Category: self-help

Self-Forgiveness Opens the Door to Forgiving Others

Published on by Christy HeacockLeave a comment

Never be defined by your past. It was just a lesson, not a life sentence.

~Tiny Buddha

Forgiving is for giving. Self-forgiveness can be a life-changing gift we give ourselves that opens the door to forgiving others. If we haven’t experienced compassion and grace ourselves, how can we share it with others?

Forgiving ourselves is hard, and that’s a good thing. We need to feel remorse when we’ve caused pain or injustice. We don’t want to function like sociopaths who have no anxiety or guilt when they harm others. But we need to take on the difficult task of forgiving ourselves so we don’t hide in shame, or even worse, deny our wrongdoing and blame others for our offensive behavior or mistakes.

If we can’t forgive ourselves, we generally journey down one of two destructive paths. I call them The Dead-End Road of Shame and The Abusive Highway of Blame.

Following the Dead-End Road of Shame is different than admitting guilt. Guilt is a motivator that drives us to understand our behavior and decide to do better. Learning from our missteps is productive and allows us to grow and evolve.

Shame, however, means believing we are “bad” and unworthy of forgiveness. We believe our past mistakes and transgressions are fatal and use them as a reason to give up, become stagnant, and isolate ourselves. Shame hurts our relationships. It prevents us from sharing the joy of unconditional grace and the peace that comes with accepting our limitations.

The Abusive Highway of Blame is traveled when we don’t have the courage to own our mistakes and bad behavior. If we fear judgment or punishment because of something we’ve done, finding a way out of our mess that doesn’t involve taking responsibility and admitting wrongdoing may define our journey.   Blaming others is an attempt to stay out of trouble. However, it keeps us from forgiving others because that would mean we have to quit blaming them and become accountable for our actions.

A manipulative tactic sometimes used on the Abusive Highway is what Professor Jennifer Freyd calls DARVO: Deny, Attack, and Reverse Victim and Offender. If we’d rather be right than truthful and are afraid to acknowledge what we’ve done, we may deny, attack, and step into the sinister scenario of accusing those we’ve hurt of being the “real” offenders. We may claim those we’ve offended deserve our abuse or are falsely accusing us of wrongdoing. This strategy is especially harmful when DARVO warriors are attacking vulnerable people who lack the confidence to stand up for themselves.

When DARVO is used politically, it may lead to competitive victimhood. “You started it.” “No, you did.” “It’s your fault.” “No, it’s your fault.” Each side attacks the other self-righteously and protectively. Refusing to listen. Refusing to admit any wrongdoing or mistakes. Refusing to cooperate and collaborate.

Our life journey becomes more joyful and kind when we reject the Dead-End Road of Shame and the Abusive Highway of Blame and choose instead to follow the Path of Forgiveness. We replace shame and blame with courage and compassion and create a new story in which we move forward with honesty and integrity. We reclaim our dignity.

The foundation of forgiveness is acceptance of the messiness of the human condition. Forgiveness is built on the knowledge that we normal, imperfect humans must learn through struggle and errors.

Bad behavior doesn’t mean we’re bad people. We can learn and grow by understanding why our actions failed or were hurtful. We can figure out how to do better in the future. Only when we know better will we be able to do better.  

The ability to forgive ourselves for our human deficiencies frees us from an overemphasis on perfection and allows us to enjoy discovery and innovation. Jonathan Biss, concert pianist, wrote an opinion piece for the NY Times lamenting that classical musicians are trained to prevent mistakes, but they aren’t trained to talk to God. He explained, “You cannot learn or grow while trying to appear as if you have everything figured out. You cannot talk to God by trying to avoid doing something wrong.”

In other words, if we’re afraid to listen to our inner, spiritual voice because we fear messing up, we will miss out on magical moments and creative breakthroughs. Unrealistic expectations and a quest for perfection may imprison us and block the excitement and curiosity that naturally occur when we’re embracing the pleasures of learning and finding joy in the mysteries of life. 

Beatrice Wood, American artist and studio potter, said “My life is full of mistakes. They’re like pebbles that make a good road.” Pebbles are the aggregate that makes roads resilient. Mistakes can do the same for us.

The roads we follow are unique. Sometimes pebbles feel more like boulders that are impossible to move. All our journeys contain regrets, grief, and sadness. We struggle with darkness, but the good news is we can replace it with light and build something new. That’s what the forgiveness process is all about.

