on July 13, 2021, while filling in for our excellent pastors and giving them a break. The sermon series, entitled “Your But’s Too Big,” focused on those things that keep us from finding our calling and living life to the fullest. My message was entitled, “But I Have Issues.” You can listen to the church service and message by following the link https://www.facebook.com/canyonlakeunitedmethodist/videos/126356636251833/

2 Corinthians 12:9-10 New International Version

9 But God said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. 10 That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.

Our pastors asked me to do the message on “But I Have Issues.” They said, “Chris, you have lots of issues, so this is a perfect topic for you.” Actually, they were too nice to say that so instead said, “You have a doctorate in psychology and psychology involves the study of people’s issues.” So, here I am.

What does it mean to have issues? Issues are emotional or psychological difficulties, and we all have those difficulties at some time or another, to varying degrees – from a personality quirk to a severe mental illness. When I taught psychology, I liked to assure students that, “We’re all a little crazy.” However, our issues don’t need to keep us from using our God-given gifts and talents, from following our dreams, from living fulfilling, purposeful lives.

Our scripture for today is about Paul, and it describes a time when Paul was having issues and he wanted God to do something about that. God had given him what Paul referred to as a thorn and Paul didn’t like it. I can certainly identify with his feelings.

Travis Heam, the author of “Your But’s Too Big” said “We want comfort. God wants character. We want freedom. God wants faith. We want easy. God wants everything. We want to feel good. God wants us to feel God.”  

In our society, issues are especially tough because we often feel like we have to pretend we don’t have issues, or we think we should be able to solve them by ourselves. We can tell people we’re on a diet or that we have high blood pressure, a bad back, or cancer, but it’s hard to admit we have mental issues, spiritual issues. We hide our true thoughts and feelings. And the horrible thing is that hiding our depression, anxiety, trauma, addiction or whatever issue we may be suffering from makes it worse. Pretending is poisonous.

So let’s not hide from our issues or let them keep us from our calling. Let’s look at the advice God gives to Paul, I’ll throw in a little psychology, and we’ll talk about three ways to keep from saying, “I would, but I have issues.”

First –God’s love is unconditional. “My grace is sufficient for you.”

My issues started early and I remember struggling as a teenager. I was fortunate to grow up in a Methodist church in Redfield, SD, that assured me God’s love was unconditional. God was merciful, not wrathful.  I was also fortunate that I loved to read. I still have the book I’m Okay, You’re Okay by Dr. Thomas Harris that helped get me through high school. It gave me hope that I was okay, even when I didn’t fit in or feel okay. Books can function as excellent therapists.

When Paul experienced his “thorn” – his issue – he needed assurance that even though what he was going through was hard, he was still okay. God told Paul, “My grace is sufficient for you.” Meaning it doesn’t matter how many issues you have, you are okay and I will love you through this.

Having faith and truly believing God’s assurance that “My grace is sufficient for you” is important because it helps us calm down and realize it’s okay to not feel okay. We are still okay even if our thoughts don’t feel okay. Because we are not our thoughts, we are not our crazy feelings. We are beloved children of a merciful God.

What we especially need when our issues are keeping us from sharing our gifts and causing us great pain is a firm foundation of love and acceptance. I’m okay. You’re okay. “My grace is sufficient for you.” If we don’t believe that – that grace is sufficient – we develop big buts full of shame and blame that keep us from delighting in life and living out our purpose; from finding the joy that forgiveness and compassion brings.

If our issues cause us to bury our heads in shame, we will miss out on new experiences that will help us grow closer to God and we’ll say, “I would, but . . .when asked to share our gifts with others, to experience new things. We’re worried we’ll mess up againand just create even more shame for ourselves. We’re stuck.

Blaming can be even worse because if we can’t face our issues, we may take our pain out on others and become people who spread hurt rather than healing. If we’re busy blaming others for our issues and judging them for their issues, we’re missing out on the peace that passes understanding and the joy that comes with accepting and giving grace. With realizing we’re all okay and doing the best we can. Which leads me to the second point. We’re born to learn, not perform.

