Tag: peace

Is Revenge Addiction a Public Health Crisis?

Published on by Christy HeacockLeave a comment

Last time I went to a movie theater I was appalled and alarmed when preview after preview was filled with anger and violence. So much of our entertainment, as well as our politics, centers around vengeance.

I’m a proponent of forgiveness and just mercy as a much wiser way to deal with offensive behavior than revenge, but hadn’t thought about our culture’s desire for vengeance as a public health crisis until I listened to James Kimmel, Jr. –  lawyer and lecturer in psychiatry at the Yale School of Medicine – talk about his book, The Science of Revenge, on Neil DeGrasse Tyson’s podcast, Star Talk. Kimmel contends many of us are addicted to revenge and it’s creating a violent, unstable nation and world.

Kimmel notes that our culture too often glorifies retribution. Action films are often revenge films that equate avengers with justice seekers. But is revenge just?

I looked up synonyms for revenge. My search did NOT display “justice,” but did list terms such as spite, venom, bitterness, and hatred. So why are we exalting it? Neuroscientists tell us we receive a hit of the addictive and pleasurable chemical dopamine when we retaliate and feel avenged for a real or perceived wrong.  I admit, as a human, that revenge is fleetingly pleasurable. That pleasure, Kimmel explains, is why we can become addicted to it.

Getting even can be cruelly satisfying, even if our vengeance is misplaced. We may kick the dog, abuse a family member, bomb another country in our quest to satisfy our revenge addiction and experience that delightful hit of dopamine.

The desire for revenge is part of our biological survival toolkit. Fighting threats to our existence and protecting our group are natural instincts. Consequences for breaking social norms are adaptive. But revenge is simply reacting viciously when we are hurt, feel threatened, or are fearful. Upshifting our thinking to our prefrontal cortex and reflecting on the best way to ensure our survival and solve our problems is a wiser strategy.

Humiliation can lead to compulsive revenge seeking. When our dignity is threatened, our identity disrespected, we experience both mental and physical pain. Grievances hurt. We may turn to revenge which, like alcohol, gambling, pornography, etc., can bring relief for a short time. The temporary enjoyment revenge brings takes away whatever pain we’re trying to escape from.

It’s so human to feel satisfaction when someone who’s hurt us receives what we believe is their deserved punishment. An eye for an eye seems just, even if it does make the whole world blind.

In the short term, we may be obsessed with our dopamine hit and ignore the brutal long-term consequences of vengeance. We may reassure ourselves those people we’ve labeled bad will surely learn their lesson if severely punished and the world will be safer for us good people. It’s more likely, however, that those people will also feel humiliated and want retribution. The cycle of violence will continue until someone has the courage and wisdom to put a stop to it.

We fuel our addictions by telling ourselves stories that justify our behavior. With a revenge addiction, we may contend we’re victims and revenge will change that. And it does. We become avengers who create victims and compete in a game of competitive victimhood. Each side claims they have the right and justification to hurt the other. Victimhood turns us into villains.

What gives me hope, but also dismays me, is how easy it is to see those revenge synonyms – spite, venom, bitterness, hatred – in others but not recognize them in ourselves. Hope because that means we’re aware of the evil in revenge. Dismay because it’s so easy to project our own failings onto others.

Anna Freud, Sigmund’s daughter, was a psychologist who wrote about defense mechanisms. Projection (being one of them) is when we attribute our own undesirable thoughts and feelings to others to avoid confronting and owning them ourselves. For example, we may feel it is unacceptable to hate someone, so instead of examining our feelings, we simply project our negative emotions unto others and say, “They are the ones being hateful.  Not me.”  

So what do we do about our tendency to turn to anger and revenge when we feel fearful, humiliated, out of control?

Kimmel says forgiveness is the way to free ourselves of a revenge addiction. Doing so will help rid us of a disastrous public health problem.

