Tag: love

The Joy of Love Is My Strength

Published on by Christy HeacockLeave a comment

The large, fluffy white dog was so patient, staying close to his elderly friend who walked very slowly with the help of a cane. He was joined by a woman, who also stayed close by his side. The man, whom I’d greeted for many years on my own walks, used to stride unaided at a fast clip. I understood. Walking a beloved dog through a beautiful park is pure joy and not something you give up just because your body complains of aches and pains.

The scene I observed that morning raised my spirit and brightened my mood, which was rather sour after reading news headlines proclaiming terrible things we humans do to each other. As I drove by, the song “The Joy of the Lord Is My Strength,” played on the radio. My mind quickly transformed the words to “The Joy of Love Is My Strength.”  I envision God as the Spirit of love, not a lord or king. Acts of loving kindness strengthen my faith and give me hope.

Later that day I was listening to a news podcast interviewing Christian nationalists and quoting Elon Musk, who has said that “the fundamental weakness of Western civilization is empathy.” They discussed what Joe Rigney, a fellow of theology at New St. Andrews College, has called “the sin of empathy.”  This was the first I’d heard about the idea that empathy could be wicked.

I learned that those who consider empathy as something that can be taken to a sinful extreme believe that when we immerse ourselves in the feelings of others we lose our ability to rationally consider what’s truly good for them. We may abandon our beliefs and judgments when committing the sin of empathy.

So what is empathy?

The Merriam Webster Dictionary defines empathy as “the action of understanding, being aware of, being sensitive to, and vicariously experiencing the feelings, thoughts, and experience of another.”

Understanding, awareness, and sensitivity do affect our thinking. If I can’t feel empathy for others’ suffering, I may make choices that benefit me and my group only. If I refuse to try to understand the feelings, thoughts, and experiences of others, it will be easy for me to make cruel, unfair decisions concerning them. If I’m not sensitive to the needs of someone whose land or resources I want to take, my conscience can be clear, moral integrity intact. That’s why attempts are made to desensitize soldiers to killing before we send them off to break one of the Ten Commandments.

Those interviewed were especially concerned about how empathy affects people’s thinking about immigrants, the LGBTQ+ population, and others who may be suffering. They warned that empathy can lead to excessive compassion and the fear is, instead of helping those who are suffering, we will instead fall into a pit with them. They warned we must not get caught up in feelings (I assume strong feelings against empathy are okay) but instead hold fast to our beliefs and judgments so we can do good.

One of my beliefs is that empathy is important and the podcast made me even more convinced that engaging in empathy is valuable to decision making. Being sensitive to the feelings and experiences of people in the LGBTQ+ community has helped me eliminate fears that could cloud my thinking. Time spent with English language learners has provided me with a better understanding of why people enter the United States and how they benefit our communities. Truly listening to people with different needs and perspectives from my own has expanded my awareness. I would feel “sinful” if I judged people I hadn’t taken the time to understand. 

Forgiveness requires empathy. The Sacred Lakota Pipe Carrier I interviewed regarding forgiveness realized lack of knowledge regarding American Indians led to prejudice and injustice. She didn’t like being judged by people who didn’t understand her and didn’t want to become like them. She said, “Nobody is going to make me hate.”  

Without enough empathy we get caught up in condemning others and proving our side – our people – are the right ones, the superior ones. The “others” are a scapegoat for our problems and a foe to defeat. The value of cooperation and collaboration are forgotten as we battle to win or lose, not to reach a wise decision that considers all perspectives.

Have you ever been told you’re too nice? I’ve found being too nice means going along with someone or something so I don’t suffer. It’s easier to say “yes” than argue with someone. We don’t want to make people mad, lose a friendship or job. So we go along to get along. Empathy makes it harder for us to go along with cruel, unfair actions.

Bleeding heart and do-gooder are terms that may indicate we’re trying to make ourselves feel good by doing good to others. Nothing wrong with that. However, without empathy, we may not truly understand another’s needs. The danger is we may make people feel incompetent or helpless, increasing their dependence on us for our own gain instead of providing them with dignity and opportunity.