Self-forgiveness is not about pardoning ourselves or anyone else for wrongdoing, and it’s not about forgetting what happened. It’s the opposite. It’s about accepting imperfection, stepping on our pride, and taking responsibility for our feelings and actions. It’s about dropping facades and opening our hearts to love fully. It’s about resilience, because we’re not afraid to try new things, reach out to others, and evolve.

The path of forgiveness leads to transformation and becoming our genuine selves. When we do that, we have nothing to hide and no one to blame.

Give yourself the gift of forgiveness. And be sure to pass on the joy and peace it brings you to others.

Photo by Harli Marten on Unsplash

The Joy of Love Is My Strength

Published on by Christy HeacockLeave a comment

The large, fluffy white dog was so patient, staying close to his elderly friend who walked very slowly with the help of a cane. He was joined by a woman, who also stayed close by his side. The man, whom I’d greeted for many years on my own walks, used to stride unaided at a fast clip. I understood. Walking a beloved dog through a beautiful park is pure joy and not something you give up just because your body complains of aches and pains.

The scene I observed that morning raised my spirit and brightened my mood, which was rather sour after reading news headlines proclaiming terrible things we humans do to each other. As I drove by, the song “The Joy of the Lord Is My Strength,” played on the radio. My mind quickly transformed the words to “The Joy of Love Is My Strength.”  I envision God as the Spirit of love, not a lord or king. Acts of loving kindness strengthen my faith and give me hope.

Later that day I was listening to a news podcast interviewing Christian nationalists and quoting Elon Musk, who has said that “the fundamental weakness of Western civilization is empathy.” They discussed what Joe Rigney, a fellow of theology at New St. Andrews College, has called “the sin of empathy.”  This was the first I’d heard about the idea that empathy could be wicked.

I learned that those who consider empathy as something that can be taken to a sinful extreme believe that when we immerse ourselves in the feelings of others we lose our ability to rationally consider what’s truly good for them. We may abandon our beliefs and judgments when committing the sin of empathy.

So what is empathy?

The Merriam Webster Dictionary defines empathy as “the action of understanding, being aware of, being sensitive to, and vicariously experiencing the feelings, thoughts, and experience of another.”

Understanding, awareness, and sensitivity do affect our thinking. If I can’t feel empathy for others’ suffering, I may make choices that benefit me and my group only. If I refuse to try to understand the feelings, thoughts, and experiences of others, it will be easy for me to make cruel, unfair decisions concerning them. If I’m not sensitive to the needs of someone whose land or resources I want to take, my conscience can be clear, moral integrity intact. That’s why attempts are made to desensitize soldiers to killing before we send them off to break one of the Ten Commandments.

Those interviewed were especially concerned about how empathy affects people’s thinking about immigrants, the LGBTQ+ population, and others who may be suffering. They warned that empathy can lead to excessive compassion and the fear is, instead of helping those who are suffering, we will instead fall into a pit with them. They warned we must not get caught up in feelings (I assume strong feelings against empathy are okay) but instead hold fast to our beliefs and judgments so we can do good.

One of my beliefs is that empathy is important and the podcast made me even more convinced that engaging in empathy is valuable to decision making. Being sensitive to the feelings and experiences of people in the LGBTQ+ community has helped me eliminate fears that could cloud my thinking. Time spent with English language learners has provided me with a better understanding of why people enter the United States and how they benefit our communities. Truly listening to people with different needs and perspectives from my own has expanded my awareness. I would feel “sinful” if I judged people I hadn’t taken the time to understand. 

Forgiveness requires empathy. The Sacred Lakota Pipe Carrier I interviewed regarding forgiveness realized lack of knowledge regarding American Indians led to prejudice and injustice. She didn’t like being judged by people who didn’t understand her and didn’t want to become like them. She said, “Nobody is going to make me hate.”  

Without enough empathy we get caught up in condemning others and proving our side – our people – are the right ones, the superior ones. The “others” are a scapegoat for our problems and a foe to defeat. The value of cooperation and collaboration are forgotten as we battle to win or lose, not to reach a wise decision that considers all perspectives.

Have you ever been told you’re too nice? I’ve found being too nice means going along with someone or something so I don’t suffer. It’s easier to say “yes” than argue with someone. We don’t want to make people mad, lose a friendship or job. So we go along to get along. Empathy makes it harder for us to go along with cruel, unfair actions.