Have you heard the phrase, “work smarter, not harder?” That phrase isn’t very useful when it comes to forgiveness because forgiveness may take hard work. However, if we change that advice to “work smarter AND harder” it will help us overcome our revenge addiction.

Why work smarter? Because combining justice with mercy and compassion is a much better solution than revenge if our goal is a kinder, safer world. Why work harder? Because it takes effort to shut down our revenge cravings and activate our self-control circuitry. Evil arises from the human condition itself that, unless tamed, compels us to simply hurt those who we believe have hurt us or could hurt us.

We can choose to follow the advice of the prophet Micah who was asked the question, “What does God require of us?” He advised us to act justly, love mercy, and walk humbly with our God. If we strive for justice at the same time as we love mercy and are humble, we can break the cycle of vengeance and experience the joy that emanates from kindness and compassion. Dopamine, oxytocin, and serotonin are neurochemicals that make us feel good and are released when we experience and perform acts of kindness.

Choosing forgiveness over revenge means accepting there is injustice in the world but it does NOT mean excusing or condoning it – in others or in ourselves. It means working for justice with empathy and humility.

Forgiveness promotes healing and empowers our moral and emotional development. It’s about transformation and will help us create a world in which we care about each other more than fear each other. We can follow the biblical teaching to love our neighbors as ourselves without restricting access to our neighborhood.

Kimmel calls revenge the world’s deadliest addiction. Our current obsession with violence as entertainment and using blame as a way to solve problems will simply crush our spirits, damage our souls, and harm our communities. It’s a public health crisis that will require resources and education so we adopt healthy, ethical ways to deal with conflict and threats to our dignity.

There’s hope. We each have the power to be kind, generous, compassionate, and forgiving. We can create a peaceful, joyful world if we’re willing to overcome our addiction to revenge. As Gandhi famously said, “Be the change you want to see in the world.”

Forgiving Is For Giving

Published on by Christy HeacockLeave a comment

We forgive so we can become transformed – more peaceful and joyful, less fearful and angry. When we are buried in shame or full of bitterness, our pain ends up hurting those we love and those who love us. Forgiving people open their hearts, shine a light for others, love freely, and give generously.

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If you are interested in forgiveness coaching or joining a forgiveness conversations group, please message me. Being human is hard, but learning to forgive makes it easier.

Why Can’t We All Just Get Along?

Published on by Christy HeacockLeave a comment

I’ve taught a variety of math and psychology courses to high school and college students over the years. Some people have been impressed that I teach math but unimpressed that I teach what they consider the trivial, common-sense subject of psychology. However, we humans have figured out the math necessary for space travel, but still haven’t discovered how to live in peace. We’ve developed complex weapons of mass destruction but remain baffled as to how to keep from using them. So I wonder, which is more difficult, more important: math or psychology?

Psychology is the scientific study of our mental states and processes as well as our behaviors. We’re affected by both our biology and our environment. In order to create an environment where we can all get along, we need to understand our neurobiology. We are less likely to be tricked or manipulated when we are aware of how our minds work. Without awareness, we may become captive to instincts and subconscious processes that may or may not be useful to us.

I’ve selected four human characteristics that affect our ability to get along, starting with what psychologists like to call our reptilian brain, the home of our survival instincts.

Survival Instincts

Our reptilian brain contains our limbic system. It’s good at reacting quickly and spotting danger – real or imaginary. It’s essential to our safety, but it also gets us in lots of trouble when we aren’t in control of it. We should never make it our CEO (chief executive officer). When it comes to decision making, our cerebral cortex, which contains our frontal lobe and executive functions, is far better able to help us reach rational decisions. When anxiety or fear is getting the best of us, we can find ways to calm ourselves and upshift our thinking to areas of the brain equipped for productive problem solving.