Empathy helps us understand what someone needs and what they don’t need. It keeps us from judging people we don’t know by anything other than a label.

In an “us versus them” world, we may believe a powerful, harsh lord or king is needed to protect us. But the joy of the Lord, as described in the Bible under chapters 8 and 9 of Nehemiah, is delight in a loving God that is forgiving, gracious, and compassionate. It sounds like an empathetic God to me.

When I’m not feeling kind and loving, I’m not joyful nor am I strong. I’m weak because I’m wrapped up in my own ego and personal expectations. My heart and mind are closed for business because I’m too busy being angry and self-righteous. I’ve no energy for empathy because fear and anxiety have depleted me.

The woman and the dog who walked beside the man in the park understood what he needed and respected his dignity. They walked beside him, sharing in his love of nature, fresh air, exercise. They were sensitive to his feelings. That’s empathy. That’s the joy of a loving spirit that is our strength.

Humility Is a Superpower

Published on by Christy HeacockLeave a comment

We come nearest to the great when we are great in humility.

~ Rabindranath Tagore (Bengali writer awarded a Nobel prize in literature)

“You don’t understand. Arabs aren’t like us. Their mothers don’t care for their children like ours do. Their leaders don’t protect them like ours do.” I was on a plane returning to the USA from a United Methodist Mission trip to Israel and the Palestinian West Bank. My seat happened to be in the middle of two Jewish Israeli citizens and I listened to the two men describe their fears and beliefs about Palestinian Arabs.

I’d had the opportunity to visit with a variety of people on my trip. People who identified as Jewish, Christian, and Muslim; Israeli and Palestinian Arabs. Our conversations centered around peace and justice, and I think they all had mothers who loved them dearly. I didn’t talk to members of Hamas. If I had, I would likely have heard remarks about Israelis similar to the ones I heard from my seatmates about Arabs.

I shared with my new Israeli companions that I’d met many wonderful people of different faiths and ethnicities during my travels. They weren’t impressed. “Of course, there’s a few good ones,” one responded, and the other nodded agreement.

I understood the men’s fear. Antisemitism has been and continues to be a real threat to peace and safety. But so is anti-Arab sentiment, anti-Muslim, anti-Palestinian, anti-Christian, and the list goes on and on. Our instincts tell us it’s “us against them.” But all the military might – the weapons, bombs, and drones that allow us to kill people we don’t know but somehow still hate – won’t bring real peace or safety. Wars create bitterness. Violence and oppression produce rage and terrorism.

I told my airline seatmates that I studied and taught about the wisdom (not the politics) of the world’s major religions and felt there was beauty and much for us imperfect humans to learn in all of them. They were skeptical. I get it. We humans are programmed to be fearful. We defend ourselves against people who we believe don’t think or act like we do. That’s what helps us survive.

Until it doesn’t.

Human history is full of war and violence. The idea that we need to fiercely fight an enemy for our freedoms seems firmly entrenched in our psyche. Our belief in the efficacy and necessity of war has not changed over the centuries. But technological advancements in the weapons of war have made the destruction of the human species a real possibility. We need to put forth a powerful effort to solve our conflicts differently.

That’s where the superpower of humility comes in. The major religions promote humility. Not as a weakness. Just the opposite. As a strength. The superpower of humility means we’re able to overcome our fears and have the confidence and self-control necessary to listen to those who challenge us, hurt us, and make us oh, so mad. Those whom we don’t understand – but we could if we put forth the effort.

Humility isn’t easy. It’s hard to hear ideas we believe are harmful. It’s hard to listen to people we fear will hurt us. But if we don’t listen, we won’t understand. And if we don’t understand, we’ll fix the blame instead of fixing the problem. We’ll keep fighting or fleeing when faced with tough situations and never resolve core issues.