Bleeding heart and do-gooder are terms that may indicate we’re trying to make ourselves feel good by doing good to others. Nothing wrong with that. However, without empathy, we may not truly understand another’s needs. The danger is we may make people feel incompetent or helpless, increasing their dependence on us for our own gain instead of providing them with dignity and opportunity.

Empathy helps us understand what someone needs and what they don’t need. It keeps us from judging people we don’t know by anything other than a label.

In an “us versus them” world, we may believe a powerful, harsh lord or king is needed to protect us. But the joy of the Lord, as described in the Bible under chapters 8 and 9 of Nehemiah, is delight in a loving God that is forgiving, gracious, and compassionate. It sounds like an empathetic God to me.

When I’m not feeling kind and loving, I’m not joyful nor am I strong. I’m weak because I’m wrapped up in my own ego and personal expectations. My heart and mind are closed for business because I’m too busy being angry and self-righteous. I’ve no energy for empathy because fear and anxiety have depleted me.

The woman and the dog who walked beside the man in the park understood what he needed and respected his dignity. They walked beside him, sharing in his love of nature, fresh air, exercise. They were sensitive to his feelings. That’s empathy. That’s the joy of a loving spirit that is our strength.

Why Boundaries Help Us Forgive

Published on by Christy HeacockLeave a comment

When we fail to set boundaries and hold people accountable, we feel used and mistreated. This is why we sometimes attack who they are, which is far more hurtful than addressing a behavior or a choice.”

~ Brene Brown, The Gift of Imperfection

A therapist told a friend of mine that some things are unforgiveable. She listed three abusive actions taken by my friend’s spouse that she should not forgive. I agreed that the actions in question were cruel and should certainly not be excused, overlooked, or condoned. The behaviors were hurtful and confirmation that her spouse could not be trusted. However . . .

Forgiveness is for people – not bad behavior.

People who are ignorant, stressed out, broken, struggling, hurting (words that describe all of us at some time or another) need forgiveness. We won’t move past bitterness and regrets until we learn how to forgive ourselves and others for the bad behaviors that come with being human. Forgiveness is about personal and spiritual growth.

We humans have the potential to become kinder and wiser, more respectful and understanding. However, during the process of becoming, we may be very irritating, disrespectful, unfair, cruel, and downright despicable. That’s why boundaries are so important.

Bad behavior needs to be confronted and how we do it is crucial. Setting boundaries doesn’t mean punishing people or telling them off; it means establishing consequences for hurtful actions. For example, I was caretaker for my father when, in his 90s, he needed assistance. My dad had many great qualities, but they didn’t include being calm and patient. He had trouble containing his anger and the aging process hadn’t helped. I didn’t want to feel like a victim – bitter and resentful – so I set boundaries.

I did what I needed to do to feel good about the care I was providing, even if my father didn’t agree with my decisions. If Dad became angry, I kept calm and didn’t chastise him. I simply left, but came back later when he’d had a chance to calm down.

Boundaries aren’t about what you do to someone. They’re about what you do for yourself. The boundaries I set with my father allowed me to be forgiving because I took away his power to hurt me. I didn’t feel like a victim because I’d taken responsibility for my choices.

Those who get angry when you set a boundary are the ones you need to set boundaries for.

~ J.S. Wolfe, The Pathology of Innocence

Setting boundaries takes courage. We likely will make someone mad, even though boundaries are good for all concerned.  Allowing unethical or abusive behavior to continue doesn’t help either party. It just reinforces bad behavior and allows it to continue. 

My friend won’t be able to forgive her spouse until she’s determined how to set boundaries that will protect her from getting hurt. She may need to end the relationship altogether. Forgiving someone doesn’t mean you have to reconcile. It’s important to be safe and have healthy relationships.

Perhaps one did not want to be loved so much as to be understood.

~George Orwell, 1984

George Orwell reminds us that if someone says they love us, but continually do things that hurt us, they don’t understand us. We rightly question love that doesn’t make an effort to care for us in a way that makes us feel valued and secure.

The forgiveness process helps us work through our fear and hurt. We experience growth as we learn more about ourselves and what we need for a life that provides us with dignity and supportive relationships.

Have you ever erupted in anger at someone? Was that someone not the cause of your anger but instead someone you felt secure around or who just happened to be in the wrong place at the wrong time? If we’re not courageous enough to confront the object of our hurt (perhaps they hold power over us, or perhaps we’re really mad at ourselves) we may displace our anger on those we believe will tolerate our bad behavior.