The Binary Instinct – Us Versus Them Thinking

Complex, deep thinking takes time and perseverance. It’s easier to put things in two distinct categories (black and white – no gray, please) and decide between them. So when it comes to issues, we are propelled by our genetics to either win or lose, be right or wrong. For example. . . Immigrants are good or bad. My political party is good, the other one is bad.  The people who hurt me are all bad, and I refuse to see any good in them. I’m too busy, perhaps too angry as well, to think any further. Quit bothering me with specifics or facts that go against what I believe is correct.

Mirror Neurons – Observational Learning

We are copycats. This often works very well for us, which is why it’s part of our biological heritage. As children, we automatically learn by watching our parents and those around us. But as a parent, I sometimes resemble the remark, “If I can’t be a good example, at least I can be a horrible warning.” The world is full of poor role models. This, however, does not stop us from copying them. You insult me, I insult you back. You hurt me, I hurt you or whoever else happens to be handy. Abused or oppressed people sometimes end up doing unto others the same immoral act as was done unto them, never thinking about how crazy it is to be mimicking bad behavior.

Need to Belong – Submission to Authority

The greatest crimes in the world are not committed by people breaking the rules but by people following the rules. It’s people who follow orders that drop bombs and massacre villages.
― Banksy, Wall and Piece

We need each other. That can be a good thing. Or, as Banksy points out, it can be catastrophic. We follow authority so we can remain part of a group, so we can belong. It feels virtuous to know we’re one of the “good” people who follow our righteous leaders on what we’re convinced is the correct moral pathway. We are led to believe there are exceptions to the Golden Rule; limits to values like forgiveness, compassion, and generosity. And so, we’re willing to kill and harm people we don’t know. People who are sons, daughters, mothers, fathers. Why? Because we’re told it’s the right thing to do and we want to do the right thing.

The disappearance of a sense of responsibility is the most far-reaching consequence of submission to authority.
― Stanley Milgram, Psychologist

Stanley Milgram researched obedience. You can read about his work here. He found that kind, caring people could do awful, mean things if ordered to do so by an authority figure they trust. We need to belong because we aren’t equipped to survive on our own. But if we want a peaceful world, a happy home, we will need to examine the directives we are given from authority sources and determine whether they truly match our values. We need to be careful who we follow.

How Can We All Just Get Along?

It’s the economy, stupid! Make War and Violence Less Profitable

Dwight D. Eisenhower, WWII general and former president of the United States, warned us about the military-industrial complex. Armament manufacturing and military bases play a huge part in our economy. If we were conducting our battles with dialogue and negotiations instead of guns, bombs, drones, etc., powerful people would fear for their bank accounts. The people making money on violence generally aren’t the ones suffering from PTSD, service-connected diseases or injuries, destruction of their homes and communities, loss of loved ones.

We obviously need a military and Eisenhower wasn’t talking about doing away with the defense industry. He was warning us of the need to be vigilant in monitoring the military-industrial complex because he recognized it was vulnerable to the abuse of power.

Dramatize More Stories of Peace, Justice, and Reconciliation

Violent conflict resolution is profitable, plus dramatic and exciting. Brutal movies sell and appeal to our reptilian brain. War stories involving bravery and victory are inspirational. But if we really want to all get along, how about more moving, inspiring stories of courageous people who have achieved peace and justice through dialogue and finding common ground? Stories in which people have had the courage to humanize their “enemies” and solve problems nonviolently.

Fix the Problem, Not the Blame

Blaming and shaming don’t lead to innovative solutions because they’re reactions, not answers. We’re mad because things didn’t go our way, so we get wrapped up in our egos, take offense, and end up off course, somewhere in the weeds. One way to avoid this is by adopting what’s been called the Chatham House rule. The goal is to focus on the issue only, not individual personalities or labels. When you speak your opinion, your identity is protected (names are not connected to ideas), so you don’t have to worry about being attacked and you don’t have to compete for a win. You work to resolve an issue productively and remind yourself, “It’s not all about me.”