When I returned from my travels to Israel and Palestine, I joined the Jewish Voice for Peace, a group which believes that ending apartheid in Israel and condemning all racism, not just antisemitism, is the way to keep Israel and the Jewish people safe. They  “envision a world where all people — from the U.S. to Palestine — live in freedom, justice, equality, and dignity.”

Christianity’s Jesus gave us a tough message. He said, “Love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you.” Those words were meant to protect us and help us look upon each other with compassion and empathy so we could solve conflicts without harming each other. So clouds of misunderstanding could be lifted and we could communicate with respect.

When we respect the dignity of others and they respect us, fear diminishes. Our rational brain kicks in and finds a way to create solutions that don’t harden our hearts and destroy our souls. We produce answers that don’t rely on death and devastation; that don’t create a cycle of revenge.

On a personal level, humility is a superpower that brings us peace of mind. We let go of the fear we are not good enough, or the desire to be better than others, and can just be our unique selves. We can fail and make mistakes without beating up on ourselves, because we accept the fact that we are only human and doing the best we can.

 A favorite Bible verse of mine is Micah 6:8 because it answers a question many of us have: How should we live our lives? The advice given is simply to act justly, love mercy, and walk humbly with your God.  

When we walk humbly with our God, we seek justice and we defend ourselves. But we do so with grace and compassion, knowing we all struggle and are always learning. Knowing that when we hurt another, we hurt ourselves.

When we listen well and extend dignity to all, we will be blessed with new insights, innovative ideas, and unexpected friendships. Humility is the superpower that enables peace in our personal lives and in our world. It’s what makes us great.

Photo by Vicky Sim at Unsplash

Tough Paths Lead to Beautiful Destinations: Choose Forgiveness

Published on by Christy HeacockLeave a comment

I was asked to give the message at my church, Canyon Lake United Methodist, Rapid City, SD, and what follows are the stories and words I shared to express why forgiveness is a life-giving practice. If you wish to listen to the service that was focused on forgiveness follow this link https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tRz3CsyYg_A or check out CLUMC’s website or Facebook page.

Have you ever noticed that in the Lord’s Prayer, “forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those who trespass against us” follows right behind “give us this day our daily bread?” I think it’s because forgiveness and bread are both life-giving and both are needed daily.

I know I make mistakes and do things I wish I hadn’t or wish I had on a regular basis. If I can’t forgive myself, or others, for simply being human, I’ll waste a lot of time and energy being angry and ashamed. Forgiveness allows us to spend more time smiling than frowning, being relaxed instead of tense, moving forward instead of backward.

I personally know how life-giving forgiveness can be and I chose to research forgiveness for my doctorate in psychology. I did qualitative research, meaning I analyzed stories and looked for patterns and themes in those stories. I interviewed people from different sacred belief systems who had forgiven a major transgression and looked specifically for what their stories had in common. I feel very blessed because I was led to people whose stories were insightful and their stories continue to inspire me today.

Forgiveness means different things to different people, so I like to start by explaining what I mean by forgiveness. First, forgiveness is NOT excusing, condoning, or ignoring bad behavior. It’s the opposite. It’s like Micah 6:8. We’re to act justly, love mercy, and walk humbly with our God. Forgiveness means balancing justice and mercy and remaining humble as we walk with our loving God.

It means having the courage to uncover and confront destructive thoughts and feelings so we can let go of our shame, anger, bitterness, and resentment. That takes time, but it’s worth it because when we experience genuine, deep forgiveness our health improves, our relationships become healthier, and we learn and grow spiritually.

The forgiveness experiences of the people I interviewed had four things in common that helped them forgive, and I call them the 4Cs: connections, courage, compassion, and creativity.

Connections

I first want to talk about connectionsbecause connections make the other 3 Cs possible. Connections are what led the people I interviewed from being victims to becoming forgiveness heroes. None of them were able to forgive without help. They all described spiritual, religious, or social connections that gave them two main things: support and guidance.