If we haven’t been honest with ourselves about the cause of our pain, the hurt we’re feeling builds up. The volcano inside us is in danger of exploding any minute. If we lock our emotions inside, they will devour us and cause physical health problems. Boundaries set in a compassionate, caring, firm manner help us avoid disaster.

Establishing guidelines and limits helps us with difficult conversations. Human beings will always have different perspectives and points of view and it’s important that we listen and understand each other. However, when people get insulting or threatening, communication breaks down and relationships collapse.

We can establish boundaries by agreeing to take turns listening. If emotions get out of hand, time outs can be taken. Openness to growth and desiring stronger relationships are keys to effective communication.

Setting boundaries requires us to look honestly at the role we’ve played in a painful situation.  Some of my hardest forgiveness work is in gaining the humility to admit I could have handled a situation better; that I’m part of the problem. Being able to acknowledge “I should have spoken up” or “I shouldn’t have done that” is what leads to growth.

Sometimes we become comfortable with our discomfort and lean into the definition of insanity credited to Albert Einstein: doing the same thing over and over again, expecting a different result.  That’s when a new story is needed. One that looks at our situation from a different point of view and creates a new and improved chapter in our life journey.

Have the courage to address bad behavior while remembering we all need to forgive and be forgiven. We’re learning and need help on our individual paths.

Healthy boundaries ease fears and establish trust. They set us on the path to genuine forgiveness.

photo by Suki Lee

Forgiving Is For Giving

Published on by Christy HeacockLeave a comment

We forgive so we can become transformed – more peaceful and joyful, less fearful and angry. When we are buried in shame or full of bitterness, our pain ends up hurting those we love and those who love us. Forgiving people open their hearts, shine a light for others, love freely, and give generously.

~~~

If you are interested in forgiveness coaching or joining a forgiveness conversations group, please message me. Being human is hard, but learning to forgive makes it easier.

Gain the Strength to Forgive Through Gratitude

Published on by Christy HeacockLeave a comment

Forgiving a major transgression is hard work. Just like a car needs fuel, we need an energy source that helps us process tough forgiveness issues. And just like a car, we need constant fueling. It’s not a “one and done.” Counting our blessings and appreciating whatever brings us joy (look for small treasures like a flower, a favorite food, a kind word) gives us the fuel we need to forgive and move forward.

Favorite Forgiveness Quotes

Published on by Christy HeacockLeave a comment

Forgiveness Isn’t About Forgetting,

It’s About Remembering Without Pain

When we’ve been hurt badly, trying to “just forget about it” doesn’t work. We need to learn from the pain and find ways to feel safe – whether from ourselves or from others. Forgiveness means creating a new story in which we no longer feel like a victim because we have become empowered by our courage, compassion, and creativity.

Favorite Forgiveness Quotes

Published on by Christy HeacockLeave a comment

However vast the darkness, we must supply our own light.

~Stanley Kubrick

Life can be extremely difficult and traumatic, and it can be hard to accept that. It’s natural to fight it and ruminate about darkness in our past that can’t be changed. Forgiveness provides us a way to escape gloom and bitterness and find our way to the light. Tough roads lead to beautiful destinations.

Favorite Forgiveness Quotes

Published on by Christy HeacockLeave a comment

Forgive yourself, you are not perfect.

Show yourself grace; you are still learning.

Show yourself patience; you are on a journey.

~Shannon Yvetter Tanner, Life-Empowerment Coach

Self-compassion gives us the courage to face our inadequacies and failures with kindness. It empowers us to move forward without the fear of not being good enough. When we accept ourselves as we are – perfectly imperfect humans with strengths and weaknesses – we experience the beauty of grace.

Favorite Forgiveness Quotes

Published on by Christy Heacock1 Comment

When tempted to judge and condemn,

Choose instead curiosity.

When tempted to hate and despise,

Choose instead compassion.

When we choose forgiveness, we make the decision to conquer our pride and our need to be right. We choose a path that requires effort, but that is oh, so very worth it. Curiosity and compassion allow us to view our problems from a wiser, kinder perspective.

Understanding Anger

Published on by Christy HeacockLeave a comment

My anger is trying to tell me something. Anger always carries information, but its message is seldom immediately clear. Befriending anger includes finding ways to retrieve this message.

~Evelyn Eaton Whitehead and James D. Whitehead

Our emotions hold the key to our souls. They give us clues as to what we need to know about our true selves. We can use those clues to understand ourselves better. Once we understand our anger, we can work on resolving whatever issues are causing it. And that leads to peace of mind, better relationships, and spiritual growth.