Second – We’re Born to Learn, Not Perform

We’re born to learn, not perform, which means we will make mistakes and fail. That’s the human condition. We don’t know it all and we need Jesus to show us the way and other people to teach us. Even rugged individualists in South Dakota need help.

So our scripture goes on to say, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Paul had a very high opinion of himself, and the scripture informs us he was quite upset that he had to endure “weakness, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities.” He didn’t like having issues and at first, he tried to persuade God to get rid of them for him.

I understand, issues are no fun. We want comfort. God wants character. When I was much younger, I remember times when my issues were bothering me – and then I’d have an insight, a personal epiphany, and think, “I’ve got things figured out now. No more issues.”  And for a few hours, maybe even a couple days I did, but it wasn’t long before a new struggle would come along and I’d have issues again. I finally figured out this learning thing is lifelong. It’s not a one and done. God wants us to grow and learn all our lives. We’re to be lifelong learners.

Paul figured that out too. He wasn’t supposed to be too content with himself, and he definitely wasn’t supposed to boast about how smart and special he was. God told him to boast about his weaknesses, because his weaknesses, his issues, were going to lead him closer to God and keep him learning. It wouldn’t be as comfortable and self-esteem boosting as Paul would have liked, but struggles are when we have the opportunity to build character, to be transformed.

Like Paul, we probably need to do some complaining first because issues are tough. Then we can surrender and ask God, “What am I supposed to be learning? Why am I so depressed, so obsessive, so anxious, so angry, so unable to concentrate, so addicted, so tormented? And we ask God to be with us as we try to figure out our issues, as we grow and learn, ask for help, share what we’ve learned, and develop character. We change our focus, so our negative thoughts don’t spiral out of control.

Third – It’s Not All About Me.

Changing my focus and reminding myself, “It’s not all about me,” has been effective for me in a couple ways. First, I’ve quit telling God what to do – it wasn’t working anyway – and just ask the Holy Spirit to be with me as I stumble and struggle and do my best. Paul, too, realized it was not all about him and said, “When I am weak, I am strong.” What does that mean?

When we realize we’re weak, that we have a lot to learn, we can open our heart and mind to what the Spirit is telling us, what people around us and our experiences are trying to teach us, and that’s how we become strong. Open hearts, open minds, and open doors – our Methodist slogan – is what strengthens us. It’s what spiritual humility is all about.

Spiritual humility is realizing, “It’s not all about me” and that’s a delightful thing. Humility has been called the master virtue because it’s all about letting go of our ego and our fears and welcoming in the Holy Spirit. Spiritual humility isn’t about thinking less of ourselves, it’s about thinking of ourselves less. When I’m wasting time ruminating about my issues I can say, “Stop, it isn’t all about me,” remember that I am more than my negative thoughts and take a sanity break. I can think about the fruits of the spirit – love, joy, peace, forbearance, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control – and how I can develop those fruits and share them with others. I can think about how I can serve others, not how I can be served.

Mary Oliver, a poet who knew what it meant to struggle with issues, wrote “Attention is the beginning of devotion.” She had found that shifting her focus to the beauty of the earth, nature, and God’s creation allowed light to shine in her darkness. Paying attention to that which heals – nature, music, service, kindness – takes the focus off that which hurts. It strengthens us.

Spiritual humility means we are strong enough to share our gifts even though we may fail and fall flat on our face; it means we are strong enough to admit we don’t know everything, that we have issues, and we need help. When we are honest about our issues, when we face them with courage and compassion, knowing we are unconditionally loved, forgiven, and always learning, we keep our issues from turning into big buts. Instead, our issues bring us closer to God, closer to those with whom we share our concerns, and closer to our true calling. As God told Paul, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.”

Paul’s ability to handle his thorn, his issues, had its foundation in the love of God and he wrote in Romans 8: 38-39 the passage I will close with:

38I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, 39 neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord. Romans 8: 38-39.

I pray we will open our hearts, feel God’s love, and embrace grace.