Teach the Benefits of Dialogue versus Debate

Dialogue is a cooperative process with the goal of exchanging information and building a collective perspective. Debate is competitive and is often more concerned about winning than truth. Dialogue considers the dignity of all and involves civil discourse; debate often belittles the other person.

Civil discourse means constructive dialogue and that is much tougher than uncivil discourse, in which we give our reptilian brain free reign. Civil discourse means listening to different perspectives, respecting others, taming our fearful instincts, and putting time and effort into genuine understanding. We attack issues, not people. Tackle problems, not our neighbors. We’re more curious than judgmental; more compassionate than vengeful.

Math is important, but understanding psychology is essential to our survival. It teaches us how we can all just get along.

Photo credit to Viktor Aheiei

Humility Is a Superpower

Published on by Christy HeacockLeave a comment

We come nearest to the great when we are great in humility.

~ Rabindranath Tagore (Bengali writer awarded a Nobel prize in literature)

“You don’t understand. Arabs aren’t like us. Their mothers don’t care for their children like ours do. Their leaders don’t protect them like ours do.” I was on a plane returning to the USA from a United Methodist Mission trip to Israel and the Palestinian West Bank. My seat happened to be in the middle of two Jewish Israeli citizens and I listened to the two men describe their fears and beliefs about Palestinian Arabs.

I’d had the opportunity to visit with a variety of people on my trip. People who identified as Jewish, Christian, and Muslim; Israeli and Palestinian Arabs. Our conversations centered around peace and justice, and I think they all had mothers who loved them dearly. I didn’t talk to members of Hamas. If I had, I would likely have heard remarks about Israelis similar to the ones I heard from my seatmates about Arabs.

I shared with my new Israeli companions that I’d met many wonderful people of different faiths and ethnicities during my travels. They weren’t impressed. “Of course, there’s a few good ones,” one responded, and the other nodded agreement.

I understood the men’s fear. Antisemitism has been and continues to be a real threat to peace and safety. But so is anti-Arab sentiment, anti-Muslim, anti-Palestinian, anti-Christian, and the list goes on and on. Our instincts tell us it’s “us against them.” But all the military might – the weapons, bombs, and drones that allow us to kill people we don’t know but somehow still hate – won’t bring real peace or safety. Wars create bitterness. Violence and oppression produce rage and terrorism.

I told my airline seatmates that I studied and taught about the wisdom (not the politics) of the world’s major religions and felt there was beauty and much for us imperfect humans to learn in all of them. They were skeptical. I get it. We humans are programmed to be fearful. We defend ourselves against people who we believe don’t think or act like we do. That’s what helps us survive.

Until it doesn’t.

Human history is full of war and violence. The idea that we need to fiercely fight an enemy for our freedoms seems firmly entrenched in our psyche. Our belief in the efficacy and necessity of war has not changed over the centuries. But technological advancements in the weapons of war have made the destruction of the human species a real possibility. We need to put forth a powerful effort to solve our conflicts differently.

That’s where the superpower of humility comes in. The major religions promote humility. Not as a weakness. Just the opposite. As a strength. The superpower of humility means we’re able to overcome our fears and have the confidence and self-control necessary to listen to those who challenge us, hurt us, and make us oh, so mad. Those whom we don’t understand – but we could if we put forth the effort.

Humility isn’t easy. It’s hard to hear ideas we believe are harmful. It’s hard to listen to people we fear will hurt us. But if we don’t listen, we won’t understand. And if we don’t understand, we’ll fix the blame instead of fixing the problem. We’ll keep fighting or fleeing when faced with tough situations and never resolve core issues.

When I returned from my travels to Israel and Palestine, I joined the Jewish Voice for Peace, a group which believes that ending apartheid in Israel and condemning all racism, not just antisemitism, is the way to keep Israel and the Jewish people safe. They  “envision a world where all people — from the U.S. to Palestine — live in freedom, justice, equality, and dignity.”

