I was losing at a game of cards with my family and jokingly remarked that it was destroying my self-confidence. My daughter responded, “I’m not worried. You have plenty of confidence.”
I looked at her, puzzled. Me? Confident? That’s not a term I’ve ever used to describe myself and I was surprised she would use it.
Her comment probably had to do with my being a bossy mother rather than a daring risk-taker, but she got me thinking. From childhood to young adulthood, I was often described as shy or insecure. Not self-assured and positive about myself – two definitions of confident.
It surprised me to realize that as I’ve aged, I’ve come closer to the definition of confident. I asked myself why and concluded it’s because I’ve become more forgiving of myself and others.
That doesn’t mean I’m better at making excuses for my mistakes or pardoning myself when I’ve done wrong. It’s the opposite. I’m better at owning my errors and taking responsibility for my role in problems. The difference is I try not to beat myself or anyone else up for simply being human. I’ve surrendered to the fact that I will mess up, say the wrong thing, and fail. That’s how I learn. In fact, that’s how we’re created to learn; through experience and struggle.
We are not born programmed with all the information needed for a perfect life. Observing, reasoning, exploring, and doing are how we learn. Errors are inevitable. Self-forgiveness gives us the confidence needed to handle those errors without debilitating shame.
We may tell ourselves, “You should have known better.” But if we’d known better, we would have done better. Failure’s not what’s important. Learning from it is. When we focus on learning from our mistakes, we gain the confidence to try new things and the resilience needed to cope with life’s trials. We can do our best without unnecessary worry about the results.
Self-forgiveness and self-compassion lessen our fear of being vulnerable. We can open ourselves up to supportive relationships and comfort ourselves with the knowledge that we are not alone. Being human is hard for all of us.
The confidence I have is powered by grace, not by achievement.
The world’s religions and wisdom traditions speak of grace as the source of hope and renewal. Different cultures view it as a positive force that awakens compassion and connects us to the divine. Grace assures us we have inherent worth and empowers our ability to forgive.
Grace-powered confidence is different from ego-powered confidence. Ego-powered confidence is fueled by wins, accolades, and being right. When things are going our way, it’s easy to feel confident. When they’re not, our feelings of self-worth may plummet.
People who are constantly blaming and criticizing may appear confident. They may be influential and powerful. But are they sure of their problem-solving ability or sure the problem must be someone else’s fault? Are they taking responsibility or fearing responsibility? Are they sure they’re right or unable to admit when they’re wrong?
When challenged, we all need to ask ourselves if we are searching for truth or defending our egos. Are we trying to fix a problem or fix the blame?
Our egos may drive us to desire superiority over others and to take revenge on those who hurt or disagree with us. It takes self-control, a virtue in all the world’s religions and wisdom traditions, to reject damaging ego-driven behaviors.
Forgiveness has broken many chains from my past that have held me back and shaken my confidence. I’ve seriously messed up and made heartbreaking mistakes. Regret still makes me sad, but regrets mean I’ve recognized my blunders and weaknesses, and that’s what opens me up to the beauty of transformation. Without my struggles, I’d have less empathy and compassion for others. I wouldn’t like myself as much and I wouldn’t be as strong.
When we choose to become forgiving of ourselves and others, we gain the confidence to speak up when it’s important, listen to diverse opinions, and change our minds if we deem it wise. We free ourselves from the fear that we’re not good enough just because our past is flawed and we’re still figuring out our future.
It’s hard for me to think of myself as confident. I still worry and have doubts about my abilities. But I do believe that forgiveness leads us out of darkness into the light – which is a place of confidence. A place where we feel assured of our inherent worth and positive about our ability to learn, grow, and love.