So how did their connections support them?

First, they did not pressure anyone to forgive. Pressure to forgive can backfire. Why? Because it can make someone feel worse. If you’re struggling to forgive and someone tells you, “Just let it go,” they’ve added to your shame, to your angst – because deep down you can’t do what they want you to do, what you may think a “good” person is supposed to easily be able to do. If you want to please someone, maybe even God, you may pretend to forgive and deny your genuine feelings. But holding your pain inside and trying to please others will add to your stress and hurt your health.

After I did a talk on my book, Being Human Is Hard: Choose Forgiveness, a man came up to me and said he appreciated the book and he surprised me with why. He was struggling with forgiveness issues and it reassured him to hear that genuine forgiveness of something major is difficult and takes time.

Connections are important because they provide support and also because they provide guidance. They show us the way through the forgiveness process and serve as role models.

One of the stories in my book is about William (pseudonym), who was Lakota and grew up on the Pine Ridge Indian Reservation. He and his family had experienced horrible acts of prejudice and trauma; William became resentful and as can happen if we’re filled with bitterness, he took his hurt out on others. His major turning point came when he heard Black pastors speak about their painful experiences, which he felt were even worse than his. One had helplessly watched his sister be set on fire and burned to death by prejudiced people who were never punished. “How were you able to forgive?” he asked them. And they said, “You talk about it, and you pray about it.” When William had trouble forgiving, he thought about the Black pastors, read the Bible, prayed, talked to his pastor and the people in his church.

We don’t have to do forgiveness alone, and that’s what helps us with the second C, courage.  

Courage

Forgiveness work takes courage because it means becoming vulnerable. It means uncovering and confronting things that may be shameful, embarrassing, humiliating, traumatic.

One of the people I interviewed, Katherine, said, “Before I discovered forgiveness I wasn’t open enough and willing to admit mistakes. I would have unknowingly kept secret certain things that would have been the heart of what needed to be heard and I wouldn’t have been able to get to the healing part. I wouldn’t have been able to see another’s viewpoint because I would have been too busy protecting my ego. Now I try to remember that it’s not all about me.”

Katherine had a strong connection to God and could feel the Holy Spirit within her. She said, “I’m always praying for the courage and strength to face forgiveness issues because I know that even though it’s scary, I will feel so liberated, relieved, and joyful to be a part of something that is healing.”

Sometimes we need the courage to listen to a perspective that’s different from our own and may seem threatening. At other times, in order to forgive, we may need to have the courage shown by the first person I interviewed for my research, a woman I called Esther, who taught me the importance of standing up for yourself and setting boundaries.

Esther was working in construction with men who didn’t appreciate women and she was being taken advantage of and disrespected. She grew resentful and extremely angry, and at first, she kept it inside. But one day she’d had enough and set some firm boundaries. I asked her how that helped her forgive. She said, “Once I set my boundaries and felt safe, I experienced an expanding of space. I started being able to see more deeply into my offender’s situation and I could better understand him. Releasing my fears allowed me to open up and have compassion.”

Once Esther felt safe, she could see her offender as a human being, instead of an object of hurt.

At a church conference this summer one of the speakers said, “I supported my addiction by blaming my parents.” He had what everyone would consider horrible parents, but he knew that he couldn’t serve God and help others unless he  accepted his imperfect childhood and figured out how to move beyond his past.

We may be a victim of oppression and someone else’s bad behavior and that’s awful. But we’ll never become empowered and liberated if we get stuck in victim status. To get unstuck, sometimes we need to set firm boundaries or possibly even walk away from a relationship that is harmful. At other times, we may need to swallow our pride and have the courage to really listen to perspectives that are uncomfortable. Those forgiveness issues are tough and require not just courage, they also require the third C, compassion.

 Compassion

Courage and compassion are best buddies because it’s hard to be kind when we’re in pain. It’s hard to be loving and grace-filled when we’re hurting.

But opening our hearts and minds to compassionately understanding ourselves and those who hurt us is a key to forgiveness.