Christianity’s Jesus gave us a tough message. He said, “Love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you.” Those words were meant to protect us and help us look upon each other with compassion and empathy so we could solve conflicts without harming each other. So clouds of misunderstanding could be lifted and we could communicate with respect.

When we respect the dignity of others and they respect us, fear diminishes. Our rational brain kicks in and finds a way to create solutions that don’t harden our hearts and destroy our souls. We produce answers that don’t rely on death and devastation; that don’t create a cycle of revenge.

On a personal level, humility is a superpower that brings us peace of mind. We let go of the fear we are not good enough, or the desire to be better than others, and can just be our unique selves. We can fail and make mistakes without beating up on ourselves, because we accept the fact that we are only human and doing the best we can.

 A favorite Bible verse of mine is Micah 6:8 because it answers a question many of us have: How should we live our lives? The advice given is simply to act justly, love mercy, and walk humbly with your God.  

When we walk humbly with our God, we seek justice and we defend ourselves. But we do so with grace and compassion, knowing we all struggle and are always learning. Knowing that when we hurt another, we hurt ourselves.

When we listen well and extend dignity to all, we will be blessed with new insights, innovative ideas, and unexpected friendships. Humility is the superpower that enables peace in our personal lives and in our world. It’s what makes us great.

Photo by Vicky Sim at Unsplash

How To Avoid “Troubles”

Published on by Christy HeacockLeave a comment

 We in the United States have been experiencing troubles. “Troubles” is a term used to describe public unrest and disorder. On January 6th, we witnessed the storming of our Capitol and violent attacks on Congress. Riots and protests brought on by racial injustice, mass shootings, and hate groups fuel our troubles. Conspiracy theories and the spreading of dangerous misinformation spark our troubles.

Amidst our troubles, South Dakota governor Kristi Noem persuaded the state’s legislature to spend almost one million dollars to establish a new South Dakota Civics curriculum. She said the “common mission and key objective needs to be explaining why the USA is the most special nation in the history of the world.”

That comment made me recall a Pickles cartoon in which Grandma tells Grandson, “You’re unique and special, just like everybody else.” Some people believe in American exceptionalism – we’re the best and the brightest ever – but what about the people who question that or who think every nation is special in its own way?

If our mission is to teach students the USA is the most special nation in the history of the world, are we going to let students use their critical thinking skills to analyze that statement – or will we insist they accept American exceptionalism and feed them only information that supports that goal?

I’m proud of the ingenuity, tenaciousness, and strength my pioneer ancestors demonstrated as they survived and even thrived on the Dakota prairie. They came from Sweden, Great Britain, Germany, Russia, and who knows where else, and they worked hard to create a better life in what was to them a new land full of much needed opportunity. But I’m not going to deny the slave ship captain in the family tree that was discovered by my historian uncle, or ignore the duplicity and inhumanity that allowed European immigrants to acquire the land of the Indigenous people.

It’s natural to want to feel good about ourselves and our nation, but not at the expense of truth and excellent reasoning skills. If we’re truly patriots who love America, we embrace our country, warts and all, and accept the fact that all people – and nations – have strengths and weaknesses. If we can’t be honest about our mistakes, our faults, our ignorance, because we’re clinging so tightly to our superior identity, we won’t be able to develop, to adapt, and to learn from anyone whose viewpoint is different from ours. 

From 1968 to1998, Northern Ireland experienced the conflict commonly called “The Troubles,” a turbulent time in which a low-level war was fought between Catholics (Irish nationalists) and Protestants (British unionists). Catholics wished Northern Ireland would become one with the Republic of Ireland and Protestants wanted to remain part of the United Kingdom.

I visited Northern Ireland several years ago and learned that the Catholic position in The Troubles did not necessarily have anything to do with religion. As our taxi driver stated, “I’m Catholic, but I’m not religious.” The Troubles resulted from a history of injustice and prejudice, and they were eased through cooperative efforts to reduce anger and promote greater fairness throughout society.   