Martin Luther King Jr. said:

He who is devoid of the power to forgive is devoid of the power to love. There is some good in the worst of us, and some evil in the best of us. When we discover this, we are less prone to hate our enemies.

We sometimes like to think of ourselves or others as either all good or all bad – it’s simpler that way – but that leads to forgiveness problems. We may refuse to believe anything good about someone who’s hurt us. When we do something hurtful, we may blame others because we are afraid our wrong action means we’re a bad person. Or we may retreat in shame and miss the opportunity to share our gifts and talents.

A Muslim man I called Basil forgave the person who tortured him and it definitely wasn’t easy. But he had compassion for his torturer, and that helped. He said, “I felt like he was a poor guy. I looked at him like he really, really needs help. From my experience with him, he was always worried, always wondering. He had this weird feeling he was not safe, and he wondered which one of his friends would betray him.” Basel was physically tortured in prison, but Basel realized his torturer had created a personal prison in his own mind and was letting his paranoid, fearful thoughts torture him.

When people hurt us, it’s natural to become bitter and resentful. But I remember the words of the Lakota woman I interviewed who had amazing compassion and forgave the people who murdered her mother and pregnant sister. She said, “No one can make me hate.”

I love that because hate isn’t good for us. Hateful, unforgiving thoughts can torture us. They keep us from experiencing the life Christ wants for us. I asked one of the women I interviewed why she thought God wanted us to forgive. She said simply, “Because it’s good for us.”

Forgiveness frees us and helps us give to others. Have you noticed that the word forgiving can be separated into for and giving? Forgiving is for giving because when we break free from the chains of bitterness or shame we can give more to others.

But forgiving a major transgression isn’t easy because it requires us to write a new, improved chapter in our life story. We need help from the fourth C, creativity.

Creativity

Forgiveness is about learning from our painful experiences. It’s about adjusting our perspective and transforming our thoughts so that we can create a healthier, more peaceful and joyful way of being.

James, brother of Jesus, experienced tough times with a great attitude. In James 1: 2-4 he advises us:

Whenever you face trials of any kind, consider it nothing but joy, because you know that the testing of your faith produces endurance, and let endurance have its full effect, so that you may be mature and complete, lacking in nothing.

Wow, that’s awesome inspiration, though I must admit I think considering trials of any kind nothing but joy seems a bit over the top.  I do agree that what makes forgiveness possible is knowing that tough paths lead to beautiful destinations. I don’t know why some of our best learning experiences involve humiliation, embarrassment, disappointment, and pain, but if we can accept that inconvenient truth, I know we are on the road to more joy, love, and peace.

We’re all on a journey and we’re all at different places on our journey. I often remember the words of Valerie, one of the woman I interviewed. She said, “We’re all on our own paths.” That’s so true, but often so hard to accept. Her words remind me to focus on compassion versus judgment. To relax my expectations and need to control, take deep breaths, and “Let go and let God.” 

When forgiveness is really tough, thankfulness and gratitude are more important than ever. During my toughest times, being grateful for the beauty of nature, acts of kindness, music, good books, friendly dogs, the ability to laugh at myself – those things have given me the positive energy I need to create something good out of something painful.

In Philippians 4:8, Paul, no stranger to adversity, counsels:

Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things.”

Why? Because gratitude shines a light for us, so we can see what path to take.

Some of the people I interviewed described forgiveness as a cleansing of the heart, and the forgiveness process as a way to scrub your heart clean and experience a liberating rebirth. David in the Bible saw it in a similar way. Listen to the words he uses when asking God for forgiveness in Psalm 51: 10 -12

Create in me a pure heart, O God,

and renew a steadfast spirit within me.

Do not cast me from your presence

or take your Holy Spirit from me.

Restore to me the joy of your salvation

and grant me a willing spirit, to sustain me.

I pray that we feel the Holy Spirit within us as we strive to shine a light of love and grace for our world.