Northern Ireland suffered The Troubles because Protestants thought they were more special than Catholics and vice versa. But The Troubles became less troubling when Queen Elizabeth apologized for the injustices her government had inflicted on the Irish Catholics. On my tour of the Republic of Ireland, our Irish tour guide became quite emotional as she expressed her gratitude for Queen Elizabeth’s acknowledgement of oppressive actions and injustice on the part of the British. When someone sincerely apologizes and takes responsibility for the harm that was done, fear is reduced, and trust can be established. We really can’t trust someone who isn’t aware of the pain they have caused, because people are unable to change if they do not recognize what needs changing.

Education for Mutual Understanding was a program established in schools in Northern Ireland to ease The Troubles and they are currently promoting a curriculum entitled “Integration Works – Transforming Your Schools.” Students are taught to listen and empathize and are given skills to help them respond to personal and systemic injustice with compassion and creativity instead of anger and aggression. Healthy forgiveness is emphasized, meaning having the courage to confront issues with a genuine desire to understand, while working for peaceful solutions beneficial to all. Students are not taught that one group is more special than another but are instead asked to respect the inherent worth of all people.

Our brains are programmed for survival in wild environments and therefore our default system leads us to revenge, aggression, and competitiveness as we fear we won’t have enough resources or will be harmed by “the others.” We may grasp conspiracy theories instead of scientific explanations because they fit our preconceived notions and biases and require less effort to understand.

To avoid troubles, we need education that helps us understand how our brain works and that improves our thinking skills. Misinformation and conspiracy theories are dangerous, but the good news is we can be taught how to evaluate information and search for valid, reliable sources. We can learn skills that help us appreciate different perspectives and develop the ability to disagree without being disagreeable.

While teaching high school, I encountered students who were surprised to learn they could be angry without lashing out or running away. Because I didn’t lose my temper (usually, anyway) they assumed I was never angry. I assured them I did get angry, and we talked about ways to be assertive instead of aggressive or passive – to control our anger so it doesn’t control us.

I remember a situation in which students in rival gangs were invited into a mediation session that focused on creating win/win solutions. Students were amazed to discover that their foes had feelings and concerns much like their own. What was the secret to their discovery? One student explained, “I’d never listened without interrupting. I’d just assumed I knew what the others were thinking, and I only cared about what I thought.” Members of each side were able to express themselves without interference, and they then worked on fixing the problem, not the blame.

In that mediation session, the students were forced to listen to each other. The desire to listen compassionately to those outside our in-group doesn’t come naturally. Why? Because we may hear something that could upset our view of the world and our cherished beliefs. Changing our thoughts and behaviors is stressful. We worry about what our in-group will think. We could lose relationships and important connections if we’re seen as sympathetic to “those people” – the others who aren’t like us.

But it can be exciting and freeing to break down the wall we’ve constructed with the building blocks of fear, unclench our fists, quit gnashing our teeth, and let new insights and awareness flow through us. There is freedom in forgiveness and there is joy in learning and discovering.

Recently, Northern Ireland has again been plagued with violence. Brexit and economic problems have sparked rioting. These new troubles remind us our ability to effectively resolve conflict needs constant work and effort. Our mental and spiritual health requires tending in the same way our physical health does. If we do not keep working on our forgiveness and peaceful problem-solving skills, they will atrophy and our fight-or-flight instincts will predominate.

If we truly want a peaceful, just world where all human beings are respected and treated fairly and kindly, we won’t choose a curriculum that dictates one nation or one type of person is more unique and special than another. That’s the type of curriculum that was taught in Germany and Japan before World War II. If we want to avoid troubles, we will teach our students how to be kind, respectful, generous, and forgiving to everyone, not just to their own group. We will give them the skills needed to analyze and evaluate information.

And we will remind them they are unique and special, just like everyone else.